This is part of a collection of 100 short stories, some more like rambles. It is for a challenge on LJ that I never officially entered, since I don’t have a LJ account, but am completing anyway. They supply a list of 100 phrases/words that are to be your prompt. Using the same character, you write something on them.
Currently being edited.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Awesome!
Hee hee
This was really really good, Jen. It's heartbreaking, the way Matty doesn't dare reach out for the salt, and the way their mom is hurt by their father's actions. It's so *thinks about word to use and realizes holidays have stolen my vocabulary* It's awesome
You really tuned into the emotions of the characters, and your description was excellent. I'll be reading more of your Table of Doom stuff as soon as I can. *Which would be this afternoon.*
Very strong piece, Jen, excellently written, with enough detail and emotion, and really gripping. The older sister is so amazing for doing that for her little brother! It's so mature and kind. You've done a good job helping us get to know the characters. The flashback was really good, too, and I think you worked it into the story perfectly.
Hope the review helps
XxxDo
Hey JFW!
Thanks for leaving me the link. It's always nice to have some requests waiting around for me, whenever I actually get around to critiquing things.
I was very impressed by this piece overall. Here are a few more specific comments:
I don't have a problem with swearing in literature or anything, but this seemed out of place to me. You were consistent in the type of vocabulary you were using up to this point. It actually reminds me a bit of the way my writing comes out when I'm writing from a child's perspective: clean, forward-moving, keenly observant. So using "ass" here is really too crass for a child's POV. She's shocked, but not shocked into rebellious adolescence.
Oh, I liked this. Just one example of how well you pull of the child's perspective. Even after all that she's just seen, the rules still apply: your daddy's not who you thought he was, but you always look both ways when crossing the street.
Oh, God. Knife in the heart, anyone?
This is perfect the way it's done. You don't state the obvious, don't explain things to the reader, simply allow the characters to speak for themselves. I love this.
Typo in the second sentence: his room, rather than him room.
I like the way you're beginning to wrap things up here. By giving the narrator a chance to think, you're slowing down the action, letting the reader's mind take in all the new information, fit together all the pieces.
I think using "innocent face" is a little strong. You can use the word innocent/innocence without it being overdone, but I'd rather some showing here. Is his chin trembling? Eyes watering a little, or maybe red-rimmed? What about his coloring? Is he pale because he's scared, or flushed because he's verging on panic? Try rephrasing.
I think the semicolon is misplaced here, though. Might try striking it altogether and replacing it with a simple "and." Just play with it and see if you can come up with something else you like better.
I agree with Heather that the use of the present tense was not only fitting, but effective. I fell right into it at the beginning, taking only three or four sentences to adjust. For about a year, I couldn't write a short story unless it was in the present tense, and I turned out a few pieces with a lot of potential, so if anybody tells you to swap to past, tell them to take a hike.
A very well done short story, all in all. I haven't read any of your others yet, but this would make a great addition to any collection of short stories. Hope this helps!
This was pretty good. I'm running out of time so I can't fully express my opinion but I wanted to post something here. Well-written and interesting.
Oh, this was good! You really could feel what the girl and her brother were feeling and how they wished for their father to come home and be a dad for once. And how they hoped their mom would be brave and stick up for them. I can really tell how hard it is for the girl to have to be brave for her little brother too. Very well written!
Anyway, as I've said, this was really good. i'll be looking out for more!
and then
I would say, almost blinding
I really liked this. Your writing style is very simple, but there's a lot lying underneath, if you get what I mean. I think you should work on what this girl did when she saw her father with another woman a bit more. I mean, she's only eight! Her reaction doesn't seem right.
But overall, it was relly good. and I'd love to read more of them.
A few small suggestions first -
“Matthew?” He looks up at me, his brown eyes boring into mine. [You've used this imagery before when with the father and it doesn't fit when used with the son who feels a more timid character. Maybe '...his brown eyes sinking into mine.' would work better?]
I pushed open the door after counting to one hundred, wincing when the florescent light filled the car again. [Why is the car not locked? That's very unikely and I think you need an actual reason for it. Maybe show that the father is really angry about something and have him slam the door behind him as he walks off. Or maybe have him struggle with the key in the lock and then give up, kick the car and go.]
