Alright, this story's been redone so many times. Before this, it started as Finding Atlantis (in my portfolio). It wasn't going wonderfully, so I redid it. Hopefully, if this chapter goes well, I'll have a gem. Don't worry about line-by-lines unless it's a very confusing part. I say this to save you all the time since it is a little long. I'd shorten it to two parts, but there's no clean break. [/jabber]
Don't kill yourself after this. 
Chapter 1
“Enjoying yourself?”
“…En-joy-ing…your-self…” Emma muttered, scribbling the quote in her notebook. While her most intimate friend Writers Block was invading her train of thought, the girl was forced to stop writing her fantasy novel—the idea which was developed just that morning. Instead, she took any quote, any action—anything that happened while she wrote at that moment—and put it in story format just to ease her need to write.
Mrs. Burnett peered over Emma’s shoulder and read her own quote Emma had written in the notebook, the purple ink continuing to leak across the page in words and thoughts. “Enjoying yourself?” the woman repeated, smiling.
Emma jumped and looked up from her notebook. Mrs. Burnett chuckled, turning to face the bookshelves filled with the new releases.
“I’m sorry; I was just…enjoying myself.”
Mrs. Burnett laughed again. “Obviously. Writer’s block, I take it?” The older woman bent down to examine the bottom shelves of the bookcase.
“Unfortunately, yes. What are you looking for?” Emma hopped down from her stool to assist Mrs. Burnett, dropping her pen on the counter.
“A customer’s looking for a specific book, so I thought I’d check our stores. It’s a fairly new book, so maybe it’s here.” She sighed and straightened herself. “I guess not.”
“What’s it called? I can go look for you—”
“Oh, no, no, no. You stay here in case any customers are ready to buy. I can go look; I’m not that handicapped.”
Emma wanted to retort, saying she wasn’t handicapped anyway; but the old woman was too quick for her and went into the back. Emma shrugged and resumed her seat by the cash register, writing more in her journal. There was hardly anything to write about, so she wrote about what happened while Mrs. Burnett was behind the counter.
She saw Mrs. Burnett stomp her foot angrily, glaring at a pile of books that had tipped over from their respective towers. The bookcases were still standing, though; Emma made a quiet sigh of relief.
“Mrs. Burnett, let me help,” Emma said, stacking the books back up. The storage room was a complete disaster; she decided it would take about ten of her shifts to clean. She frowned at the thought and told herself to avoid offering to do the job.
No, it would take about ten of her shifts.
“Oh, fine.” Mrs. Burnett said, waving her hand at Emma. “I’ll go look in the back while you look here.”
She relayed the name and author of the book she was looking for, describing the approximate size and appearance of it as well. Emma only nodded and said, “Uh huh,” or “Okay,” until Mrs. Burnett trotted off, sidestepping piles of books only to knock over more. Emma laughed to herself and gathered more books in her hands.
Working at Books for the Soul for nearly a year, Emma knew what could or needed to be done in the tiny store. She was usually on top of things despite her journal calling her name over and over again. Reading was her hobby, writing was her passion, and Books for the Soul was her drug. She was always found in a bookstore whether it was Books for the Soul, Borders, or any other place.
Emma picked up a dull-red book with gold bordering. It looked ancient and beat up. Her brow furrowed; a bookstore couldn’t sell such a battered book! Though the corners were protected by the stiff edging, the golden color was scratched and abused. The red cover itself seemed to be withering away before her very eyes, and the pages were yellowing. It did not contain the familiar and loving smell many other books have; in fact, it was worse.
Scrunching her nose, Emma held up the book for Mrs. Burnett to see. “How long have we had this book here?”
There was another crash of books falling to the ground. A growl of irritation was soon followed by a long sigh. “What was that, dear?” she asked, frustrated.
“This book!” Emma called. “How long have we had it?”
“I—oh, please!” Books kept falling to the ground.
Oh, Mrs. Burnett, Emma thought with amusement. She waited a moment for Mrs. Burnett to resituate herself around the mess of book around her.
“I don’t know, dear. I’ll look at it later,” the woman finally called.
“Alright.” She set the book aside so she wouldn’t lose it among the piles of books around her when she noticed very faint lettering on the front. Most of the letters were nearly gone; she couldn’t decipher the word or words.
