z

Young Writers Society



Secret Dwellers - Chapter 1

by JabberHut


“We’re losing control” shouted the pilot. He reached for the CB radio and shouted into it over the dying engine, “Everyone must evacuate the plane! I repeat: Everyone must evacuate the plane!”

Now, this wasn’t a public plane so parachutes were easily distributed. A stewardess threw a parachute into Anneliese Boudreau’s lap, shouting, “Put it on and stand by the exit!”

Anneliese did as she was told then looked at her father who was struggling to put it on. They were supposed to be going to the country of Sahlvenia for business. Now the plane broke down and everyone aboard risked death.

“Miss Boudreau! Please jump off with me!” shouted another steward. Anneliese took his hand and they both leaped out. No sooner than later did the steward let go of her hand and pulled the plug. Anneliese did the same thing and the parachute erupted from her pack.

She tried to look up for her father but the parachute was in the way. She heard a high whistle and a dying engine in the distance. She looked over to see the plane flying toward the trees.

“Watch out for the trees, Miss Boudreau!” yelled the steward. Anneliese looked down and saw trees covering the ground. There was no ground to be seen. How was she supposed to avoid them?

Anneliese closed her eyes as she crashed into the leaves. She continued to go down, crashing on the branches, bruising every part of her body. She finally landed, exhausted. The sheet covered her entire body as it floated down atop of her.

Anneliese tried to get up but she was sore all over. She had cuts and bruises everywhere and her eyes were so dry from the fall that she didn’t want to open them. She wanted to sleep…

She opened them anyway. She combed her auburn hair back from her eyes, fixing it while she was at it. She looked for the steward but he was no where in sight. Anneliese started to move, searching all over until she found bushes turning color. It was too early in the year for trees and bushes to be turning yellow, red, and brown.

She continued to follow the colors until she reached a magnificent garden. Trees and bushes all over were of the autumn colors. She continued to explore until she noticed a huge, purple egg speckled with white sitting on a cushion in the middle.

She stood, admiring its beauty, until she saw four-legged creatures arrive from behind the trees and bushes, holding spears in their hands – hands?

Peter Wolfsbane continued to walk in the back with his good pal, Daniel O’Rorik. The trail was safe for now but he had this feeling they were being followed.

Daniel had different feelings. He figured they had the easiest job in the world – escorting the Queen of Sahlvenia to the kingdom of Scenturion. He continued to walk, jabbering quietly to Pete, eating his fruit.

Pete held up his hand for silence.

“What?” Daniel asked, chewing with his mouth open.

“I thought I heard something…” Pete managed to say under his bated breath.

“You were probably just imagining things,” Daniel thought softly.

“Dork…”warned Pete. He called him Dork all the time because of his name.

There was a rustle in the bushes.

“Did you hear that?” Pete asked, stopping in his tracks. “Someone’s in the bushes…”

Dork unsheathed his sword, prepared for battle. He heard the sound and he was a knight, believe it or not. Pete took out his sword as well and got into defense position for any surprise attacks.

“AAAHHH!” shrieked the Queen.

Pete and Dork looked over to see a bunch of little creatures attacking the carriage in which the Queen sat. They ran up and pried them off the Queen and carriage.

Dork struck the little green creatures across their backs with his sword, his fruit still in his hand, taking a bite of it every once in a while. Pete wasn’t so merciful. He went even deeper and cut their heads off, one-by-one. The other guards were either not putting much effort into it or were just plain stupid.

They were soon finished with the creatures and were about to continue on their way when the Queen was no where around.

“They must have taken her!” said one of the other guards.

“Why don’t you two search over there,” said the other, pointing to his left. “We’ll go on the other side of the path.”

Pete and Dork followed orders. They walked quietly and cautiously, searching for the green mutants. Then they heard cheering and squeals. They followed the sounds, coming across a small camp. Pete and Dork settled behind the bushes, looking for the Queen. They found her, being held by the same creatures.

“This shouldn’t be too bad,” whispered Pete as he studied the camp. “There shouldn’t be anymore then thirty.”

“Well, then, let’s ambush them this time,” said Dork.

