Rooftop Conversations

A few small comments/ suggestions:

"Oh." He's quiet, trying to find the words to [s]say[/s] speak, not knowing what there [s]was[/s] is to say in this situation. "Well… [s]where[/s] were they mad?"

"Were yours?" she asks, making her voice come out cold, obnoxious. As if it were obvious, a stupid question. But she leans forward and rests her chin on her knees, the [s]jean[/s] denim covering them rubbing against her, and Colin can see how weak she is.

She sighs, digs her nail into her index finger, focusing on that rather than the boy whose heart she [s]was[/s] is breaking beside her. Her back straightens, and she sits up tall, trying to look stronger than she is. "Colin…"

"Well, I'm getting that car next week, remember? So I'll still be there." But he'd catch her. His [s]hand's[/s] hands right there, clutching the roof beside her, but he'd let go in a second to save her. He'd to anything to save her.

"Far away, Colin." She scrunches up her toes, feeling the cold metal underneath her bare [s]feel[/s] feet, numbing them like her numbed heart.

"Just…" She holds her hands up [Comma here.] stares at them, tries to find the words. Her fingers shake, and she's ashamed at how weak they look. She tightens her muscles, but they just shake more, faster and faster, and she clenches them into fists before Colin looks over.

"I know you do." Her hands fall to her sides helplessly, and she feels the cool shingles beneath her skin, feels the peeling material and the bits of leaves and the twigs that always [s]seemed[/s] seem to get up there.

"But I love you, Ash," he [s]said[/s] says, like that[s] made[/s] makes it all better.

Ash stares at him while his back is turned, memorizing him at this moment, the moment before he leaves forever – with his light brown hair bleached by the summer sun and his muscles [s]taunt[/s] taut through his thin gray tee shirt and his broad shoulders straining the material. "When are you leaving?" he asks, still turned away, his arms around his knees.

"Oh, right." He smiles at her, and she has to count to ten in her head to stop herself from saying what she [s]wanted[/s] wants to say. "Not my best moment."

Oh J!! This was so sad but like ash said, it was amazingly good. I like the way you touched every single emotion and painted the setting as if you were there sitting next to Collin and Ash. My, they feel like real people to me and you really did a great job. The alternate ending was hilarious but at the same time I do really like Collin because he just had this sweet and strong personality which you can't really find in enough guys today.
Well I didn't see any mistakes,
Great Job and Keep Writing,
-Angel

That was amazingly good but very sad at the same time Why couldn’t Ash just be with him? I really like Colin and it angers me that she won’t be with him…Grr…but I guess that’s how the story goes…

He stops beside her and sits down, his body so close she can feel the heat radiating off it.

"Well… where they mad?"

His head falls, his cropped hair drooping in front of his eyes, and his shoulders fall.

A breeze wafts over them, and she imagines it goes all the way to Ohio, that the same air will cool her out there and mess up Colin's hair here.

She holds her hands up stares at them, tries to find the words.

He's just standing there, his hands by his sides, ready to catch himself if he loses his balance on the gently sloping shingles of the roof.

dude, you can't leave it like that.

first of all, Ash is a meanie for using Colin like that. he genuine care for her.

and seond, what she going to do with the baby? is she going to have it or have it then get it away or abort it? what?

and if she does have the baby, will she tell colin about her or him? will she let Colin be apart of it's life?

and will they ever get back together? or wil Ash turn to her life and used another guy? or will colin get together with another girl?

you got a great story line. i think stories like these can alway be continue.

but it's your choice. i hope you continue it.

Night Mistress.

Hey there,

Here's the review of yet another magnificent piece of writing

Xxx

*Cowers* That's what I get for being lazy and not rereading the edited version a bunch before posting, eh? xD At least I didn't have tense changes! Haha.

Anyways, thank you. I'll add those changes soon.

~JFW1415

EDIT: Typos are gone. xD

Hi! I’ve just picked out a few typos because I thought the actual content was great.

He's just standing there, his hands by his sides, ready to catch himself if he loses his balance on the gently sloping shingles of the roof.

"Did you tell them yet?" he asks, looking over at her, staring at the face he had memorized years ago. Her dark brown hair is [s]just[/s] simply? pulled into a messy bun, and her face is bare, but with the setting sun shining down on her and the wind making stray hairs fly wildly around her face, he thinks she looks beautiful. "'Cause I can be there when you do, if you want…"

A breeze wafts over them, and she imagines it goes all the way to Ohio, that the same air will cool her out there and mess up Colin's hair here.

