They were everywhere, floating silver creatures guarding every cell in the damp, earthy tunnel. I was walking down it, my back was against the wall. Distantly I remembered that the tunnels weren't’t supposed to smell like earth. Then I smelt it, the blood, the death.
Screaming down the hallway quickened my step, I ran down the hall, no longer afraid of being seen. The screams intensified, one soul keeper stepped out in front of me, this one was gold. It reached out for me.
Sophie’s screams suddenly stopped.
Silence.
I know this section is short, but its very symbolic. actually, anica is having a dream of something that happened in an earlier chapter. From this point on Anica is afraid of silence, and as book 2 progresses (this is a sec from book 1) silence becomes symbolic of death.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Longer Section then...Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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OK! a few things, this section is from a completed 374 page book! Yes I'm planning book 2, because I'm WRITING IT! so please, wait until you know the whole story before tearing apart what little is there. Thanks to those of you who gave constructive criticism, i really appreciate it.
Adam, I don't care what your opinions are, keep them to PM. It is a moderator's job to comment on what he feels is done wrongly, but you should respond to this through PM.
You have now pointlessly cluttered this thread. Please stop.
Thanks. Oh, and dont reply to this in the topic -- PM me please.
PS -- try getting off your high chair. Not everyone posts things to be published, and other people HAVE been asked to be more constructive (as you picked on -- Brad. This has already been discussed with him).
Thats right - all side with the one in power (joke)
The third person is a really good idea. It may be worth doing as Fand says in order to get a broader range of ideas coming in from all different angles.
All right, boys... break it up. As Dono said, Adam, if you have problems like this, you should contact people who can properly address them.
That aside...
JC, as has been said, you need to learn how to show and not tell. I'd recommend attempting to rewrite this--even just this little segment--in the third person to see if that works better. Looking forward to seeing more of you around the forums!
my topics = topics that I am involved with
Constructive criticism in regards to what? When ever I critique work I have but one focus in mind - Is this potentially publishable? If the answer is yes then what improvements need to make it polished. If the answer is no then the writing is poor or little, like in this case and it generally is wasting the time of everyone.
Hunter, is it wrong for someone to debate something with big brother? I was neither as rude nor as arrogant as you are being, in my debate I tried to keep everything light hearted but now you are attacking me with the whole "importance" remark.
May I remind you that you are the one that critiqued my critique, so regardless whether it was constructive or not technically you are in the wrong.
It appears that it is the time and place for the comment I made seeing as we are discussing bluntness.
"Same deal" -
Same deal.
In effect I said exactly the same as Lilly but she said it in a nicer way. The world isnt nice, neither is the publishing industry. I find it better to be blunt in order to ready young writers into eventually going into that industry.
Without being rude - I feel my comment was the most constructive in this topic, Adam_Atlantians comment was not constructive, Lilly helped with a few punctuation errors but really: this was NOT enough to post on YWS to recieve decent critiques.
Please hunter - dont be rude to me. I usually find YWS a pleasant environment, I only argue about points not the people and I really didnt like the snide remark about the importance. I didn't think there was a hierarchy of importance here on YWS. Obviously I'm wrong.
Badgering your threads? 1) don't flatter yourself. You aren't that important. 2) YOUR threads? This is JC's thread.
I would also like to point out that YWS is not a publishing website, but one for Young Writers to come and recieve CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. You gave none.
Neither the time nor the place for this kind of comment--if you have something to say in regards to this topic, PM the people that can help.
Same deal.
Hunter - Stop badgering my threads please. I feel that a single paragraph or "extract" as so many new members post are useless and a pointless waste of effort. How many single paragraph works have you bought in a shop?
My guess is that this is the only paragraph that has been written and the writer is already planning book 2. Another guess is that this member will never return to YWS and we shall never see any more work.
"Melodramatic" - not harsh, it is, Griff would call this "Purple" and I would as well, its very screamy and over done.
"tale tale" - miss type, should be "tell tale" which it is, its very telling-like. Nothing is shown at all. Not a sausage.
"Crap" - it is in my opinion, because of its length we have no hinting of character, plot build up or world. All these are quintessential to a story.
It also appears that some people are allowed to briefly be blunt (alliteration! Yay) about a piece (cough...incandescence) yet others are constantly picked up on it. The word "consistency" comes to mind.
I really shouldn't have to explain every review I write and It seems to be that Big Brother are desperate to tell people off rather than policing paragraphs like these or non-formatted stuff being posted onto the forums.
JC - As I said, post a chapter or two then I will happily comment on character, plot, theme etc... and review how you have compiled them all into a story. But at the moment I will repeat, this is "Melodramatic, tell tale, crap"
"Melodramatic, tale tale crap?"--bit harsh, much? Try being constructive. Furthermore, read the footnote--this is a small part of a larger piece.
JC--you're right, this piece is very symbolic. That said, though...it left me feeling very unfulfilled. When reading a piece, people don't want to be assaulted by a constant torrent of symbolism. I think this piece would benefit from a little added descriptions. Of the place, of the smells, of the soul keeper standing before our protagonist...*thinks* it all just seemed very rushed, to me.
If you could find a way to slow it down and expand on it a little, in my opinion, it would read better.
Melodramatic, tale tale crap!
You tell alot - "I did this, I did that" there is little suspense and its too small to build up a picture of anything.
You arnt a writer unless you write. Come back with a decent length work and Ill get my teeth stuck into it - paragraphs are wasting everyones time.
I have goosebumps.....I am quite frightened. I want to read more. Nice little piece.
Good luck with your novels
An intriguing little tidbit. ^_^
Weren't.
You use a lot of commas, and I think a few of them create comma splices. In other words, they should be separate sentences separated by commas (or you could just replace the commas with semicolons).
This is one place:
In addition to the first comma creating a comma splice, using "hallway" and "hall" so close together seems a bit awkward. Maybe the second could be changed to "I ran towards it..." Just an idea.
Anyway, this does seem to be an interesting story (though this excerpt is rather small to go by).