“We can’t sell this,” Emma said out loud. “It’s completely destroyed.”
She opened the book again, and straight away, the first chapter of the story caught her eye. No normal book had the first chapter on the first page. Was the store cheated of a book? She couldn’t find an author’s name, and there was no publishing date or company anywhere. However, she recognized the first few lines of the chapter, and her heart pounded against her chest.
“Enjoying yourself?”
“…En-joy-ing…your-self…” Emma muttered, scribbling the quote in her notebook. While her most intimate friend Writer’s Block was invading her train of thought, the girl was forced to stop writing her fantasy novel—the idea which was developed just that morning. Instead, she took any quote, any action—anything that happened while she wrote at that moment—and put it in story format just to ease her need to write.
That was the exact question Mrs. Burnett asked her. That was her own name. The actions were only too accurate, and the words were too familiar, as if she wrote them herself. It couldn’t possibly be…
She stood up and, taking the book with her, settled herself on the stool to read some more. It was all there: when she offered to help Mrs. Burnett, when the piles of books fell, when she found the book…
A chill ran down her spine at what seemed to be a sudden drop in temperature. She made to turn the page and noticed her hand shaking terribly, no doubt from the eeriness of the book she held. It’s not that creepy, Emma thought stubbornly, glaring at her hands. It’s just a coincidence.
She noticed a customer walk up to the counter, and she hopped off her stool.
“Did you find everything alright?” Emma asked politely, setting the book on the stool. She noticed the customer put no items on the counter and looked up at him. “Do you need help with something?”
“Emma Prince?” the boy asked. Emma didn’t seem to hear him as she admired his perfect mess of blonde hair—as if each strand was carefully set in place. His soft blue eyes stood out against his fair skin, his cheeks possessing a tinge of pink. The light blue polo did nothing but reflect his beautiful and mesmerizing eyes.
“You are Emma Prince, yes?” the boy asked again. Emma shook her head, waking herself from her trance.
“Oh, yes—yes, sorry. Er…How’d you know?” Emma quickly combed her dark blonde hair, knowing it would be a mess after working from the storage room.
“Well, your name tag gave me a tiny hint,” he jested. Emma laughed, and he smiled, displaying a wondrous array of bright teeth. It was just like in those romance novels.
“Can I help you, then?” Emma asked, feeling her cheeks grow warm. Awkward! Emma thought, her eyebrows involuntarily rising.
“I couldn’t help but notice that book,” he said casually, nodding to the red and gold book on the stool. “I’ve seen it before.”
“Oh, well…” Emma quickly thought of an explanation to cover her find. She couldn’t make Books for the Soul look bad! She looked up to him, deciding to tell him it was a history book, but his eyes were filled with curiosity and innocence. She gulped, and answered without meaning to say it. “I found it in the storage room. I don’t know what it is; the title and author and publishing house and everything aren’t present, and the first page of the boo—”
“—the first page?” the boy interrupted. His brow raised only the slightest.
Emma nodded, her brow furrowing. “Yes, every book has a first page. Most have a second page and a third as well…maybe even a fourth page.”
The boy chuckled at her sarcasm. “Yes, but…What does the first page say?”
Emma was confused at this point. She opened her mouth to tell him to look himself when a customer—with books in her hands—arrived behind him. “Excuse me while I help this customer,” she said with a little more bitterness in her tone than she’d have liked.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the boy quickly replied with his dazzling smile to her and to the customer.
The woman giggled. “It’s quite alright. I wouldn’t want to be intruding on anything—”
“No, no!” Emma said quickly, patting the counter. “It was nothing. Did you find everything okay, ma’am?”
“Yes, I think I did.” She set the books on the counter. “My daughter needed a copy of The Great Gatsby for school, and I found a few books I needed myself. I have so much time on my hands now—I don’t know what to do with it!”
Emma laughed with the woman. “Yes, well, treasure it while you can.”
“Exactly! It’s only a matter of time before I’ll be busy once again.”
Emma gave her the total and sent her on her way. The boy never left them, though his eyes were scrutinizing everything Emma said and did the entire time. It was making her irritated and uneasy.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Emma asked coldly.
