Fantasizing

deleted2

Review

deleted2 wrote a review · Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:56 pm

Hey Jen !!

Another excellent piece of writing ! *is proud of you*

I've done the review in attachment form as a habit, and because I'm too lazy to do the corrections with the whole quote thing, because it never seems to work with me haha so you'll get attachments, always.

God, I'm such a noob, I can't link, I can't quote ... :wink: *laughs at self*

On to my review!! It was very well-written, and again you really drew me into the story. Some minor things you could work on, otherwise perfect.

See attachment for more!

XxxDo

Teague

Review

Teague wrote a review · Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:03 am

As requested, JFW! Sorry I'm a slowpoke. xD

giving me the eyes of an eagle.

Spiffy metaphor.

The yellowed pages of my book flipped in the gentle breeze, bringing me to my bookmarked place.

Slightly confusing -- was the wind opening the book or was your character?

Its wet nose lay between his paws, but it raised its head any time someone passed, protecting the old man.

Quick inconsistency -- you refer to the dog as "it" but then you give it gender.

I was fantasizing.

Reading ahead, I'm not sure if I like this sentence. I didn't like it when I read it, but it wasn't as obtrusive then.

Aww. This was sweet. A cute little piece. Short, sweet, and to the point. I like how you tie it off at the end. Very cute. Very eloquent and well-written. ^^

No real complaints from me! Congratulations, haha.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:

Areida

Review

Areida wrote a review · Mon Apr 14, 2008 2:04 am

Usually when I'm reading and commenting on a piece on YWS, even if it's really really good, I always kind of half-wish that it were just a little shorter, because scrolling up and down is such a hassle. (This is why we should all be published, because reading things in print is so much more fun than on a screen. ) With this story, however, I really wanted to see more.

I think the others caught the little nitpicks, but my main gripe with this story is that it's too short. The title is fantasizing, but the MC only fantasizes a sentence per person that she sees go by. By extending each of the little fantasies, you can allow the reader's mind to wander along with the narrator's, so instead of just getting a glimpse at both the situation and the reader's mind, we'll get to settle inside the narrator's brain and think and experience along with her.

Let her draw out the fantasies, even connect them. How long had the old man had the dog? Was he a World War II veteran who told stories from the time he spent fighting in the Pacific? Or was it too painful to talk about, and so the dog was the only other living thing he could stand to spend any kind of extended period of time with?

Or take one of the soccer players. How's she meet him? Did she have a crush on one of the other members of his team, but then make friends with a different one and then end up with him instead?

You've provided yourself with endless possibilities, and then just left them hanging there. Do something with them! This piece holds so much potential right now; use it!

Griffinkeeper

Review

Griffinkeeper wrote a review · Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:47 am

The house had been silent as I walked out the front door that morning.

My family was still asleep - it was Saturday - but the rest of the world was awake. The sun shone down, reflecting off the few cars that drove down the road. Kids laughed in front yards. Adults walked dogs.

And I went to the park.

I headed straight for my spot: the old oak tree in the far corner. It sat upon a slight hill, camouflaging it from onlookers and giving me the eyes of an eagle.

I sunk down onto the cool grass, the bark of the tree rough even through my spring jacket. The yellowed pages of my book flipped in the gentle breeze, bringing me to my bookmarked place.

I bent my knees and brought them to my chest, resting the spine of my book against my legs. My head was tilted downwards, giving me the illusion of reading, but I wasn't yet.

I tore my eyes from the pages - the pages full of twirling black lines that wove a story, a set of characters, a whole world into my head - and I watched the people around me.

I knew that authors called it people-watching. It gave them insight on the people around them – the way they spoke, the way they walked, the way they interacted. But I wasn't an author, and I wasn't people watching.

I was fantasizing.

I think that you can combine several of these smaller lines in a couple larger paragraphs. Make sure not to start a sentence with 'And..." since it is a connector. It's not that all the paragraphs are wrong; it is just that some sentences that should belong to a paragraph don't.

JFW1415

Comment

JFW1415 commented · Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:17 pm

Yeah, those typos are the result of me writing this late at night. I let my mom read this, since I had reread it WAY too many times to catch typos, and she only found one. O.o Thanks for pointing them out!

I just felt really stupid having this up with typos, so I've fixed it. I'm still planning on going through and working on the content.

Also, KJ: I may give a little more information, but these are supposed to be snippets of her life. I'm writing 100 about her; I can't explain everything in each one. :wink:

I will go through what you guys said, though. I just can't seem to stop starting everything with pronouns, or only using visionary descriptions. :smt011 I'll try and fix it, though.

Thanks, everyone! (Feel free to add more! )

~JFW1415

KJ

Review

KJ wrote a review · Mon Apr 07, 2008 4:12 pm

I liked this. You have some good description and interesting little details.

There were only two things I had a problem with: why does this girl pretend? Does she hate the family she has now? Is she just bored? Doesn't she have any friends to spend time with?

And the other problem: I felt like I had no idea who your MC is. What's her name? What is her family like? What are her hobbies? Perhaps you meant it to be this way, but extra knowledge and an explanation for her behavior would be excellent to this story.

