Published January 30, 2012
It has been a long time since I last posted but I have been back into writing lately and I am almost finished with my short story I have been working on. Please review and tell me what you think. JJxVoodo.
My own Personal Hell
Chapter 1
Recording of: Kelly Smith
Session begins at: 9:27am Tuesday 14th October 2011
Session specialist: Vicky .I. Nicolet (Specialist 017)
“Ok Kelly, Start with your name and state why you are here. Tell us of the effectors and events that led us up to the date of the incident. Help us paint a clear picture of exactly what happened and this should be a very short session. If you co-operate in full we will take short breaks whenever you feel is best, if there is a part that you feel uncomfortable talking about then try and explain around it but indicate what it is about.” Vicky explained, her pale skin somewhat glowing in the dull sunlight from the skylight above the slim, oak desk. On it lay a few of my records and files, a potted orchid and the only other thing is the tape recorder. I sit opposite her now, looking into those trusting, chestnut eyes. They seemed happy but sad at the same time, excited but nervous, angry but sorry. I had been enlisted for this appointment since I arrived 3 days ago, the events were as fresh in my mind as if they had just happened. The taste of blood on my lips was a strong one, a bold one. A memory that would always stick with me and I liked it strongly.
“I don’t think that should be a problem, I have nothing to hide.” The tone of my voice sounded creepy, like a serial killer. Well I guess I’m not that bad. Depends what you think as to if what I did was just as bad or not, I am leaving that up to you.
My session began a few minutes before with the click of an old tape recorder. Vicky said it would help if she could keep a record of what I said to take a look at and as evidence for me. I don’t care what the consequences of what I did are, I just care that she won’t do that to anyone else ever again. I felt a faint smile cross my lips, a grin then stretched from one cheek to another, widening across my face like a sick, twisted image. I am sick in a way, that’s what I have been branded since “IT” happened. “Ok then,” Vicky nodded, her glasses bouncing slightly over her nose with enthusiasm “let’s begin...”
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140,525 Literary Works • 673,325 Reviews
So, I'm assuming this is a therapy session of sorts, correct? I think that if this is one of those kinds of sessions, the therapist (Vicky) should talk slower. Because it feels like she's just dumping all this information on her patient in one large, rather overwhelming, sitting. She should explain it in fractions, allowing small breaks in between sentences so that the patient (Kelly) can show that she understands, and that Vicky can continue to explain. It's hard to take in all that information all right at the beginning.
I also feel that you should explain the surroundings a little bit more. Like, have Kelly look around at the room a little bit. To me, from this small snippet, she doesn't seem like the kind of person that'd just give her full attention to Vicky. That's just an assumption though.
Plus, having Kelly look around the room will also give the reader a good picture of where they're at and what the feel of the room is. Is it a cozy office that reminds Kelly of a cottage she used to visit in the summertime with family? A room that reminds her of her Father's study? (But maybe she despises her Father, so isn't fond of Vicky's office?)
I did like the description of Vicky's appearance, though. That's the kind of description I'm talking about. So far, the story seems really interesting. I've always been into stories like this; crazy people going through therapy. Heh.
I hope my suggestions and opinions are useful!
~Sylar
Hi Voodo! This is a great start to a novel, though the way you end it makes it feel more like a hook put on the back of a book. I like you character Kelly, though I'm not sure if it is a boy or girl yet. I also think the first speaker seems natural and lifelike. Your dialogue is also very natural.
But I think you could work on your grammar. You have a few run-on sentences in this, and you also have some problems with tense.
- Calli
Hi Calli,
I am never sure about run on sentences, I have asked my teacher about them but I never really understand them. I write more how I speak than in proper sentences. Thanks for the reply.
JJxVoodo
Review:
Start shouldn't be capitalized in the first sentence. Cooperate is one word its not co-operate. Also, the only other thing was a tape recorder, not is a tape recorder. Also, it would be three not 3. Any number less than like twenty you should spell out. " A memory that would always stick with me and I liked it strongly." The last part confused me a little, maybe re-word it?
My Comments:
Okay, sorry if the above was hard to understand I don't really like this new YWS review format it makes it hard to review. Anywhooo...I liked this story but I think you should go back and re-read it. There are some little errors but nothing that should be too hard to fix. I can't wait to read what happens next!
~Hockeyfan87
Thanks Hockeyfan87. I will change it on my computer copy. I have been told about the numbers are supposed to be spelt out but some things just never stick! Thank-you for the help
JJxVoodo