“Your cold,” he replied, nodding to her shaking hands.
Emma shrugged, ignoring the goosebumps trailing down her arms. “Someone must have cranked up the air. I have a hoodie by the front desk.”
“It’s fairly warm in my opinion.”
“Some of us aren’t that resistant to cold temperatures.”
The boy smiled despite Emma’s poor behavior. He resumed his place in front of the counter. “Do tell what’s on the first page of the book.”
Emma frowned and moved the book to the counter. “You look and tell me.”
The boy’s eyebrow cocked, his eyes sparkling with delight. Emma found him quite strange; she didn’t even know him, and here he was, asking her questions as if they’d known each other all their lives.
He read to himself for a few minutes while Emma refilled the change in the cash register. She kept glancing his way to see his reaction, but he made no facial expressions until his eyebrow shot up again. He took a breath and read aloud:
“‘Did you find everything alright?’ she asked, setting the book down on the stool. Richard watched her intently, seeing her reaction to the volume she had found. The girl looked up and noted his empty hands. ‘Is there anything I can help you with?’
‘Emma Prince?’ the boy started. He hadn’t planned his speech, and checking her name was the best start he could come up with. Her eyes glazed in a dreamy fashion, and Richard smirked. A cute reaction, but it was one he got only too often. ‘You are Emma Prince, yes?’”
Emma stared at him, her mouth hanging open. Speechless, she leaned over the book again to read the script. The main character was Emma—or, at least, much like Emma—not the boy referred to as Richard. “What—?”
“Who’s your friend, dear?”
Emma jumped at the sound of Mrs. Burnett’s voice. The old woman walked up, holding a novel in her hand. She peered over Emma’s shoulder at the book and frowned. “What’s that?”
Emma hesitated, but Richard encouraged her. “She said she found it in the back.”
“Oh, this is the one you were asking about?” Mrs. Burnett said. Her fingers brushed the antique hardcover. “It doesn’t have a title on it.”
“Well, it does,” Emma said, finding her voice. “It’s nearly gone, though. If you look closely…” her voice trailed off as she squinted to see the lettering again, “…the title’s barely there.”
“No, dear, it’s not,” Mrs. Burnett said firmly. She gently pushed Emma aside and opened the book. Her brow furrowed. “You found this in the storage room?”
“Yeah. Read it and tell me it’s not strange.” Emma shoved the book toward Mrs. Burnett and watched the woman open it, her eyes skimming over the page.
“Yes, it is strange. There’s no writing in it.”
Emma looked at her as Mrs. Burnett stared at the front page of the book. The woman didn’t look ill, so why was she playing with the girl? Mrs. Burnett’s eyes were filled with confusion and interest, though. She inspected every inch of the book as if there really wasn’t anything there.
“It’s right there, Mrs. Burnett. Richard, tell her there’s writing.” She didn’t wait for him to respond; the boy never bothered opening his mouth. “Mrs. Burnett, read the page. Don’t tease!”
The woman looked at her with shock. “Emma, dear, are you feeling alright? You do look cold.” She put a warm hand to Emma’s forehead, but Emma shook her head, escaping her reach.
“I’m fine, Mrs. Burnett! I—”
“Well, we can’t sell this book, can we?” Mrs. Burnett said, accepting Emma’s answer.
“I’ll buy it, then,” Emma said quickly. Mrs. Burnett’s brow raised, astonished. Emma dug in her pocket and pulled out her wallet. “How much?”
“Free,” Mrs. Burnett said, tossing it to Emma. “It won’t be in the system if it has no barcode on the back. I’ll be right back; the customer’s been waiting long enough for this baby.” She waved the book she was carrying and left the counter. Emma looked to Richard, who remained silent with interest. She sighed.
“There’s something going on,” she said sternly, tapping the book with her finger, “and I’m going to find out what.”
Richard chuckled. “I’m sure you will.” He eyed the goosebumps covering her arms; Emma idly set the book down and wrapped her arms around herself. “You’re hoodie’s in arm’s reach.”
She followed his gaze to the stool and held her breath. Her black and gold hoodie hung on the back of the stool, though it wasn’t there a moment ago. She had hung it by the front door, and she never moved it. How did it get here?