The way the flashing lights illuminated it, causing it to stand out on the dark world road, [Hmmm. I don't think '...dark world road' makes much sense.]made it look like magic.
My chest was heaving up and down, and I silently thanked God that there hadn’t been any cars driving down the street when I had run across.
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In general, I thought this was much better than the first one you posted. You have a good use of characterization here and the relationships are displayed well. There's tension and action and it's generally well written. I would suggest adding a little more character and scene description but it isn't necessary.
The use of present tense is effective, the flash-back is good and generally I think you've done a good job. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
I liked this a lot. It's really nice and I can feel the emotions of the characters especially the girl. I'm looking forward to read more of this.
Azila: Thanks so much for the review! I will edit most of the nit-picks you mentioned, but I don't think I'll put the flashback in italics. Since the tense changes and everything, I think they'd just get annoying.
I let my mom read this and she didn't catch anything, I doubt I would have either, since I've read this a ZILLION times. I'm so glad I have YWS!
I'm glad you liked the flashback, though! I wasn't sure, since I wrote this at 10 PM.
Most of the things you caught were typos.
~JFW1415
Hi there! I have a few more nitpicks to deliver...
Oh! I'm glad you added this. ^^ But I do think that "Matty" (after "say" and before "then") should be in quotes...I think that should be "...glancing AT the back seat." But I might be wrong.
I don't understand this sentence.
Oh dear, I feel bad now. I know I told you to change it to this, but now I don't like it either.
Self-explanatory, no?
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Well, I really don't have much to say about this, except... PM ME WHEN YOU POST ANOTHER ONE!!
Seriously, I love the flashback--it delves deeper into the MC's personality, (showing that she's mischievous and pretty fearless) while also telling the reader about where the father goes. I'm glad you added it. One thing, though, that I'd like to suggest is that you consider putting it in italics, just to clarify... but it's not necessary.
Very, very good, my friend!
I hope this useless review helps a little bit.
~Azila~
This has now been edited. I have incorprated what you guys have said, and added a major scene (a flashback.) Please read and let me know what you think.
Thanks!
~JFW1415
I really liked this. I was hooked to it the second it started!
~Lulu
Tell me when you post the next one!
~Azila~
Azila: Thanks for the review! I'll try not to give up...
(well, every other weekend, two weeks in the summer, and one week of vacation, but this ways easier to write. 
)
Urgh, I keep doing that pronoun thing. I'm fixing it in my other story, I'll try to here, also.
The whole Matty/Matthew thing is because her mother is there. If her mother wasn't there, she would say Matty. I tried to show that, and will expand on it in another promt.
The whole living alone with him half the year: because the parents would be divorced, and the father would get half custody.
I'm rewriting these soon, and I'll incorprate what you said. Thanks to everyone!
Hello! I'm really glad to see another story about this character, and I think that this prompt or competition (or whatever it is) about writing 100 stories about one character is a really cool idea. If you give up before hitting 100 you should expect some nasty PMs from me! (just kidding, by the way...)
This is really nit-picky, but I noticed that all these sentences start with "he." You might want to do something about that...?This is another nit-pick, but why does she think of him as "Matty" yet call him "Matthew"? Just strikes me as a little strange.
Two things: 1) The first comma should be a semi-colon, methinks. 2) I don't really like the repetition of the word "door" in these two sentences. I think the first one can be deleted.
Why would he have to live alone with the dad for half a year? *is clueless*
This is kind of a matter of opinion, but to me it sounds a little strange to say "just several" because the word "several" is used to mean a lot and the word "just" is used to mean the opposite. Maybe try saying "just a few" instead?
These sentences should be in the present tense, like the rest of the piece.
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Overall, I loved this piece--just like the last one. *gives you a gold star* You have a deceivingly simple style; you don't use any poetic adjectives, and you don't have any gorgeous description or thought-provoking similies, but yet... you portray such emotion that I almost cried.
The only suggestion (that's major) that I have is that you add just a TAD more description, but I already told you that on my review for the other one.
I hope this helps!
PM me if I was unclear about anything.
~Azila~
Yes, this was really well done!! Can't wait to read the rest!
Keep up the great work!!!!
Kelsi =)
I'm looking forward to reading the rest of these, this is the second one I've read... nice job, how you say evrything through her observations of her brother.