"Colin, we're sixteen." That's all her parents had seen.

She gives him, but turns away fast.

"What don't I get?" He reaches over, one hand still gripping the roof, takes her hand in the other. Her muscles tense under his touch, and she tries to pull away, but he holds tight. She looks away from him.

He swallows hard, but makes himself talk, doesn't let his voice change, but it cracks slightly anyway. "Will I ever see you again?"

"Liar." - I’d take a new line for the next paragraph, since this was Colin speaking then it switches to Ash’s emotions.

She blinks quickly, pushing out the tears threatening to escape. She hates the words they're saying, but still, she savors the fact that they can still say the words.

"But then they built that mall. Now all you can see is a few roofs and brick," she whispers, not believing her own words.

"I kissed you for the first time up here." He sneaks a peek over his shoulder at her, but she doesn't let her expression change, doesn't let herself look back. "I had been wanting to for years. And then you nearly fell off the roof you were so surprised."

He stands up, his arms darting out to steady himself, his legs wobbly beneath him. But his eyes never leave her face. She feels him trace every freckle, every eyelash, every curve of her lips. And then she feels his eyes go to her stomach, memorizing the slight bump, the child he'll never get to see. He swallows hard, gives her one more chance.

Wow, talk about a pluck at my heartstrings story. I really connected with Colin and Ash, but I didn't understand why Ash was moving really. Were her parents sending her away, or was she leaving on her own? I got the impression that it was the former, but I wanted to make sure. I really felt for Colin, but I didn't understand just why Ash was pushing him away. If she was moving because her parents are sending her away, then why doesn't she make some kind of secret arrangement with him? Why does she respect her parents that much? Or is it maybe some kind of fear? You might consider shedding light on those motivations.

As always, you have a talent for sad endings. At least nobody drowned themselves at the end of this one, Xd. Good story.

This has been completely edited.

I think I just needed to be yelled at by Heather. xD I like this version a lot better, so please critique?

And thank you so much, Heather. You're amazing!

~JFW1415

You Looked Like An Angel [You're right, it isn't the best of titles but I'll come back to this when I'm done reading. Give me a nudge if I forget...]

"Hey."

Ash turns to see Colin walking over [s]to her[/s], his arms held out like a plane. "Hey," she says back, then looks away again. [Put it on the same line s 'hey' rather than starting a new paragraph.]

"How you feeling?" [Does he just stand there? Or does he let his arms drop to his side and come sit next to her?]

"I'm all right."

"That's good." [We don't know the characters yet so it would be good if you could give us a sense of their tones; how do they speak these words? Is it softly? Is it while pushing back tears. Is it harshly, neutrally, sadly?]

"Yeah." She pulls her legs up closer to herself, resting her chin on her knees. Beside her, he sits down, gripping the the roof tiles as tight as he can, even after he gets [Maybe finds or establishes would fir better?] his balance. [Are her knees bare and soft – is she wearing three quarters – or does she rest her chin on the rough texture of jeans?]

"Did you tell them yet?" he asks, looking over at her. [A brief description of her face would be lovely here. A description of how the fading light falls across, lighting up one side. Or if it's fully day, of how it seems to be caught in her hair, trapped by every strand.] She looks away from him, over the top of the houses surrounding them. "'Cause, I can be there when you do, if you want…"

"I told them."

"Oh," he says. She feels his eyes on her, but she still refuses to look at him, to talk to him for real. [Insert pretty sentence here. Maybe one about the difficulty of forming proper sentences, coherent words. Also, is there a moment's silence? How does he feel about this, that she's gone ahead and told them without him? Is he shocked? A little disappointed? Or proud of her strength.]

"Well… were they mad?"

She lets out a little snort. "Were yours?" [Actions dear. Does she folder closer in on herself or half turn, interested in his expression, interested in whether truth touches his eyes...]

"Well… kinda, but I'm the guy. It's not as big a deal for me." [Is this said as casually as I imagine or is it with a little laugh as if he's trying to make light of the situation?]

"I guess."

"So it'd be worse for you, right?" She doesn't answer.

"I'm not just gonna… leave, you know?" [I don't think I like him too much. It's obvious where this is going. She's clearly upset. And he's going to leave?]

"Yeah, I know." [How does she feel about this? Does she want him to go or stay? If you're not going to use thoughts, try and show us this through her actions. And also, don't forget outside influence. Is there any sound drifting from open windows? Does the air smell fresh or polluted? Does she sniffle a little, as if she's been crying? Does she clutch at her legs, scrunching herself right up. And you suggested earlier that the boy is afraid of the height. Maybe mention the breeze as it flutters by and how he clutches tighter, even though it's irrational. Is he looking at her still or out across the rooftops, trying not to look down?]