“Richard—where’d he go?”
The boy was gone. She looked everywhere from her post behind the cash register, but she didn’t see him. She did see Mrs. Burnett return to the counter.
“You got your hoodie? My, I forget how quick you young people can be.” Mrs. Burnett shook her head with bewilderment.
“Yeah, well…we’re full of surprises,” she answered with an uneasy laugh.
“Yes, well, you definitely prove that theory. You walk in here feeling almighty, and an hour later, you catch a cold.”
“Oh, Mrs. Burnett, I don’t have a cold,” Emma said with an exasperated sigh. “Someone was playing with the air earlier; in fact…someone must have turned it off. It’s hot now.” She waved a hand in front of her face for the tiny breeze it could make. She wasn’t lying; the temperature had significantly dropped right then and there, as if Mrs. Burnett’s arrival triggered the change.
“Ah, no, don’t give me the tough act,” Mrs. Burnett said, picking up Emma’s sweater and handing it to her. “You put that on, and you go home. I don’t need any sick employees here.”
“Mrs. Burnett, I’m perfectly fine—”
“Go sleep. If you feel better tomorrow, then you can come back; but for now, you move.”
Mrs. Burnett jabbed Emma in the back between the shoulder blades. Emma straightened at the fierce poke, and she gathered the book, her notebook, and her pencil. “Alright, alright,” she said, but Mrs. Burnett wouldn’t get off her back.
“Go home, drink plenty of liquids, get lots of rest, and don’t walk around so much,” she ordered. “Do you think you can drive home safely?”
“Mrs. Burnett, I’m not sick. I’m fine. And I walk home.”
“Don’t argue with me. I’ll see you tomorrow, dear. Buh-bye, now.” She smiled as she practically kicked Emma out the door, smiling so the customers wouldn’t think poorly of the workers at Books for the Soul. Emma sighed, situated the books in the crook of her arm, and went on her way.
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I do have possible title selections, and I'd like your opinions.
Finding the Wandering City
Finding Wandering City
Finding El Dorado
Or any other title you may have, though I doubt you would come up with at this point, haha.
Jabber, the One and Only!
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Wow! I like this book so far.it is a bit confusing when Emma opened The Golden Book and read what she has already done. I thought you typed it all over again. Try to make it look more as if she's reading it. But when i found out she read that part, i thought that, that was creppy. Richard & Emma intrest me (i have a feeling they are lovers, lol). They sound a bit old fashioned, maybe make them sound more modern. i love t so far! I would get it if it got published. I edited my book, cheak it out.
Wow, thanks everyone!
It's frustrating and amusing at the same time! I'll try to work the language out some more. ^^
Thank yous!
Your review did help, though. Thank you!
Lol, I'll try to fix it. And some of those obvious mistakes like your/you're made me feel really stupid for not catching them myself. 
Thanks so much for your review! I'll be taking some of your advice. ^^
Pattycakes: I'm glad you liked it! The time is modern, but I mimicked Emma's dialogue with mine.. and I seem to be getting bagged for my speech.
Ryukun7: Wow, I'm really happy you like it that much. xD I was a little hesitant about this, but it seems to be getting a lot of good reviews. I'll be sure to let you know when the second chapter comes out!
rebecca_anne_mcfarlane: Thanks for reading/loving it! I've heard about Emma's sudden narration, so I'll have to look at that to see if it works.
Kyte: Thanks for pointing that stuff out! I feel kind of donk for not catching my your/you're problem. I fixed it, but I didn't fix it here. I'll be getting more comments on that, no doubt.
Gladius: You always do more than I expect, lol. I'll have to go back and make a few changes. You commented on Emma's speech as a teen, but... I talk like that.
Thanks, you guys, for reviewing! It was very much appreciated. I'll let you guys know when the next part comes out. Thank you!
More are welcome!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Eep! SO sorry Jabber! I had to go to dinner late last night and couldn't finish this!!
*dies* Well, here it is now! 