“That’s the best plan you had since breakfast this morning.”

They charged out of the bushes. The creatures saw them coming towards the Queen and started running away, knowing that two humans were more than a match for them.

Dork untied the Queen and showed her the way out as Pete got as many creatures as he could. Dork joined him in the small battle until the camp looked ambushed well enough.

“Let’s head back,” mumbled Pete.

“How?” asked Dork.

“The trail, you dipstick.”

“Which way is that?”

Pete looked up. Every direction looked the same where ever they looked. All they could do was take a stab at which way. The other guards wouldn’t help them out, knowing that Pete and Dork were much better than them anyway. The Queen was too busy finding her way for her to help them.

“Let’s go over here,” said Dork and pointed as Pete was walking the same direction. Dork just followed, not waiting for an answer.

Then they saw a surprising change. The leaves on the trees changed color. It was too early for autumn bit neither of them commented. They continued exploring, forgetting anything about the Queen and the trail.

They stopped when they saw the waterfall. Pete stared at the place but Dork, on the other hand, was drooling over Pete. Drips of saliva splattered onto Pete’s red and white uniform. He was disgusted and hurried away from Dork. Dork, feeling free, ran to the nearby fruit tree and grabbed a few fruits.

Pete looked around the garden then stopped at the sight of the purple egg sitting on the red cushion in the middle. He called to Dork and Dork walked up, staring in awe, his mouth full of chewed fruit.

Pete was walking toward it when centaurs approached him, spears and bows in hand. They were to attack and all Pete had was his sword. Dork was much more prepared, holding his fruits in his arms. Pete unsheathed his sword and got into defense position once again, prepared for attack.

Marsanna Saturnalia made her way through the trees, bow and arrow in hand, ready for attack. She was ready. She was hungry for deer at the moment and the most delicious looking doe ran passed her.

She walked silently through the trees. Being a Wood Elf, she was naturally stealthy and fit for hunting. She looked around the trees, searching for that same doe.

She watched a rabbit hop by. Mars shot it then decided to climb a nearby tree. When she was high enough, she looked everywhere for the doe. She found it but its location seemed very odd. It was definitely not as green as Mars’.

She hopped down and quietly walked to the doe’s direction. The bushes were turning yellow and the tree leaves were turning red. Autumn? It was too early! It wasn’t logical at all!

Mars ignored her thoughts when the doe was in sight. It drank from the small pool of water, formed by the waterfall on the other side. Mars lifted her bow, aimed, and fired...

A bull’s-eye. She ran over to it as she strung another arrow into place. She bent down and was about to pick it up when she heard sticks cracking behind her. She turned and saw centaurs approaching her in all different colors, holding spears, bows, and even swords but not in the best craftsmanship.

Mars slowly stood, holding her bow tightly. She put her other hand into place but didn’t shoot. She waited for their attack but it was just a staring contest. She didn’t have that kind of guts, though. She stood there, waiting, vulnerable for any attack.

Katherine Nightengale looked around. She has heard of unicorns roaming the forest surrounding her home and could have sworn she saw one earlier. She looked round for its white coat and silvery-white mane but no creature was seen.

She continued to look. Unicorns were known to have mysterious powers, though. She could be in danger as she looked for one.

She didn’t care. Even if she saw no unicorns, she’d see something, possibly meat for her and her friends. At the thought, she lifted the bow from around herself, pulled an arrow from the back pouch, and looked round for any movement.

She saw nothing – zip, nada, nothing. Not even a doe was in sight. She liked dear and her fellow Water Elves loved it also. They didn’t eat it for days and were getting a bit hungry for deer.

It was rumored that there were others nearby hunting and killing their deer. If she was lucky, King would find the culprits.

She didn’t find them. Instead, she found a yellow bush. King approached it and sniffed the leaf. It confused her. The year was too premature for autumn.

She followed the colored plants and trees, hoping to find the answer to this mystery.

She did. A beautiful garden remained in front of her as King examined its fruitfulness. She heard rumors of this place but never thought it was real. The Centaur Garden; any elf would have heard of it, whether water or normal.

