Someone else

Hi, Schwarz!

This is a very sweet piece. I actually felt like the speaker was talking to me. Your narration was very good; the tone was beautiful.

Before I delve into deeper topics, the formatting is what hurt this the most -- which is a good thing since it's an easy fix! A block of text is certainly difficult to read, but formatting it is also a useful tool in emphasizing your points and transitioning into new thoughts. They're kind of like line breaks in poetry. Paragraphing is invaluable. So when you go back to edit this out, definitely consider how you format this.

Additionally, good grammar is awesome. Spell check!

That aside!

Paragraphing will help with this, but I feel like more could be added to make this more personal. It's a letter! Or a blog. It's a personal note that you're allowing us to read. Therefore, you should pay attention to the effect the piece has on them and how you want the reader to think about it when they leave.

That being said, and that could very well be common knowledge to you, I love the little details you put in about her. There were some details that... as weird as it sounds, they were vague still. Memories and backgrounds will help the reader get into a character's shoes. Help them understand where the speaker is coming from. I still wasn't quite sure what kind of relationship the two characters had. Was the person a... preppy cheerleader who treats computer geeks poorly? Or is she an intelligent young woman who can be very judgmental? I'm not sure! And with personalized letters like this, techniques like specific memories and details will help the reader piece the puzzle together.

Paragraphing, as I said, will help with this. When you split this baby up, you'll find that some of your paragraphs might be very weak. They'll be small, not very specific, and you may even find some of them go off on needless tangents. (I say this just in general, not specifically to this piece.) Pay attention to how you arrange the piece and say what you want to say, but say it effectively so the reader can be pulled into this world you're setting up. Remember: You want them to read this! Otherwise, why are you writing it?

What you have right now is a very cute piece, and I think it's actually a very good start to what could be even better. There could be minimal editing, and there could be an entire rewrite. That's really up to you personally, and hopefully, I gave some insight on that.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!