Young Writers Society

Hey hey Finally doing that review for you. Sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said. I'll put any small corrections in red on the quote

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands#FF0000 ">, tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on#FF0000 ">,
Ignorant in their inherent power.

As you and I w#FF0000 ">ander along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

As they see through us, as we lie down to die#FF0000 ">,
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker#FF0000 ">,
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known#FF0000 ">.
We leave no mark.

And then, it is too late:
We have risen#FF0000 ">,
We have struck,
They have fallen.

In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become#FF0000 ">?
We will not be forgotten.

Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Seize the day. We will not be forgotten. What a superb way to end a poem. I take my hat off to you

Anytime.

Oo, i forgot to "Likes" this.

*Likes*

Ben

Thanks for all the reviews guys! Hopefuly it's starting to improve from the original now.

@jenna: Sorry about the lines in between the stanzas. There there because otherwise it gets posted in one big block, not sure why. When I figure it out I'll take them out.

@Freyja: You're right, 'lest' does mean "unless". That's what I meant though.

@Ben: Thanks for your kind and constructive comments. They're very helpful.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews guys. I'm working on the edit again now. Sorry if you're getting fed up reading the same thing though, but I want to improve this!

Hey, Spike! Thanks a lot for the critique on my story. It was really helpful and I will definitely be making changes because of what you pointed out.

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.

As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,

And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen.

Hello JSPike!
First I want to thank you for picking me for a review! So, let's see what's up here.

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

As they see through us, as we lie down to die
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known
We leave no mark.

And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen.

In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Hey there JSPike! I thought this poem was actually really well-written, especially your beginning!
By the way: Not too good with poetry so I'll be reviewing the content, message and feel as opposed to technicalities.

JSPike wrote: Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic. [/qoute]

#8040BF ">I love the choice of language you open your poem with, it's drawing and paints a vivid picture, aswell as putting the reader into perspective and realising that we are what you're telling us and you convey the emotion very well here.

JSPike wrote: It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

#000080 ">This is fantastic! The punctuation here makes it read flawlessly in my opinion and it has a feel of a free rhythm to it. I especially how you have used the trees part to compare life to the "them". I love mystery, whatever context!

JSPike wrote: As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

#FF00FF ">Just a nitpick here but I think you mean "wander" not "wonder"... Otherwise I love how you've put us into the position of pawns and given this mysterious perspective so much power, it's captivating and almost paints a kind of impressionist picture in the reader's mind.

JSPike wrote: As they see through us, as we lie down to die
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

#00BF40 ">Yet again, I love this, however I'm a bit iffy on the first line, I don't feel it fits with the rest of the poem.

JSPike wrote: Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known
We leave no mark.

#FF8000 ">I like the change of atmosphere and vague repition of "We leave no imprint" to "We leave no mark" it's hinted and very well structured to work beautifully

JSPike wrote: And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen. [/qoute]
#FF0000 ">
I enjoy the sentence length here, it brings the reader on a form of journey with your writing. Beautiful.

JSPike wrote: In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

#0000FF ">I like this again and enjoy how you've kept the captivation by leaving this mysterious character a mystery, allowing the imagination of the reader to spiral in thought, It's ingenious. Well done.

JSPike wrote: Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Fab ending, all round brilliant poem and I'd love to read more.
Excuse the way this reviews layed out I don't know what happened!

I think this is very well written. I can't think of any suggestions except for line structure. Some of your lines anr a bit longer than others. Maybe you did this intentionally. Still a much better poem than I could write.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your kind, helpful and constructive comments. This is really helping me with this (and hopefully improving my limited poetry skills)!

[Changes: 19/01/10]

I have again attempted to make the poem slightly more personal, and tried to eliminate the heavy narration as suggested - though I don't know how well I have achieved this.

I have gotten rid of a few 'and's and changed around the punctuation a bit to attempt to help the flow. And also broke up the 3rd last stanza.

I've also changed the end of the poem. Just ending with 'Carpe Diem' didn't quite cut it for me. So I've incorporated a sort of 'mini' theme (that's still related) and changed the title to reflect this.

Feel free to rip it to shreds: I still want your feedback and suggestions on how to improve etc. and all comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for all your help.

Hallo, Spike!

Nicely done! I quite like the basis on idea that you've built in this; it's rather creative, although some parts do stand some room for improvement. Let's see:

Life. Such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness.
Whilst that great institution stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life.
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

As you and I walk along that many tred’d path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs
And we are but pawns.

This is really good, and it is very powerful to me.
The indifference of life, a looming shadow, the message your poem portrays. I really like the ending, I think you did it very well. In its simplicity, it brings the message of the poem.

Thanks for posting this, good work, and keep writing!

~Mo.

Hey Spike!

I like these stanzas:

As you and I walk along that many tred’d path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs
And we are but pawns.

As they see through us, we lie down to die.
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker.
Meaningless and unworthy
We leave no imprint.

Actually thats really good! i liked it a lot one little thing

Less we stand and chant