She looked around for any deer that could have found the place. She did and approached the nearest one. She hid behind the bush and crouched before the deer saw her. When she thought it time, she slowly looked over the bush at the deer as it at the remaining green grass.

King aimed and fired. She hit it. She couldn’t wait to take it back to her friends. She ran over to it but stopped as she saw a white-speckled purple egg sitting on a wooden and golden pillar.

She went over to it until she heard the rustling of leaves. She turned to see centaurs approaching from behind. She stepped back until she ran into something and turned again to see another few centaurs.

King smiled but took it back immediately as the centaurs growled. She heard distant gasps that didn’t sound at all like centaurs. As a matter-of-fact, they sounded like female gasps and centaurs were all male – and horse.

King didn’t move, though. Her bow was at an angle, pointing below the centaurs. If she shot, it would skim its stomach clean, causing fear through the centaurs. They were not as smart as elves because they drunk wine all the time. As a female, she was in deep trouble.

King shot an arrow. The front centaurs yelled in either fear or pain. The other centaurs reacted. They backed up, lifting their javelins and spears. King looked behind at the centaurs holding the bows.

King stood still, her bow up. She heard distant swords and arrows. She must not have been the only one surrounded. The centaurs were getting bored and were eavesdropping and watching other fights. It was her chance to run. She was no Wood Elf but she was athletic enough to get away in a stylish and tricky manor.

King leaped over the bushes to her left. She kept going, once in a while turning and shooting an arrow and knocking one over. She kept going, running away from the egg, until she ran into someone. She toppled over from the brief blow and looked up.

A knight stood above her, his helmet askew and blood over his red and white uniform and the Snake symbol of Sahlvenia. He held out his hand. King took it and caught her balance.

“Behind you!” she shouted in less than a second after she stood. The man turned and sliced the centaur in two. King lifted her bow and turned to shoot off the following centaurs down.

She was soon finished with her crowd and went back for any remaining so there were no surprise attacks. There were none. When she decided to check out the egg, the other fights stopped. There were no noises except for the cracking of sticks.

King walked toward the egg and held out a hand, ignoring the other four people doing the exact same thing. Something told her that she should take it, save it. All five hands were placed on the egg, big and small, all different colors.

The egg began to light. They all let go immediately and backed up as the egg rose. King couldn’t see where the light was coming from. There were no cracks.

It started to burn. It horrified her to see that the baby could be burned to death. She wanted to get it and throw it into the nearby lake but didn’t move. They watched the shell burn away to reveal a huge bird, well, a bird bigger than usual.

It was as white as snow but a beautiful silver at the same time. Its eyes were a stunning purple quartz. It spread its wings apart and sat atop the cushion.

King stared at the gorgeous bird in front of them. She knew what it was. They were as rare as a dwarf and elf shaking hands, and that was saying something.

There was another glow. King looked down to see a white circle surrounding the five of them and the bird. It was getting so bright that King couldn’t see a thing but a bright radiance in front of her. She was afraid she’d go blind.

The light finally faded. King had to rub her eyes to get the bright light away, though, all it did was hurt. When King could finally see, she looked up at a golden throne, padded with a bronze colored cushion, atop a small staircase.

A beautiful princess with dark skin and black hair stood in front of her. It was slightly shorter than her and wore a gorgeous white dress and matching jewelry. Her tiara which rested atop her head gleamed in the bright room. King couldn’t help but notice that her ears were pointed like an elf. She smiled as the white bird sat atop her shoulder.

“Hello, everyone–” at this moment, King looked around and saw the other four people standing behind her. She recognized the nearest one as a Wood Elf. The others were human, one of which was the knight that helped her out at the garden. King returned to the woman.

“I am Princess Larissa Zenobio of your planet Grandia.”

“May I ask why we’re here?” blurted King. She couldn’t help her impatience.

Larissa smiled. “You have saved this new bird from the centaurs and have been recognized as its saviors. Those centaurs did nothing to help it. If I explained it, all of you would find it horrifying.”

They all shifted.

Larissa continued. “You have all been recognized by your bravery, skill, and care down at the garden and all your lives. After continuous watching, I have decided to ask you all if you could help me.”

