I envisioned a girl with tears in her eyes
Curled up in a corner without hope
Her eyes were searching for validation
As if she could be saved, but there was no rope
I became interested in this young girl
For every emotion was right on her face
Her anger and sadness had overtaken her
It was clear that she needed her space
I didn't want to bother the young girl
So I was as quiet as I could be
And just as I was comfortable studying her
Her eyes suddenly glared back at me
I felt as if I had intruded
Onto this young girl's forbidden land
However, just as I turned to leave
She reached out her small hand
She faced me and spoke quiet words
Words that constantly ring in my ear
I didn't come expecting a lecture
Nor did I expect what I was going to hear
She said, "Justine, I bet this is weird.
I bet you weren't expecting an ephiphany.
Do you see what you put yourself through?"
And then I realized...The girl was me.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
This is a rather good poem, filled with plenty of raw emotion and thought. I must say, I rather like this poem.
I envisioned a girl with tears in her eyes
Your flow is nice and clean and the rhyme scheme is played out really well, though it should be noted that epiphany doesn't really fit into the rhyme scheme that well and it is also spelt wrong in the poem (most likely a typo). A space between the ellipse and The in the last line would also help tidy up the grammar.
Another thing that would help tidy the whole poem up in general is the inclusion of a bit more of a structure, breaking things into proper stanzas. Here is my recommendation for that:
Spoiler
Curled up in a corner without hope
Her eyes were searching for validation
As if she could be saved, but there was no rope
I became interested in this young girl
For every emotion was right on her face
Her anger and sadness had overtaken her
It was clear that she needed her space
I didn't want to bother the young girl
So I was as quiet as I could be
And just as I was comfortable studying her
Her eyes suddenly glared back at me
I felt as if I had intruded
Onto this young girl's forbidden land
However, just as I turned to leave
She reached out her small hand
She faced me and spoke quiet words
Words that constantly ring in my ear
I didn't come expecting a lecture
Nor did I expect what I was going to hear
She said, "Justine, I bet this is weird.
I bet you weren't expecting an epiphany.
Do you see what you put yourself through?"
And then I realized... The girl was me.
Another thing that could be fixed is the lack of consistency with the grammar. Either removing the grammar all together or adding it in where it is appropriate throughout all of poem will help clean it up rather nicely.
Overall, this is a very good but rough poem with a lot of potential. Cleaning up the structure and grammar will make bounds with this poem and turn it into a magnificent work. All this emotion contained in an artistic story really is nice.
Certainly keep on writing, you have some raw talent in you. Hope to see you around YWS furthermore!
- noninjaspreset >(> ==)>*
I like the story you're telling. It attracts the mind. It's very intense. c:
The only thing I see that could be helped is your flow, but, you're still quite good at it. c: