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Young Writers Society



Killing Butterflies: a tragedy [2]

by JC


You can chase a butterfly around a field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.

-Unknown

Chapter One:

“Oh my God, Ari.” Sasha pulled me closer, wrapping me in one of those hugs that manage to both comfort and make one fear for their life. She let go and my lungs re-inflated with a wheeze.

“I can’t believe it,” Roz said, shaking her head sadly and taking another sip of coffee. It was another Friday night at Grounds Coffee Shop, home to all of the city’s kids who had better things to do than party. The familiar atmosphere didn’t help my mood; instead it reminded me that John was normally here too, with his arm around me and the best smile I’d ever seen.

“I wish I couldn’t,” I said, trying to play off a sniffle as a sneeze. Nobody said bless you. They saw right through my act.

“Do you need anything?” Sasha asked, taking a sip of her double chocolate chip cream blend. Sasha didn’t drink coffee. At a mere five foot two, her aspirations to be a model wouldn’t allow it.

I shook my head and looked out the window in hopes of some sight of John, looking for me so he could take it all back. It was as empty and dark outside as ever, and I looked away. Sasha and Roz both followed my gaze and caught on immediately.

“Ari,” Roz began, looking at me with eyes filled with sympathy. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to stop thinking about him. He was a jerk, and you deserve better.”

It really wasn’t something I wanted to hear, but deep down inside the comment really did help, if only a little bit.

Charlie stepped up to the table holding a plastic tray with four cups of steaming coffee on it. “How you doing, Hun?” she asked. I shrugged and shook my head, the universal gesture for ’what do you expect?’.

“When do you get off work?” Roz asked her, ignoring my bitter sarcasm. I went to work scratching a broken heart on the side of the table with my nail.

“Ten. Why?” Charlie asked. She switched the tray from one hand to the other.

“Because I think somebody needs us for the night,” Roz replied, nodding her head in my direction like I couldn’t see.

“I saw that,” I said.

Charlie frowned at me, letting me know just how much of a jerk I was being. “Stop scratching at the table,” she scolded. “Just because your world had ended, doesn’t mean that that won’t come out of my paycheck.” Her words were harsh, but the tone was joking, enough to let me know that she was serious but not angry.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, pulling my hand back into my lap.

“Do you think we could stay past closing?” Roz asked. Charlie looked around for her manager.

“I’m pretty sure that would be fine,” Charlie decided. She lowered the tray onto the table and massaged her sore arm. From a corner of the building a loud, obnoxious sigh reached our ears. All of our eyes found the source- self-proclaimed Queen of Queens, Daphne. Charlie’s eyes narrowed at the sight of her and her impatient followers tapping their expensive shoes and looking bored out of their tiny little minds.

“I hate those girls,” she said, rubbing her arm a bit harder.

“Seriously,” Sasha said, wrinkling her nose. “That girl has sold her soul to the devils pimp. You know what she said the other day, about her and Mr. Catony-”

“Excuse me?” A shrill voice traveled through the room. “Miss, are you going to bring us our drinks, or should I talk to the manager about the service here.”

“Or maybe we should talk to Mr. Catony about the service over there,” Roz said, loud enough that we could hear, but they couldn’t. Sasha, Roz, and Charlie all broke into giggles concealed by simultaneous fits of coughing. Not very smooth. Even I had to smile at it. Daphne’s eyes widened at the thought that somebody might speak ill of her, and all of her followers glared like good little puppies behind her.

“Excuse me!” she called out, enraged. “If you have something to say about me, say it to my face.”

“You’re a slut,” Sasha called out. Roz jumped to cover her mouth and they both fell over laughing. I covered my mouth with my hand and looked away while Charlie fought to keep a straight face.

Daphne stood up, slamming her perfectly manicured hands on the table. “Bitch, let’s go!”

Sasha and Roz were still giggling as Sasha replied, “Sorry, I’m not into sloppy seconds.”

“Sasha!” I scolded, though the smile on my face told her that I thoroughly approved of her comment.

“Oh, that’s right,” Daphne said, a wicked smile growing on her face. “I forgot that you’re only after virgins, cradle robber.”

Sasha’s face darkened at the mention of her last ex-boyfriend, the freshman who had fooled her into thinking he was much older.

“Take that back!” Sasha said, standing up as well.

By now, most of the room was watching, their heads moving back and forth across the room as the battle continued. A few older people picked up their drinks and left. Employee’s stared on wide-eyed, not knowing what to do, or what side to take.

“Come over here and make me,” Daphne taunted, flipping her hair.

“Sasha,” Roz warned, tugging a bit at Sasha’s sleeves.

“Calm down,” I said, scooting closer to her so that my shoulder was against her stomach. Her eyes blazed as she stared daggers across the room.

The manager, Nena, finally came out of the backroom to see what was going on. Charlie quickly picked up the tray and started heading over to the other table, faking a shocked expression. She’d always been quite the actress.

Nena took in the sight of the standing girls, and could sense the tension in the air like burning coffee. “What’s going on?” she demanded, looking from table to table.

Shamefaced, everyone at our table looked down. Nena liked us, and it felt terrible to cause trouble at her shop.

“Girls,” she said, the warning in her voice not lost to anyone. “Charlie?”

Charlie turned her scared face toward Nena and put on her best act.

“I don’t know. I was just making their drinks she stood up.” Charlie nodded toward Daphne, who put on her charmer face as well.

“I was simply defending my honor, Miss,” she said, working up the alligator tears.

“Don’t pull that play on me, Daphne,” Nena censured. “Next time you defend your honor, do it outside of my establishment, clear? This is not your haven of virtue. And as for you, what’s you’re excuse?” she asked, turning her gaze to our table. Sasha sat down and we all shrugged.

“Well she certainly wasn’t defending her honor,” Daphne whispered loud enough for the room to hear.

Charlie ‘tripped’, spilling four cups of still-hot coffee over Daphne and her friends. She faked a very sincere sounding apology and offered to help clean off their clothes with napkins, only worsening their anger.

Daphne screamed and the room seemed to jump in unison. Nena put a hand to her head and sighed. “You and you,” she said, pointing to both of our tables. “Go to the Backroom. Charlie, that includes you.”

Cautiously we stood and followed, keeping our distance from the other girls.

_________________________________________

See part Two


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Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:05 pm
Squall says...



Yes JC, that would make her sacking much more realistic. I had some sort of feeling that Charlie seems to be more of the active type than being stuck in some bar.

Also, concerning the whole break up thing, I had a feeling that you weren't going to over dramatized it (which is a very good thing in my opinion as I get sick of people doing that). I actually had that impression that the narrator was a very good friend to them, as when I was in a situation similar to this piece two years ago (without the break up part, just that the girl that I had liked back had stopped liking me) no one actually helped, but that could be because I'm wasn't really well known in the group. So you need to make it more evident that she's well known and a good friend in the group. Your last line in the piece was partly the reason as to how I got the idea that she was a burden to the group. I actually really liked the last line in my opinion, as I thought you could had provided quite a lot of insight with it. What more can you say about it? Can you make it more evident in the narrator's current relationship with their friends.

I'm sorry if I couldn't help you more with the break up part, but compared to what actually happened in this piece, it makes my life seem like a teletubby show lol.

Anyways, I hope this response has helped. Please PM me when you have this edited. I would like to see the edited version of it.

Good luck JC.

Andy.




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Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:08 pm
JC says...



Squall: In the first draft of this, I realized that I was making Arion a burden to her friends, but that's not supposed to be the case. They want to take care of her, and the eye rolling and frowning is because they aren't going to let her get away with being overly...depressed. I don't want this breakup to be overly dramatized because it is only a small portion of the overall plot and theme. So, I don't know what I should do to incorporate those feelings.

Do you think Charlie being fired would be more realistic if it weren't the first time something like that had happened? I don't know, I need Charlie to be fired, and really, that is one of Daphne's two purposes in the entire piece. Hopefully, when she comes in next, she'll have at least a little more purpose.

Someguy: The characters are described later, but I am the kind of writer who will let a reader form their own idea's of what the character looks like. It's not one of my top priorities. What do you think they look like?




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Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:58 pm
Someguy wrote a review...