King looked up. What could she do?

Larissa turned and walked up the stairs. She set her hand on the arm of the throne and looked at them. “I would like you to discover the secrets to the Jewel of Grandia.”

“The Jewel of Grandia?” repeated King.

“But that’s only a myth!” retorted the Wood Elf next to King.

“It is real, Marsanna,” Larissa calmly told her. “The Jewel is known to bring about true good or true evil. If it is in the wrong hands–” she sighed “–I don’t know what I can do. I have no power to overcome the Jewel’s.”

“Then how do you suppose we get it?” asked the man that helped back at the garden. His voice sounded as if he thought it was a game.

“And why now?” asked the other human girl.

“I and a few friends sensed a great danger on Grandia – so great, we have a feeling they will go after the Jewel and use it to either control, destroy, or anything to Grandia.” Larissa walked halfway down the stairs and stopped. “That’s why we need you to find out the Jewel’s abilities. Maybe we could stop them.”

“What is this danger?” asked King.

“Five creatures as intelligent as you all are. They are very powerful. I can’t face them alone. I need help and you all can do that.”

“We have no power…Well, at least I don’t,” said King, looking back at the others then to Larissa.

“You all don’t have any but I will give it to you if you accept my offer.”

“What? Do we get a reward?” asked the man.

“You do but I will not say. If you fulfill this task, I will give it to you. One of your gifts will be eternal glory.” The man looked pleased at the offer. His pal looked at him.

“I thought I was the one that drooled,” he said, eyeing the man.

“I will let you talk it over, think it over, anything, but I need an answer,” pleaded Larissa. “You may discuss in the lounge. When I arrive in a half hour, you will tell me your answer. I know it’s not long but I have a feeling your conversation will go quite nicely.”

She was wrong. The conversation started off smoothly until ten minutes have passed. The Wood Elf and the man argued much and they didn’t even know each other.

“Be quiet!” shouted King. They stopped arguing but continued to glare at each other. “You can’t argue! You don’t even know each other!”

“Pete,” said the man, still glaring.

“Mars,” replied the Wood Elf. They started bickering again. King thought she would explode.

“Stop it! How is this going to help us out? Huh?”

Mars continued to glare but nodded in the end. “You’re right.” She turned to the others. “Who are you all, then?”

“I’m Daniel O’Rorik,” said the man’s pal.

“Also known as Dork,” said Pete. Dork didn’t argue.

“I’m Anneliese Boudreau,” said the human girl in a sort of snotty way, flicking her hair behind her shoulder.

“Katherine Nightengale but you can call me King like everyone else.”

“So, how about this mission she gave us?” said Mars.

“She didn’t give it to us yet,” said King.

“Well, I thought it was a good idea,” said Pete. “I mean eternal glory! I’m all in for it!”

“But it will be dangerous fighting those other five,” said Mars, looking at Pete.

“The princess said she’d give us powers to help us on the way! We’ll be fine!”

“Some of us don’t fight!” snapped Anneliese, “Besides, it would ruin my hair.”

“Anne–”

“Anneliese,” she corrected.

Pete rolled his eyes.

The door opened. King turned and saw Larissa walk inside with the white bird sitting on her shoulder. “I hope you have made your decision,” she said as she rested her hands on top of another in front of her dress.

King stood up and the others followed, all saying either yes or no and explaining why. Larissa put her hand up and silence fell around the room. She looked at them and smiled. Her eyes rested on King. “Katherine, please tell me your answer.”

King looked at her, lifting an eyebrow. Why would she choose the answer? She was only a Water Elf.

“Your answer?” repeated Larissa.

King looked back at the group. They all gave slight motions according to their answer. King turned around but looked at the floor, thinking. She then looked up into Larissa’s gleaming eyes.

“We’ll do it.”

“I thought you would,” said Larissa. She walked over to the burning fireplace and snapped her fingers. A box appeared in the flames. Larissa took it and placed it on the coffee table. She opened it and King was surprised to see that her hands didn’t look any burned or hot.

