Co-written with my buddy magnusbanefan13.
For those of you who reviewed the first, non-edited version of this we thank you! You've been a big help in our revision process (seeing as how our own egotism doesn't let us look at our work without thinking "My God, this is genius!") and we hope to hear some more from you here.
So You Want to Rule the World?
Intro
So you, like so many other nefarious and neurotic people, have decided to journey down the long, dark, and highly enjoyable road to world domination. Bravo, my slippery friend, bravo! Whether you simply want to stage an office coup (and take down that balding idiot of a doorman who makes snarky comments about your clothes) or shoot for complete domination, this guide will cover everything from forming your legions of terror to how to style your evil moustache. (For what is a villain without a perfect curled moustache? Or a goatee--just like your mother's?)
However, before you rush out to recruit soldiers for your army or being buying parts for your magnificent doomsday device (that does nothing more than blink with bright flashing colors and give your evil lair the air of a roller disco) you must first consider if you are an ideal candidate for the role of evil dictator. Are you:
a) A researcher-turned-evil-genius who enjoys the effects of hydrochloric acid and spends his day ranting about the environment, planning PETA rallies, and sipping the occasional latte
b) A pyromaniac who frequently says such things as "The leprechauns tell me to burn things"--and never, ever disobeys his leprechauns.
c) A forty-year-old geek who lives with his mother, seeking the ultimate revenge against all of the jocks who made fun of his glasses, stole his lunch money, and gave him wedgies all those years ago, or
d) A fat purple dinosaur/obese yellow bird who likes to brainwash, I mean "entertain" small children and use them in his army, I mean invite them to his party. Yep, that's what I said. Party.
If you fit into any of the above groups, you will make a great dictator! (If you fit into any of the above groups, you will also need to schedule regular appointments with the psychiatrist of your choice. FREAK!) If you do not fit into any of these categories, we are sorry to say that you may not be cut out for domination. Please read the chapter titled "Searching for Your Inner Darkness" before continuing on your path of evil. For the rest of you, embrace your destiny! The world is such a wonderful place, especially if you're ruling it with an iron fist. Ah, sweet satisfaction!
Warning: We are not responsible for any negative modifications this book may have on your behavior. Side effects include maniacal laughter and repetition of phrases like "To your doom, O Hero!". If symptoms persist, see your local psychologist. You'll want a straightjacket, too. This book is not for the notoriously straight faced, or women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
The evil authors,
magnusbanefan13
JK
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
This was hilarious!! So I didn't read too much of the other reviews, but it looked like Master Yoda did a good job. However, I am going to review this, like I am the first one to review it. Hopefully I don't repeat too many things, but if I do...well you can talk about it with your therapist. Also, I want to apologize for the delay in this review...I blame Canada. Anyways onto the review:
Since my grammar is so-so, I'm not entirely sure, but I think mother should be capitalized. Then again, I could be totally wrong.
I think being should be begin.
HA!! This is one of my favorite lines...However, all of these paranthesis are a little distracting. The side comments are hilarious, but maybe you could cut out a few of them?
You realize you just described 85% of the Democratic Party? Lol, j/k.
You realize you just described my little brother to the T. And this time I'm not kidding. Sort of.
To reduce some redundancies, perhaps you should change that second sentence to say something like: You may need to schedule regular appointments with the psychiatrist of your choice. And I really felt like the FREAK, was unneccessary. I mean, after all, you are writing a book about how to be a successful evil dictator, so perhaps it is not the readers who are the freaks. = )
Ha ha ha! I love that you have a chapter on Finding Your Inner Darkness. I definitely can't wait to read that chapter.
I think this is a bit repetitive since you already said something about a therapist earlier on. Maybe you could cut this part out, but that is entirely up to you.
This part was the funniest part of the whole story. But the straight-faced part threw me off. Perhaps morally-bound would be more appropriate.
So overall, I really loved this piece. It seems it would be difficult to make this into anything but a short story. You could probably write a couple more chapters, but a whole ten chapters would be a little much. However if you incorporated this in with a story about a researcher who wants to turn into an evil genius, then that would be a book I'd buy. I love your descriptions and your humor is sarcastic and refreshing. It was cliched at times, but in a way that actually worked. I want to read more, so if you do happen to post anymore please PM me and I will be more than happy to give you a review. Again, I am so sorry about the delay. Keep writing!!
Hey! Great piece.
Anyway, I only have a very small nitpick.
If you do not fit into any of these categories, we are sorry to say that you may not be cut out for domination.
You can take out the 'that'. People would still understand it without 'that'.
We are not responsible for any negative modifications this book may have on your behavior
Try effects, not modifications. Never use a difficult word where a simple one will work, unless it sounds repetitive.
But those aren't really important. They're optional (every comment is, really, unless it's a typo).
Awesome piece. I love it.
Hello!
Oh, I love reviewing pieces as good as this one. I get to focus on less nitpicks and comment more on the actual content. I have therefore given you a gold star.
Let's do the more minor issues before we get on to the broader review of this then.
I do think that the word "venture" could replace the word "journey" very effectively here, as essentially he hasn't really decided to journey, he has merely decided to start his journey. Great hook anyway, though.
While I can not honestly deny the humor you achieve with this witticism, I would discourage the use of this, as it is very cheap, and hardly befitting of a glorious world dominator of your caliber.
Before you being buying parts...? I"m pretty confused, there might be a word missing or extra here.
Whether or not you are an ideal candidate, perhaps.
Every one of the above points is great. You might, however want to end them all in question marks, as you have asked the question, "Are you: ".
LMAO.
Now to the real meaty part. Let's get critiquing the stylistic aspects of your story:
Have a good one!
Haha, this is brilliant!
My favourite part:
The humour is not corny at all, in fact it's quite witty. But, I do have to say, the second last paragraph was a little awkward. It didn't have the same smooth reading as the others.
I'm sorry this isn't much of a critique, but I just wanted to let you know that I love this! Are you going to add more chapters to it?
Great job!
-Zehra