Published March 23, 2008
Under Edit. Please try again another time.
Have a good one.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
To be honest, I got bored. Didn't even read it all. Maybe you should try changing your hook. The reason I opened this was because I thought your title was amusing (and I'm into vampire stories). So good job on that.
Actually, it made more sense before I sliced it down. It's explained more with the added part, but I agreed with Max that it was too long.
You're right about the Spanish. I didn't mean to keep it in though. I just forgot that I wanted it to be all English when I finished.
I can see why you're confused: most of this is notes, and I wrote it at night, so I wasn't really in my right mind. I actually didn't think I was going to post it, but I just did anyway. Thank you!
This is really confusing to me... maybe I'm weird though....
But in any case, this could be a lot shorter; right now it seems (to me, at least) to be the crazed ramblings of a power/obsessed teen. I know it sounds really harsh, but this story seems to be Lady plotting for taking over the minds of her hosts and then insulting their mother.
Finally, the last bit of the story made absolutely no sense to me either, they go out in the garden, and then it's a graveyard. Up to there I understand, but then, who's Henry? and his girlfriend? whaaa?
Oh, actually last thing, in Spanish, i believe that bueno/malo change the endings to agree, so wouldn't it be "sé buena"? I was also confused for a bit that you were using saber in the yo present until I realized that it was ser in the command form... tee hee whoops
All in all, with a bit of work this story could be great! Keep at it and I'm sure it'll be wonderful!
Sorry for the mean critiquing... PM me for any questions/yelling at me if I offended you or whatnot
-Izzy
huh, how do I put this nicely? Okay first of all, no one in their right mind would read a post this long, but then again I'm not in my right mind ^.^ but you did keep it intresting. I would suggest to narrow it down a bit split this post up into smaller parts. Then, people would love to read it and crit it. Sorry that I don't have alot more helpful hints or tips but please make it shorter. I barely finished it, actually I skipped alot of it. Keep writing! Make it shorter!
-Max