"I love you, Ash. I'll be here the whole time." [Nice irony.]

She sighs. "Colin…"

"And [s]you're[/s] your parents won't even have to worry, 'cause-"

"Colin…"

"[s]'cause[/s] 'Cause, we can take care of it, you know? We're responsible."

"Colin!" [How does she say this? Does she snap? Does she sound exasperated rather than angry? Is she crying, choking back sobs? We need some atmosphere, love. We need to care about them. We need to know how they feel.]

"Yeah?"

She's quiet for a minute. [Draw this out. Describe how she moves a little, tucks a lock of hair behind her ear or shivers. Unfolds a little, scrubs tears from her eyes.] "I'm moving."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

His head drops, his cropped hair falling [Maybe drooping?] in front of his eyes, and his shoulders fall. He looks so innocent sitting there, so pure, that she can hardly stand it. Her hand goes to her stomach. "When?" he asks.

"Soon."

"Where?" She stretches out her legs, lets them reach out for the ground. [Are they sitting at the very edge so her legs drop over the side? Or just dangling across the roof. You should give us a rough idea earlier so that it doesn't seem to be randomly dropped in just to add to your plot. Show us Colin's difficulty in climbing down to where she sits.]

"I dunno." If she just let go of the bar underneath her, she'd fall, all the way to the ground, and maybe she'd be able to stay. [Good sentence.]

"Well, I'm getting that car next week, remember? So I'll still be there…" But he'd catch her. [I think you should extend on this. Describe how close he's sitting, how she can smell him, how she can feel the heat of his body and how he'd reach out and catch her arm, his hand leaving a red print across the skin because he'd squeeze so hard, be so afraid of losing her. Make us love him as much as she does.]

"Far away, Colin." [Is she looking far away when she says this? Imagining all the miles of road that will separate them?]

"Oh."

"Probably out in Utah." A cool breeze wafts over her, and she imagines it goes all the way to Utah, that the same air that will cool her out there will mess up Colin's hair here.

"With your grandparents?" [Does Colin sound defeated? Or still solidly determined?]

"Yeah."

"Your parents are gonna move? Just 'cause of this?" [Angry or disbelieving? Bitter perhaps?]

"No, they're staying. I'm going." [For someone so upset, this is quite a long sentence when simply 'they're staying' would do. And don't forget actions.]

"I'll go with you." His voice is set – determined – and she sighs.

"Colin…"

"I will. I don't care – I don't want to leave you. Or have you leave me, or whatever." [How does he look? How are they sat? You have to remember to keep letting your reader know where they are and how they're moving?]

"Colin, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Just…" She holds her hands up, stares at them, tries to find the words. [Why not describe how the sun streams through her fingers to touch hr face. How she moves her fingers, fascinated by the possibility of holding light, of blocking it out. It's strange how a person's mind can wander when they're grieving.]

"I love you."

"I know you do," she says. Her hands fall onto her knees helplessly.

"So why can't I come?" [Does he have a whiny tone? I'm really not getting his character yet.]

"Colin, we're sixteen." That's all her parents had seen. If she were older, she could stay with him, tell him she loved him too, that she never wanted to leave.

"So?"

"So… just forget about me, okay?" [How does she feel about saying this? Does she try to convince herself that she can forget about him or does she know she can't?]

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Just… forget this ever happened. I don't want your life ruined too." [Is there resentment in her voice?]

"But it's not ruined. What'll ruin it is not being able to be with you." [You can't tell me he doesn't try to catch her eye here or take her hand. He must at least try to smile, for a moment forgetting that they're sat on the edge of thr roof and he's scared.]

"You don't get it, Colin."

"What don't I get?" He reaches over, takes her hand in his. Her muscles tense under his touch, and she tries to pull away, but he holds tight. She looks away from him, unable to watch. [Better. But is the other hand clutching tighter at the room?]

"Just… everything, Colin. Everything."

"But I love you, Ash."

She smiles, but her head is still turned away, her hair a veil hiding it. "I know."

"So what's the problem?" Her lips purse at this, and she yanks her hand out of his. She turns to face him, her eyes daggers digging into his. [Daggers isn't the most unique image. Maybe re-consider?]

"The problem is that I'm having a freakin' baby, Colin! How do you not get that?" [Does she touch her stomach to emphasise it? Or does she have her fists clenched?]

