For KailaMarie's Perspective contest.
Well, this one's a little... strange.
You know how everyone seems to be doing fancy writing things on YWS lately? Well, they are. xD So when I saw this contest, I decided I'd give it a shot. I divided the page into two columns and started writing. xD Because of this, I have made it an attachment.
If you try and add comments within the text boxes you will mess up the formatting and won't understand it. Simply go to Insert comment and add a new comment for any nit-pick you have, or just quote right into YWS without marking the attachment.
This hints at some bad stuff, but it could probably even pass as PG.
Title suggestions?
And be HARSH. I'm really not that fond of this, I just want some feedback so I can fix it up before the deadline.
~JFW1415
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
A really interesting dual perspective piece, J. I'll admit I like it. Once again, as I always say, you have a thing for endings. Although, I have to say that this ending is decidedly more upbeat than some of your others. But I'm getting off track. To the critique!
Some of the character's actions seem a little odd. Why doesn't Helen try to stop Jack anymore than she does. I mean, she's practically gotten naked for him and he's just stopping in to say hi? I don't think she's going to let it go at that. Have her pull at him, beg him to stay a little longer, or at least demand an explanation and be satisfied with him saying he's going to get a divorce.
Dave didn't seem to have much history behind him. He was somebody who Marissa knew from work, who she was friends with, who all of a sudden said he couldn't live without her. Had Marrissa seen that, or was it something completely unexpected? Maybe it's not really making sense to me because romance is foreign to me, but I don't know. It seems to me that she might have had hints of the same kind of feeling for him, and that Jack's betrayal only brings those feelings into the light and cements them for her.
That's all I can see. This really is a good piece. I like the way you wrote two different stories and call it one. I also like this slightly happier ending you have here.
Good job, and good luck with the contest.
Jennnnn writing!
Okay, so I'm definitely digging the formatting, even if it takes a bit of effort to follow--it's really neat when you step out of your comfort zone, and I enjoyed it all the way through. However, the different bits of the story don't really "fit". It'd be one thing if you were focusing on one time and pinging back and forth, but you're not--I don't even know if you're talking about the same characters. If you're going to mish-mash time and space (which would be super awesome), then you have to make the connection between the two instances crystal clear. Otherwise, it's kind of an "Ahhh! What's going on?!?" sort of thing.
The other thing I wanted to touch on was the dialogue. It doesn't sound like adults at this point--it would be great if your characters were sixteen, but they're not. If you're basing it off of adult interactions you've seen in movies, use your own knowledge of adults and sneak your way around it. Make it weird, make it unique--write how they would talk. It's an awful circumstance, and the frenzy that goes along with that is important to get across in their dialogue.
But yum. Goodness. Can't you do anything new and utterly fail?