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Ha ha ha ha ha. XD I loved this part! Took me a minute to figure out she was talking to herself. Also, the second sentence reminded me of you writing your fantasy story. ^_^ *huggles* However (this is me being picky), I think that sentence's verb and attached clause should read: While her most intimate friend Writers Block was invading her brain, the girl had been forced to stop writing her fantasy novel--the idea for which had just been developed that morning. Though, of course, the second part definitely needs more work than that. I might've just messed it up worse. ^^;
Uh, the first part of the sentence is worded strangely. You don't generally use 'her own' in the same breath like this. No clue how you might fix it, unfortunately, but it should be fixed. ^^;
Meh. You're doing the Gladius thing with semis!! I think this should probably be a period. ^^;
Simple fix. ^_^
This part's confusing. Which 'she' is Emma talking about? I thought at first she was talking about herself, then I realized I think you meant her to say that about Mrs. Burnett.
Hm. I don't think you make a sigh--you usually give a sigh. =/
Try something other than said when Emma offers to help Mrs. Burnett; also, natural speech generally puts the direct address at the end of a sentence (ie, Let me help, Mrs. Burnett).
This is a nice piece of background for us, but unless you give something counterpoint to it it has almost no meaning. I was looking for a 'but lately she had been slacking' or something like that in there while I was reading, and somewhat disappointed that it wasn't there. It just didn't...feel right. I have this thing about feelings like that...meaning this should probably be fixed. >.>
Two things: 1, the 'oh' seems out-of-place--well, out-of-rhythm to be precise. Instead, you can just make her think Mrs. Burnett with humorous sarcasm, or something like that. As someone mentioned before, a teen probably wouldn't say 'clumsy' (I see you've fixed that, though ^_^); as they think that, I think a teen wouldn't use 'oh' in front of a name. We generally just use the name in a sarcastic manner to convey either frustration or amusement. As in this situation. ^_^
I would make the beginning of this sentence 'She moved to set the book aside...' because you have a 'when' in the latter half of the sentence, meaning that former movement was (most likely, in my mind) halted.
As you can probably, tell, I'm being veeery picky right now. ^_^ The middle clause of your first sentence is structured awkwardly. No idea how to fix it, though. ^^; And you might want a 'being' in the third sentence here: Was the store being cheated of a book?
*applauds*
Reword the second sentence somehow. I recommend: The actions were only too accurate, the words too familiar--as if she had written them herself. But, of course, that's just my opinion. You're the author. ^_^
Muahaha. Lovely description.
Hm. I'd cut the second 'she' if I were you. It's too repetitive.
Wonderful description of a person. I tend to have trouble with that... >.< Nice one! However...that first sentence's ending needs a bit of work. The dash doesn't work with the way you've worded the second half. Y'catch my drift?
Just a matter of opinion, but...You should probably have some kind of thought of Emma's that leads into her combing her hair. It seems rather awkward out in the middle of nowhere--I mean, you know from context she's trying to impress him, after she notices his hair is so slick, but...get what I mean?
Again, matter of opinion, really, but I'd either make the italicized sentence into two or get rid of the first comma. The last sentence I'd make into Emma's actual thought.
Um, 1) what do her eyebrows have to do with anything? 2) Put Emma's thoughts in italics.
Oooh. Creepy. He's seen it before?
Hm. I'm thinking the period should be either a comma (not likely) or a colon. I prefer the latter idea.
This says 'either make it a single sentence, or fix your verb! If you do make it two separate phrases, you should probably fix the second as indicated.'
Hm. I'm not very sure about this little bit. I always prefer to stay away from contractions when I'm narrating, except to mimic characters' exact thought patters. That should probably be a 'she would have'.
Extraneous 'to'. Drop it.
Italicized section: Awk-wrd! It looks as if you're trying to say either 'The boy never left them, though, his eyes scrutinizing everything Emma did' or 'The boy never left them, his eyes scrutinizing everything Emma did.' Oh, and you can't really see something someone says, so I'd drop the 'said' part of that sentence if I were you. ^_^
Gotcha! You've mixed up contractions with the possessive. As of this moment, there is no verb in that fragment of a sentence above.
Keeping in mind what people have said about speech and character, I'm wondering if this is purposefully worded on Richard's part, because I don't think people say something like that on a regular basis. Get my meaning?