“I have items for you,” she explained. She took out five small gems and set them out on the table for everyone to see. There were five different colors: White, Blue, Red, Green, and Yellow. They all looked at Larissa, a bit confused. “Please choose one.”

They didn’t move so King went first. She picked up the blue gem and examined it. It was a small sapphire and not very threatening. She looked at the others and smiled a small one, signaling it was okay. Mars reached down and grabbed the green emerald. The other three took the others: Anneliese took the white crystal, Pete took the yellow Topaz, and Dork took the red ruby since he was the last to take one.

They all looked at Larissa, wondering what was next but all she did was smile. She didn’t move another muscle. King expected there must have been something else to this. She looked down at the sapphire and was amazed at the sight.

It glowed a blue glow. From the corner of her eye, she saw green, white, red, and yellow glows as well. When the small light faded, King no longer held a blue sapphire but a blue coin. She looked over to see the others holding their own colored coin.

“This coin will provide you with the power you need to defeat the other five. You each chose a color, meaning you were destined with the element you chose. Blue is water, white is air, green is earth, yellow is electricity, and red is fire. You will all grow in skills as you fight more and more.

“To activate it, you flip the coin, catch it, and the deed is done. You will transform into your elemental self. Try it now and see what I mean.”

King stared at the coin then at the others. They all nodded and flipped it at the same time. King caught the coin and saw another bright blue light. She was going to get blind from all the lights she sees.

King felt her arms starting to cover up into long sleeves. She didn’t look because she didn’t dare look into the light. It was a quick transformation when she stood in the room, a bit dizzy.

She looked down and saw herself in a blue jumpsuit and a blue cloth slip-on robe. It fastened at her waist with a blue sapphire. Her hair was curled now and she felt like a totally different person. She looked up and saw Mars in the same outfit in green and Anneliese in white. The guys had on their color jumpsuit but a black slip-on robe over it.

“The ability to use your powers comes naturally,” explained Larissa. “Another flip of the coin and you’ll return to your normal selves. You are not able to use your powers outside you transformed selves.”

“What about weapons?” asked Mars. “I’m good with the bow and arrow but not a sword or anything.”

“If you will it, you’ll get it,” said Larissa. “If you want a bow and arrow, say Earth Bow. There will be green smoke and a bow will appear in your hands if you have them in position. If not, it will appear around your shoulders. The arrows are unlimited. All you do is keep position and if you need an arrow, it will appear. Same thing with any weapon you want.”

King was starting to like this. She saw Anneliese was too because she was admiring her hair in the mirror above the fireplace. They all turned to Larissa.

“Hello Secret Dwellers,” mumbled Larissa.

“What was that?” asked King.

Larissa shook her head. “Don’t worry. Anyway, the Jewel is located in the Cave of Secrets. It will be a long journey but I think you will all be fine.”

“Well, hey,” said Mars, “It will give us more training before the big fight.”

Larissa smiled. “Yes it will. When you arrive at the Cave of Secrets, you will encounter dangerous creatures and traps. You must be careful.”

“How will we know if we find it?” asked Pete.

“It is a diamond but not an ordinary diamond. Inside is a red flame. You will easily find it.

“Also, this Phoenix will be joining you. She holds powers that only great minds will know of. Suri will be of great help.”

Larissa looked into her small box and took out a purple quartz silver chain. She handed it to King.

“I would like you to bear the Quartz. If you need any help or guidance, use this. Make sure you are near anything clear so I may communicate. A river is a wonderful example. Don’t ever take this off,” she finally warned then smiled. “I trust you to keep the group together.

“You may now enter the portal in the throne room which will return you to the Centaur Garden. The Centaurs will not harm you unless you force them. I told them to stay to their own businesses.

“I wish you all a safe and successful journey, Secret Dwellers.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1464 Reviews


Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Sat Nov 18, 2006 2:19 am
JabberHut says...



When you fall, the air rushes past you really fast and that can dry your eyes out.




User avatar
59 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 59

Donate
Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:58 pm
Vampirewolf3 says...



She had cuts and bruises everywhere and her eyes were so dry from the fall that she didn’t want to open them.

I don't see how eyes are dry from falling.