All in all, good writing and creative ideas. Good work.

StellaThomas

Review

StellaThomas wrote a review · Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:12 pm

These are all really lovely, but I have to agree that you could use other senses, not just her eyes. It will seem so much more real.

Also, one thing:

It's wet nose lay between his paws, but it raised its head any time someone passed, protecting the old man.

That should be "its" not "it's".

But apart from that, I reckon everything else has been pointed out. You're doing really well!

Leja

Review

Leja wrote a review · Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:02 am

That's a really cool idea for a contest

I like how in the beginning, "And I went to the park" gets its own line. Nicely effective ^_^

I headed straight for my spot: the old oak tree in the far corner. It sat upon a slight hill, camouflaging it from onlookers and giving me the eyes of an eagle.

I sunk down onto the cool grass, the bark of the tree rough even through my spring jacket. The yellowed pages of my book flipped in the gentle breeze, bringing me to my book marked place.

I bent my knees and brought them to my chest, resting the spine of my book against my legs. My head was tilted downwards, giving me the illusion of reading, but I wasn't yet.

I tore my eyes from the pages - the pages full of twirling black lines that wove a story; a set of characters; a whole world into my head - and I watched the people around me.

I knew that authors called it people watching. It gave them insight on the people around them: the way the spoke, the way they walked, the way they interacted. But I wasn't an author, and I wasn't people watching.

I was fantasizing.

^ look at these paragraphs. See how they're all "I [action]"? I sort of see if it's been done on purpose for repetition's sake, but the individual pieces don't advance the story much, only the concept of trying-to-read-but-people-watching does.

A man with a balding head and a full gray beard sat on a bench. His eyes were closed, but his chest rose and fell too irregularly for him to be asleep. There was a dog at his feet - a golden retriever, with silky fur that shone in the sun. It's wet nose lay between his paws, but it raised its head any time someone passed, protecting the old man. What if I were his granddaughter? Would he bring me to the park, watch as I played catch with his dog?

A college student sat beside him. The two men sat only a foot or so apart, yet neither noticed the other. The boy's chestnut hair fell into his eyes as he crouched over a textbook, studying. What if I were his sister? Would he come home often, just to spend the day with me, or would our relationship consist of phone calls over hundreds of miles?

A group of boys played soccer in the field in front of my tree. Sweat ran down their faces; their shirts clung to their backs. Arms pushed and legs kicked as they ran down the field, each trying to score between the orange cones. What if one of them were my boyfriend? Would he brag about me to his friends, bring me to all his games, kiss me after he played?

There was a woman jogging down the sidewalk. She wore tight purple pants, and a black sweater hung loosely around her slim figure. Her hair, pulled back into a look ponytail, bounced with every step she took. The boys playing soccer paused as she ran by, jaws dropped. One let out a wolf-whistle, but she didn't hear over the walkman she held in her hand. What if I were her daughter? Would she take me running, teach me to bake, keep my secrets?

I wish there had been more information about these people, even if you picked just one of them and solely expanded their story. Because in briefly touching on each of them, I feel like I'm reading a short story. But with more detail about any one of them, I'll feel like I'm in the story itself. Because without knowing more about either the narrator or the people, questions like these:

What if I were her daughter? Would she take me running, teach me to bake, keep my secrets?

don't mean as much as they could.

I looked down to my book, and I began to red. They were not anything to me, but tomorrow, when we all returned, I could pretend again.

*read

I think you could dwell on this a little more, especially because I don't know anything about the narrator's connection with these people past her watching them. I really know if she's happy or sad or observant or hopeful to watch them and see them go and know if/that they'll come back tomorrow.

This is a nice response to the prompt of strangers. However, I wonder if the narrator watches the same people every day? She goes to the same spot in the park every day, and she seems to think that these people will come back the next day, so I wonder if she's been watching them for a while? If so, I wonder if they're really still "strangers" to each other, in an odd sort of way?

I enjoyed reading this ^_^

Rydia

Review

Rydia wrote a review · Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:45 am

Just the one typo that hasn't been mentioned previously -

I knew that authors called it people watching. It gave them insight on the people around them: the way they spoke, the way they walked, the way they interacted.

This is good. I think you could have been more descriptive and taken the fantasies further, really delved into the possibilities. Taken a closer look at the group of boys and thought of several as her lovers, how she might dump one, have her heart broken by another etc. And your physical descriptions could have been longer but as a short piece, this was well written. Towards the end it got a touch reptitive and it could have been more creative but you have a nice style of writing and this gave a good insight into your character.

Azila

Review

Azila wrote a review · Sat Apr 05, 2008 2:41 am

Hiya, JFW! As always, I loved this... but more on that later.

You say I can be harsh? You will regret those words, mortal. :twisted: NOTE: I wrote most of this before Jabber's crit was posted... so I might repeat stuff--sorry.

Nitpicks

The house had been deadly silent as I walked out the front door that morning.

For the sake of the opening line, I'd say you should make this simply: "The house was deadly silent as I walked out the front door that morning."

It sat upon a slight hill, camouflaging it from onlookers and giving me the eyes of an eagle.

