This is quite a good poem, although a couple of things scream "SCHOOL PROJECT!"
1. You saying it's a school project.
2. The "yet already". Please, please, no!
3. Actually, the whole first stanza sounds like "I wrote on this topic because I had to".
Yet already boxes crowd my space.
The already is a bit awkward. I think this has been said before. If you put "already" at the end of the line it may sound better. Plus, "yet" is used in just about every school poem ever written in the history of time. It sounds fake, like you're trying to be a poet with sophisticated language. You might be like that, you might not. That's just the instant image I get of people who use "yet".
Where pictures were never hung.They're hiding my bulletin board,Where movie stubs were never stuck.
PenguinAttack was right. Get rid of the were's. Sticking and Hanging are both verbs that can mean "to stick up" and "to hang up" or they can mean "to stay sticking" and "to stay hanging". Putting "were" in automatically makes it the first example, but if you took them out they would be the second one. which would give more of a sense of time cut short.
Now, when I said the first stanza sounded like you wrote on the topic because you had to, it wasn't because it's forced or anything. The extra words, like "already" and "were", give you away. You need to say what you want to say in the least words. These extras are a bit like when you've had a meal and are full, but then someone shoves some more food in your mouth. You don't want it; you don't need it. So don't add it.
On the other hand, the second stanza is great! It sounds much more flowing, much more like you wrote it of your own accord.
Overall, this is a very good poem. Good work!
Points: 890
Reviews: 89
Donate