Umm, you can't cock an eyebrow?
lol. I loved that part. I adore seeing the same scene from another character's side. ^_^ Plus, this adds another layer to the book.
he he. I like this part. Good for the suspense and mystery. *hugs self* Can't wait to read more! *reads on* [oh, btw, you could probably exchange another phrase for the bolded section; it tends to be overused. Try 'eyed the woman *insert adverb here*' instead.]
Meh. I think this [the bolded section] could probably be reworded, but it's fine the way it is. =/
Too much use of Emma's name in here, mees thinks. Also, using 'head' and 'forehead' in the same breath doesn't read well...at least, to me. But I'm weird like that, so you don't have to change it. You could try, 'She put a warm hand to the girl's forehead, but Emma shook it away and escaped her reach' instead if you wanted to.
Ah ha! Caught ya! You want the possessive, dear, not a contraction. ^_^
This makes it sound like she's waiting for something. Try 'caught' or something to that effect.
For the bolded semi-colon, I'm going to hazard a guess that it reads better as a period. Though you know me and semi's, so...yeah. ^^;
For the italicized part, I'm wondering if you mean the temperature had spiked, as Emma was just saying it was now really hot in the store. ^_O
Ha ha. The first two and last two words make her sound like a caveman. XD
lol I loooved this part. XD She sounded like a nurse for a minute--and a lot like my mom. ^_^
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Phew! That took forever!!!! DX *dies again* I've never done a crit this long before. ^^; You're worth it though, Jabber, and this story. If this is basically your rewrite of Finding Atlantis, I'm wondering I didn't jump on the bandwagon in the first place!!
As usual, I'm going to point out some errors in grammar.
Just me, but I think T should capitalized in Richard's dialog.
Should be "You're."
Again, it could just be me, but I think it'd work better as, "The woman doesn't look ill, so why is she playing with me?"
That's about it for my review.
Wow, I really enjoyed this and I haven't read much science fiction/fantasy. Emma is a really like-able character and I found it easy to relate to her. I love how you started the story. I think it was very original. You did a great job putting the scene in my head. Also I couldn't help but find a strange coincidence that Emma happened to be narrating her own actions when she found the mysterious narrating book. If that makes sense. I look forward to reading more. You have a lot of talent.
I love fantasy stories; especially ones that involve mysteries such as this one. I like how you started the story, and I've already become quite attached to Emma and Mrs. Burnett. Honestly, I don't really have any critique for this piece, but rather many compliments.
This part of the plot was clever and added a great blend of suspense to the story. It also was incredibly creepy.
Although he is truly vain, Richard is an interesting character. I like the mystery that surrounds him too.
I could keep going on, but basically I really like what you have here. You've got me hooked!
As for the title, I actually like just The Wandering City, but I don't think that's what you're going for.
Sorry for the lack of critique right now, but I'm here for support.
I would like to say that the book in this story is one of the cooler plot devices I've seen in a while. The first time I read the transcription of a previous conversation I was hooked.
I don't know the time of this story, the language seems a little old fashioned to me. Like I'd expect it out of Mrs. Burnett but not so much Emma. Unless her character is supposed to be kinda stuffy in which case you're cool, but I don't know.
The fact that I guess old people can't read the book is interesting as is the books 'chilling effect'. Some how I gather Atlantis or El Dorado or some sort of lost city enters into this. I'll admit I don't know how you'll get to this point. Which is really good mind you, as I'm engaged and unsure of whats on the next line of text.
The setting of the book store is a nice touch, any other mysterious books lurking on the shelves? And disappearing boy who's seen the book before? Is he part of the book or from the past? Tricky stuff.
I like Emma and her passions and mannerisms, but Richard seems little more than a 'dazzling smile' at this point. I get it's the first chapter but the character seems a little flat to me. Mrs. Burnett on the other hand is excellent and very funny in a absent minded librarian kind of way. Good stuff.
Well written, and a really really good premise so far. Nice job!
Wow, it hasn't even been an hour?
Emma was a little tough, but I'm pretty sure I have her down. I do say "clumsy," so I didn't think it would be too weird for her to say it. Maybe it is? I tend to be weird. I'll go check her dialogue, but I tried to mimic my politeness with her character. I tend to be overly nice. T.T Richard is mysterious, and I want to keep him that way in this chapter, lol. His role is very important and.. well, if I told you, I'd ruin the story. 