What is camouflaging what? This confused me a little bit: is the tree camouflaging the hill or visa-versa?

I sunk down onto the cool grass, the bark of the tree rough even through my spring jacket. The yellowed pages of my book flipped in the gentle breeze, bringing me to my book marked place.

First sentence>>"sunk" should be "sank." Second sentence>>"book marked" should be "bookmarked," methinks.

I bent my knees and brought them to my chest, resting the spine of my book against my legs.

Too many "my"s. :shock:

I knew that authors called it people watching.

Shouldn't this be "people-watching?"

One let out a wolf-whistle, but she didn't hear over the walkman she held in her hand. What if I were her daughter?

Hmm... if this woman were old enough to be her mother, why would the boys (who were the same age as MC) whistle at her?

Maybe I'm just being dumb.

The college student closed his book, tucking the text under his arm as he stood up.

"Text" seems like an odd word choice to me. Maybe "pages" would work better? *shrug*

I looked down to my book, and I began to red.

"Red" should be "read."
-----------
Overall

You do a lot of telling rather than showing. All the descriptions of the different "family members" are telling us that he sat there, they played, she ran... that he had a bald spot, they had sweaty shirts, she had black hair. A little bit of telling is unavoidable, but you can try. I'll give you an example:

There was a woman jogging down the sidewalk. She wore tight purple pants, and a black sweater hung loosely around her slim figure. Her hair, pulled back into a look ponytail, bounced with every step she took.

I would change that to:

A woman jogged down the sidewalk, tight purple pants clinging to her muscular legs and a black sweater hanging loosely from her slim torso. Her hair, pulled back into a look ponytail, bounced with every step she took.

See what I mean? There's still a little bit of telling, but it's better... I think, anyway.

Also, almost all of your paragraphs (and sentences, for that matter) start wither with "I" or "A"... the words, not the letters.

I also think you should go more into WHY these people aren't part of her family...

And a bit more description would be nice, methinks. There's a lot of visual, but hardly any of the other senses--I think I've talked to you about this before, but I might as well do it again. :roll:

I would like to know more (you don't have to go insane with details) about what the park SMELLS like, what the air FEELS like (temperature), what things SOUND and TASTE (not always needed) like. ya?

Overall, though, I REALLY liked this. Your style is addicting. :lol:

I had to dig deep in order to find criticism, trust me. ^_^

As always, PM me when you post the next one... or if you have comments/questions about my review.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

JabberHut

Review

JabberHut wrote a review · Sat Apr 05, 2008 1:17 am

Hey, there! Long time, no chat! :wink:

The yellowed pages of my book flipped in the gentle breeze, bringing me to my book marked place.

I'm pretty sure bookmark is one word, and as a result, bookmarked is one word. :wink:

My head was tilted downwards, giving me the illusion of reading, but I wasn't yet.

This might just be me, but can you give yourself an illusion? Maybe giving others the illusion, but giving yourself the illusion seems a bit awkward.

I tore my eyes from the pages - the pages full of twirling black lines that wove a story; a set of characters; a whole world into my head - and I watched the people around me.

Punctuation here also seems a bit awkward. I'll try to write it and see what comes up.

I tore my eyes from the pages, the pages filled with twirling black lines which wove a whole world with different characters into a story of its own, and watched the people around me.

I think those dashes just through me off a tad, and the semicolons in between the dashes. Commas are your best friends. If you can't use them at all, then look into semis or dashes. Commas are more commonly used, though, and you'll have a better chance of finding a use for them than you will a semi or dash.

I knew that authors called it people-watching. It gave them insight on the people around them: [a dash?] the way they spoke, the way they walked, the way they interacted. [another dash?] But I wasn't an author, and I wasn't people-watching.

Colons are used if the previous sentence leads into the next, like: I brought the following items on my vacation: a beach ball, a towel, buckets and shovels, and a book. Be careful with how you use those. Or maybe it's just your style that you prefer to use? In which case you can ignore all my comments on it.

[s] It's[/s] Its wet nose lay between his paws, but it raised its head any time someone passed, protecting the old man.

Silly fingers, making you type a typo. :roll:

Would he bring me to the park, and watch as I played catch with his dog?

Commas should, generally, not be used to separate two sentences without a conjunction. Those are what periods and semis are for [as well as others].

Her hair, pulled back into a look ponytail, bounced with every step she took.

I fell apart when I reached the underlined part. :lol:

Didn't quite understand it.

I looked down to my book, and I began to [s]red[/s] read.

Again, those silly fingers are making you look bad! :wink:

Overall, I really liked it. You're writing is amazing. The description was just enough for me to picture the scene, and for a story with no dialogue, I followed and didn't have to force my way through. Your flow was excellent. Great job!

I only caught a few grammatical errors *glazes over typos* and a couple questionable spots. Realize what I say about the punctuation above, and take it into consideration. Of course, I've been wrong countless times before, so if my information is correct or you disagree with anything, feel free to PM me. I'm also open for other questions/comments/suggestions, whether they're for help or criticism. :wink:

I really liked this though, and it's a wonderful.. I guess it's not a start, lol, but it is very good. Bravo! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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