User avatar
1464 Reviews


Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Thu Nov 16, 2006 9:54 pm
JabberHut says...



Great, thanks for the tips. I'll get to work on that right now. Later on, I'll post Chapter 2 so comments on the Chapter 1 is still welcome.




User avatar
863 Reviews


Points: 2090
Reviews: 863

Donate
Sat Nov 11, 2006 7:23 pm
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



This isn't a prologue.

This entire thing is showing how all these characters joined up to form this elite group.

That would be the LOTR equivalent of the first half of Fellowship of the Ring.

What the LOTR equivalent should be is the story of the ring.

There is so much character information that the whole purpose of the story gets lost.

Just great, you have 'neat' characters and 'cool' special powers, but what was the plot?

You could easily turn this intro into a five chapter piece of a novel. Never try to cram an epic into a single book.




User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sat Nov 11, 2006 6:28 pm
Fantasy of You wrote a review...



We’re losing control” shouted the pilot.

Okay. A pet hate. Do you need to use shouted, or are you using it to avoid the word said? I think it's the latter. Said is your friend, and you should use it most of the time. Shouted is redundant, painfully redundant by what is said.


He reached for the CB radio and shouted into it over the dying engine, “Everyone must evacuate the plane! I repeat: Everyone must evacuate the plane!”

The same problem, except you've used 'shouted' again. Shouted is weak. Avoid it for most of your writing, if you can. I can probably tell this guy is shouting, given what he says. Repetition of words can also be extremely annoying. Don't break out the thesaurus, though. "It's not the size, it's how you use it." Right?

Think on this: He reached for the CB radio. "Everyone must evacuate the place! I repeat: Everyone must evacuate the plane!"

You don't lose anything. Infact, you gain pace and variety. Try to replace some tags with action. It's pretty obvious who's speaking, right?

Also, think about what this guy is saying. Is it realistic? I don't think so. This doesn't happen in real life, and so shouldn't happen in your prose. The key to great writing is honestly and all that.


Now, this wasn’t a public plane so parachutes were easily distributed.

Info dump. Lose it. The scene works fine without it. And there's no need to have something in that doesn't do anything.

A stewardess threw a parachute into Anneliese Boudreau’s lap, shouting, “Put it on and stand by the exit!”

There's that shout again. Lose it. And remember for everything else you write that said and action is your friend. Don't hold the reader by the hand - they aren't babies.

Anneliese did as she was told then looked at her father who was struggling to put it on.

You've probably heard it before. And although it's not universal, don't use the passive. It has it's place, but you shouldn't concern yourself with it. This sentence is clumcy as is. Think about restructuring it so it runs smoother.

Anneliese did as she was told, and aided her struggling father.

Granted, it's not perfect. Far from it. But it does it's job. You've lost the passive, and you've lost 'then'. Never, ever use 'then' in your prose. It's perhaps the most useless word you can use. Everything can be understood without the word, even if you have to remodel the sentence.

Don't use what you don't need. You're not America.


They were supposed to be going to the country of Sahlvenia for business. Now the plane broke down and everyone aboard risked death.

Seems a tad out of place to me. Maybe put it somewhere else, where the pace can afford to be slowed? I mean, I know you want me to know these things, but I don't have to know them. I don't care what she was planning to do, yet. I just want to know what happens next.

“Miss Boudreau! Please jump off with me!” shouted another steward.

There it is again.


She tried to look up for her father but the parachute was in the way.

Read this aloud. Usually, 80% of the time, sentences can be improved (maybe even 100% of the time - but to write is human, to edit is divine).

The parachute hid her father from view. This works fine for me. Maybe not you, but I still get what's going on.




I liked the story. It pulled me in from the beginning, without much needless telling or back story. I'm thrown into the midst of a crisis that I want to know the end of.

I think you've got a gem here, actually. You just need to know how to rework things. You're ahead of the game as far as much pitfalls go, you just need the spitshine.

I hope I helped, and that you take what I've said into consideration when you write. These are the things that helped me improve, so I hope they do the same for you.

-Fantasy




User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 55

Donate
Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:26 am
Shafter says...