Hi again. Sorry to haunt you...
This is a nice chapter. It kind of brings you out of the tense drama that was in the prologue. Also, there was funny parts! The drama of last night was also held in our thoughts and that is good for me.

Characters: Arion is still the same. This time I feel that she always tries to hold everything back and never wants to cry, but it is difficult for her. Also to act as if everything is okay when it obviously isn't.

Roz and Sasha we know little about. Only that they are Arion's best friends and that something horrible happened to Sasha(Ooh, the curiosity is creeping in.) It is okay for now.
Charlie seems like the outgoing one of the lot.(For me)
Daphne seems unimportant right now.

Okay...
I feel you must just describe how the characters look like a little more. We have their names and personalities, but right now, for me, they are these spirits floating around with no human form.

All in all: Very nice. I like it personally. Looking forward to the other chapters. Though I might not critique for a while.(Lucky you) Internet doesn't exist where we are going on holiday. Nah... The internet cafe is expensive and I'm not wasting money. lol. Not yet...

Ah well. Enjoyed it a lot. Keep up the good work. :wink:




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Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:40 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hey JC, I'm back to review chapter 1.

The familiar atmosphere didn’t help my mood; instead it reminded me that John was normally here too, with his arm around me and the best smile I’d ever seen.


Can you be a bit more specific as to how the atmosphere is familiar with the narrator?

Charlie frowned at me, letting me know just how much of a jerk I was being. “Stop scratching at the table,” she scolded. “Just because your world had ended, doesn’t mean that that won’t come out of my paycheck.” Her words were harsh, but the tone was joking, enough to let me know that she was serious but not angry.


Interesting.

Charlie ‘tripped’, spilling four cups of still-hot coffee over Daphne and her friends. She faked a very sincere sounding apology and offered to help clean off their clothes with napkins, only worsening their anger.


This seems to happen rather suddenly. There doesn't seem to be an action or transition leading up to this.

“Do you believe in fate?” I asked after the silence had made its full decent.


This bit of dialogue seems to come out of the blue. There isn't much of a trigger or reason for the narrator to start talking about "fate".

I felt rather than saw Sasha roll her eyes.


Felt rather what?

I wanted somebody to hug me like that, and I wanted to have a day without worrying what others thought, but I always stopped halfway, and never allowed that last bit of me.


What is that "last bit of me"?

Overall impressions:

I actually quite like this. In some parts of the piece, it portrays aspects of teenage life quite accurately, and many (like myself) will be able to relate to it during their teenage years. However, there are a few places that I think you can improve on to give the piece more insight for the audience.

I find Charlie's sacking to be a bit unrealistic given the incident that occurred at the bar. Such a situation would merit Charlie a warning from her manager than being fired. This is because firstly, Charlie didn't directly cause the incident and secondly, you've even stated that the manager had liked Charlie's crew. This is why I didn't fully sympathize with Charlie when she pretended to be happy when she was fired. When she was actually crying, it didn't really seem that devastating.

I also think that you should focus more on the idea that she is partially a burden to her friends. You have some minor telegram signs of that (eg: frowning) but I think you could had made it more convincing. Have you considered the isolation factor that one experiences if they are a burden to the group? When I once thought I was a burden to my friends two years ago, they tend to cut me out of discussions and would not include me in whatever they were doing. That's just one example. I may not know the finer details of your relationships with your friends, but I know that there is quite a difference in how people behave and think if they are a burden to them. Simply put, there has to be more signs of conflict between the narrator and the group if she really is a burden to them. Right now, you are merely stating that through the narrator's voice.

The section where Sasha and Daphne were arguing didn't really do much in terms of the narrative in my opinion. Maybe it does foreshadow Daphne and the possible conflicts that could happen because of her, but it seems more like an interruption to me. Maybe you can try to explore what Sascha and other characters were feeling during that time? Right now, your characterization is a bit bare at the moment because the narrator doesn't really consider as to what each of her friends were feeling/ thinking at the moment. But I was able to tell that Roz was the one that seemed to care about the narrator the most.

Anyways, I hope this has helped. Good luck JC.

Andy.





Carpe Diem
— Catullus