"I do get that." His voice is quiet, and he's looking down at the roof between them, but she can't back down now. She has to make him hate her – make it easier for him to let her leave.

"You don't get how bad this is," she says, but she's not yelling anymore.

"It's not bad."

"Then what is it; some kind of freakin' miracle? Please. We're sixteen, Colin. Six. Teen. Way too young for this."

"We'll manage." He reaches for her hand again, but she pulls it over her stomach before he gets close. She looks into her lap.

"Go home, Colin."

He pushes up off the roof, but he doesn't go right away. Standing above her, the setting sun bleaching his hair and outlining his body, she thinks he looks beautiful. "When are you leaving?" he asks, not looking down at her. [I'd like more description of him. I'd like to see her mind working, see her thinking she might not see him again. Maybe a stray thought desires the baby to have his hair.]

"Tomorrow." [Does that anger him? Or does it shock him, defeat him.]

"Will I ever see you again?"

"No."

"But I love you, Ash."

She looks away from him, takes a deep breath. She can't let herself cry, or it won't work. " But I don't love you."

"Oh." He sounds so sad when he says this that she wants to reach up, wrap her arms around him, and just hold him, but she can't.

"So what am I?" he asks.

"A guy I used to know and date." [I think 'The father of my child' might be more effective or maybe 'An memory.']

He looks down at her, searches her face for the lie. "I know that's not true, Ash." [Does he believe his words or is there doubt in them?]

"Yea it is." [Maybe simply 'It is.']

"You wouldn't have slept with me if it were." [Hmm. Perhaps 'Then why did you sleep with me?' except that he's angry so if you're not adverse to making it R, maybe 'Then why did you fuck with me? Just for fun, huh?']

"I'm sixteen, Colin. I was sick of waiting, and you were right there." [Good answer.]

"Liar." He sinks back down next to her, and she tries not to show that she's relieved he hasn't left yet. [I'd love to see a deep, thought provoking line here. Maybe something like 'As hurtful as every moment is, she treasures them, fixing the sound of his voice tightly in her memory.' except that you can do better.]

They're quiet for a while. Ash leans back and lets her hair fall back from her face, listens to the sounds of their neighborhood, savors the familiarity of it all for as long as she can.

"Remember when I first met you?" Colin asks beside her, finally breaking the silence. She looks up at him, sees him staring out over the roofs, and she knows he's letting himself get lost in the past too.

"You'd just moved in, right? And… and I was going out. To get the mail." They both look out at the road in front of them, and Ash swears she sees a six year younger Colin walk out of the house across from them, stop, stare up at what would be his future.

"And you were sitting up here, and the sun was beating down on you, and… and you looked like an angel." [Lovely. It fits so snugly that it almost makes me like your title.]

Ash hides her smile, ruins his words. "If the sun was behind me, how'd you know what I looked like?"

"I could tell." She breathes in deep, reminds herself what she has to do, that she can't let herself listen to his words or it will just be harder.

"We came up here almost every day," he says.

"Yea."

"You used to say you could see the whole world from here. Remember, Ash?" He looks down at her, and she can't bring herself to look away from his eyes, the ones she's looked into for so long.

"But then they built that mall. Now all you can see is brick," she whispers, hardly believing her words anymore. She wants to stop, to tell him that she loves him, but she can't. He sighs, wraps his arms around his knees, looks away.

"I kissed you for the first time up here." He sneaks a peak over his shoulder at her, but she doesn't let her expression change. "I had been wanting to for years. And then you nearly fell off you were so surprised."

She allows herself a small laugh. "You missed and nearly bit off my ear. Why wouldn't I be surprised?"

"Oh, right." He smiles at her, and she has to count to ten in her head to stop herself from saying what she wanted to say. "Not my best moment."

"Neither is this."

He throws his head back, lets out an aggravated sigh. "Just… just stay, Ash. We've been through bad stuff before – we'll get through this."

"Go home, Colin."

He's quiet for a long time, and they just sit there, in a familiar silence in a familiar place for the last time. "Fine."

He stands up, memorizes her face again. [Show this. Describe him looking at every little ridge, every freckle, every piece of her.] "I love you, Ash."

"I know," she says, then listens to his footsteps fade away. "I love you too." [Awwww. Maybe I'm just too fond of tragedy but I actually think, instead of ending on this rather hopeful, uplifting image, you should end with something like “But I don't love you.” The reader will know she's lying and it will give a more pessimistic ending.]