As long as he seemed mysterious as you thought him to be, I'm good. 
Thanks for your review!
Cammie -- Thanks so much! I'm very happy you liked it. I'm hoping to continue this, so I'll try to let you know when I post the next chapter. I was considering that title suggestion, but I thought the the made it more correct. Not sure. I shall wait for more suggestions. ^^
3B -- You didn't have to review this. XD But thanks! It really did help! I knew a couple sentences needed re-writing, but I edited this thing a number of times before deciding that if I edited it even more, I'd forget what my next chapter would be about.
Gladius -- I guess the italics didn't work when I posted the story. I meant to use italics. I absolutely, seriously, majorly apologize for the confusion. I knew the italics were needed for the story to make sense. I'm surprised Cammie and 3B understood it! Your questions are fantastic questions, and I'm leaping with joy that you asked them. They're the exact questions I want the reader to have! This means I'm doing something right, lol.
Thanks guys for those quick reviews! I'll go back and fix later, though. I edited it only too much now. XD
Jabber, the One and Only!
Intriguing. Could you please do us a favor and italicize/otherwise distinguish the parts that are inside the Golden Book? At first, I thought you had a massive typo block, and even after I realized the intent, it still was a bit confusing. Further, the change back from the book to the narration caught me a bit off guard, too. Could be I'm just a tired reader back just from a poorly made movie
If I'm right in that
constitutes the part Richard read, then it leads to the conclusion that the Golden Book narrates from the point of view of the reader's recent history. Most interesting, and definitely worth elaboration. In that case, though, why would the adult Mrs. Burnett not see a thing? Is this another age-related thing, or is it matter of open-mindedness - she doesn't want to admit that there's writing, so for her it doesn't exist?
Looking forward to more. Don't mind the length, it's not as bad as mine
Jabber! Long time no post! You need to be more active! XD I missed you.
For some odd reason I've always seen writers block written like so. No apostrophe. I dunno why they would do that. It reminded me of when I went to Moab. We went to Arches National Park, and there was this place called Devils Garden. I wanted to scream and shout that it was supposed to read Devil's Garden. Because the devil owns it, you know? You would think that writer's block is written like so. The writer owns it. Whatever. Keep it or change it.
I think you should expand on this for a couple more moments. What does Emma think happened? It would be sorta frightening, no?
How about, "Mrs. Burnett angrily stomped her foot"?
This was awkwardly placed in the paragraph. How about, "Emma scanned the disastrous room and decided it would take about ten of her shifts." ?
Umm... what employees?
XD Perfect.
Wow. That was really cool. Okay. I think you have only a couple problems with this.
CHARACTERS
EMMA:
The main character has to be two things. One: likable. Two: relatable. I think I like Emma already. She acts like a tween. (Twenty year old). You never gave us an age, but Mrs. Burnett said she could drive, so she has to be over 16. The main problem you have with her is her voice. It doesn't sound like a teen/tween. Not at all. It actually sounds like something in the 1940s. I'm sure that's not the time period.
Does that really sound like a teen/tween? Do you go around, saying, "Clumsy 3B!" I think not. XD What I would focus on with Emma is her voice. How she says stuff and thinks.
RICHARD:
Ooh, the mysterious lover. He's pretty cool, but also pretty strange right now. We barely know him, and I think we need to know him just a little bit more before we can fully trust him. I'm sure that you'll explain him better in the next couple chapters. I like him so far!
MRS. BURNETT:
Hehe. I love her already. She seems like that funny old lady that takes her cats walking in the evening. The kind that is always happy and funny, but not meaning to be. I love her to death. I hope she plays an important part in this!
Well, overall, this was a lot better than the Finding Atlantis I read last time. I really like this and I hope you continue. Because this is gonna be amazing, just like all of Jabber's stuff.
Wow that was a long critique.
-Jared
Ooooh, I love it! Very creepy indeed. And like what's up with that Richard guy?
You write splendidly (excuse my use of old-fashioned language). I could totally feel the tension in the last few bits.
And for titles, I kind of like Finding Wandering City although it kind of sounds repetitive... Oh well, I might think of more ideas when you post more -- which you MUST do soon!
Great job, can't wait for more!