Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

He just stood there, watching her from afar.

Every move she made, every breath she took, he observed.

When she finally walked away from her friends at the bar, he felt how his heart started beating faster and faster.

He started to slowly move towards her, but his movements were rigid and slow at first but they quickly picked up their pace.

He felt his ever so fast beating heart skip a beat when he saw her entering the bathroom.

The voices in his head grew louder and louder the closer he got.

When he finally reached his destination he practically kicked down the door and once inside he slammed it shut with all his might.

She ran out of one of the stalls and let out a spine chilling scream when she saw him.

He looked at her, tilted his head and grinned.

She felt his hand being place upon her throat and how he started pulling her towards one of the bathroom sinks.

Repeatedly he smashed it into the sink and when he was done, there wasn’t a single surface inside the bathroom that wasn’t covered in blood.

Her lifeless body fell to the ground and he looked down at the mess he’d made.

He slowly reached for one of her limbs, and promptly ripped it off.

Placing the limb in his mouth he took a large bite of the soft, tender flesh.

He felt how his strength returned to him and how the voices finally shut up, and he took another bite…

Hello,

I liked this. This is the type of story that can go either way, but I thought you (mostly) pulled it off.

I enjoyed the way it was written—the strangeness of it fit the story and subject matter. The separate lines kind of served as a nice way to underscore the titular monster's detachment from everyone else—whether or not that was your intention. The choppiness of the sentences also helped create the right atmosphere—that sort of frightening, dire feel a monster story really needs.

I even kind of liked the fact that this story didn't have a lot of description, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, when it comes to a monster story, there's really two ways you can go: describe the monster in vivid, heart-stopping detail, or leave the monster a shadowy, murky figure, allowing your readers to fill in the blanks. In this case, you went for the latter. Some readers will appreciate that; others, not so much. It's all a matter of taste. I like monster stories both ways, but in this case, I think the latter choice fit this story well because of its length and unique style.

I do think, however, that some descriptions of the surroundings or, as mckeownm suggested, the actual death itself, would've been quite nice. Although I can see why you left that out, because how you wrote this—those choppy lines separated by paragraph breaks—doesn't really allow for a lush paragraph of imagery.

To make up for the lack of imagery, more insight into the monster's mind would've been great—or even insight into the victim's mind, if you were intentionally trying to leave the monster a question mark in all aspects. But all in all, I did enjoy this—it served its purpose well, and told a nice little monster story (yes, I just described a monster story as "nice" and "little") that didn't feel too stale or clichéd.

Now onto some nitpicks:

He just stood there, watching her from afar.

but his movements were rigid and slow at first but they quickly picked up their pace.

He felt his ever so fast beating heart skip a beat when he saw her entering the bathroom.

When he finally reached his destination he practically kicked down the door and once inside he slammed it shut with all his might.

She ran out of one of the stalls and let out a spine chilling scream when she saw him.

Repeatedly he smashed it into the sink

Hi!

This is my first longer review so bear with me

First of all I think you have a really good idea to start with and some really great vocabulary in there too. Overall a strong story as you are able to convey a certain emotion in a short amount of time. Now for the critique:

I really think you could develop your idea. I loved the last line when you talk about how his strength returns and the voices shut up... Is he a cannibal? Why are their voices in his head? How has this problem started or was he born with it? I am a strong believer in keeping your reader guessing, so you definitely don't have to answer all these question or give your monster a long backstory but I think you could hint at some of these things to add depth to his character.

The second main thing that you could improve on is adding auditory, kinetic, sound and of course the visual imagery. For me, a key thing with the horror genre is building up the suspense which is most commonly through description. Especially when he's bashing her head against the sink (great idea by the way) you could say something like - The sound of her skull slowly smashing wasn't even his favourite part, it was the dry, slow and scratchy sound of her scalp being pulled from her head - bit by bloody bit. (I apologize for my atrocious grammar and grotesque depiction). If you don't want as violent a scene thats completely fine, you can lean more towards the psychological side. Something like - Through the blood he caught a glimpse of her eyes and almost laughed. Behind the pain, the agony, the fear was real, genuine, relief. What a pleasant coincidence.

But your story is really great! I love your idea and I hope you develop it even more

Best wishes,
Maya

Personally I think this story is good, but the way the format is, every sentence separated from the other, kind of makes me uncomfortable. (Don't intend to understand what i mean by that.) Also your transition from one move to the other, leaves me with a lot of question. What are these voices? What kind of monster is he? Why this female in particular? Why didn't he just bite her right away? I'm left wanting a lot more details.

Hello, I'm here to review your work!

So, overall the story is very good. Now, I have no complaints about grammar, formatting, length or anything like that, but the transition is not real smooth from beginning to end. The entire piece raises a lot of questions; what it this attacker, is it truly a monster, or a deranged man, why hunt this one girl? These are fine left unanswered, as a mystery is great when pulled off correctly. Now, I understand this is supposed to be a short story, but I feel like more should be added. The story has a good base, but you should try pushing it to the next level. Add details such as what lead up to the events, why the events happened, unless you are fine with the product you have, and see no need to add to it, which is also fine, whatever fits your vision! Overall the story is quite nice, but if you want to improve it, you might consider adding more story.

Hey there, JKH! This is really short, but I really enjoyed it! It's a great little piece of flash fiction. Some areas are lacking in description, such as the beginning. I'd like to know more about his motives and why he is such a monster. But later on, the imagery is really strong, such as 'there wasn’t a single surface inside the bathroom that wasn’t covered in blood.' It turned from a casual 'creepy guy in a bar' story to a full-on horror flick very fast, and that's not necessarily a bad thing- just add more description! I loved the story, it just needs to be extended that tiny bit.