I'm back! *malicious chuckle*
Now let's see, where was I?

Jabber_The_Hut wrote:She had cuts and bruises everywhere and her eyes were so dry from the fall that she didn’t want to open them. She wanted to sleep…

You already said she's bruised everywhere.
Good observation about the dry eyes.

She combed her auburn hair back from her eyes, fixing it while she was at it.

V-e-r-y important piece of characterization there... she's concerned about the way her hair looks, even after escaping a crashing airplane. Are you sure this is the image of her you want to create?

She looked for the steward but he was no where in sight.

It's "nowhere."

She continued to follow the colors until she reached a magnificent garden. Trees and bushes all over were of the autumn colors. She continued to explore until she noticed a huge, purple egg speckled with white sitting on a cushion in the middle.

You definitely need some sort of reaction-- surprise, wonder, fear, anything. Right now it's just, "Hmm, a giant purple egg." How about some interior monologue, some description showing how she reacted?

She stood, admiring its beauty, until she saw four-legged creatures arrive from behind the trees and bushes, holding spears in their hands – hands?

"Four-legged creatures" isn't descriptive enough. I get many different images of rabbits, frogs, moose, horses, wolves, and a gazillion other creatures.
Good ending of the first scene.

One more comment, which actually doesn't have to do with this scene: The name Peter Wolfsbane is already taken (see: Chronicles of Narnia). I'm sure you can think up a more original one. :)

And again, that's all I have time for. See ya around the site!
Cheers! ~Shafter




User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 55

Donate
Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:20 pm
Shafter wrote a review...



Hi, Jabber!
Well, I promised Alanna I'd take a look. I don't have time right now, but I'll critique a few paragraphs real quick. I'll be back for more later.

Jabber_The_Hut wrote:“We’re losing control” shouted the pilot.

Ah, good! Something terrible is happening. That's an excellent way to draw reader into the story.

He reached for the CB radio and shouted into it over the dying engine, “Everyone must evacuate the plane! I repeat: Everyone must evacuate the plane!”

Can you find a more official way of saying this? I'm sure there's some sort of pilot jargon out there.

Now, this wasn’t a public plane so parachutes were easily distributed.

Unnecessary. You should delete this (Ha! I love saying that. I'm an editor, and I always have to say to my students, "I would suggest deleting this." But now I get to say, "Delete!" Huzzah!!! {Sorry -- that was totally random and unrelated. Back to the critique}).

A stewardess threw a parachute into Anneliese Boudreau’s lap, shouting, “Put it on and stand by the exit!”

Anneliese Boudreau, eh? I like her name. Just a note though: She's got to be American or English, because "Anneliese" is a German name and "Boudreau" is a French name. And French and Germans don't mix. ;)

Anneliese did as she was told then looked at her father who was struggling to put it on.

There should be a comma after "told" and "father."

They were supposed to be going to the country of Sahlvenia for business.

Is that a real country? If not, what's wrong with using a real country's name? They won't sue you, I'm sure.

Now the plane broke down and everyone aboard risked death.

Delete! (You've already conveyed this information.)

Anneliese did the same thing and the parachute erupted from her pack.

"Erupted." I like it.

She tried to look up for her father but the parachute was in the way. She heard a high whistle and a dying engine in the distance. She looked over to see the plane flying toward the trees.

“Watch out for the trees, Miss Boudreau!” yelled the steward. Anneliese looked down and saw trees covering the ground. There was no ground to be seen. How was she supposed to avoid them?

How, indeed? Good bit of characterization. By the way, how does the steward know her name?

Anneliese closed her eyes as she crashed into the leaves. She continued to go down, crashing on the branches, bruising every part of her body. She finally landed, exhausted. The sheet covered her entire body as it floated down atop of her.

Two "crash"s.
She jumped with a sheet? I thought it was a parachute.

And that, dear Jabber, is all I have time for right now! I have to go do dishes. See ya around the site!
Cheers! ~Shafter




User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 590
Reviews: 67

Donate
Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:50 pm
EstelPax says...



Awesome!!!!
We totally Rock!!





In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien