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Young Writers Society



A Slight of Perception [2]

by JC


Lyssa led me down a long hallway. The walls were a deep purple, and gold curtains were hung over the doors. At the end of the hallway Lyssa knocked on a huge curtain. It pulled aside as she stepped back, two guards tied the sides holding it up like a show was about to begin.

We walked into a large black and white entry room. The three

large leather sofa’s were white with black pillows and a geometrical

patterned back and white throw blanket.

“Please, sit down,” one of the guards said.

“No,” A man said, entering the room from a door opposite of

us. “Come with me.”

“Darren, this is Sylvie,” Lyssa said.

“Sylvie,” Darren gave a slight bow.

As he was bowing Lyssa leaned over and whispered, “Give him

your wrist.”

He extended his hand, as if asking for a handshake, and I

gave him my arm, wrist up. Darren raised one eyebrow at Lyssa. “You’ve

told her?” He said.

“I thought somebody should.”

Darren chucked. The air of comfort around these two made me

feel out of place, unwanted. The fact that Lyssa could tease somebody that

high up in the chain gave me a twinge of jealousy.

“Sylvie, Lyssa is my daughter,” Darren explained, as if I had

thought too loud.

“Oh,” I said. Vampires could have children?

“There’s more than one way to have a child,” Darren answered

my thought with a wink.

After that I shut down my thoughts, or mostly. I would have to

practice that if I was going to be spending much time around Darren.

“Come, there’s much to do.” Darren walked out the door and

into another purple and gold hallway. Lyssa and I followed him.

“Can he hear my thoughts?” I whispered to Lyssa.

“Yes,” she said back, “It comes with being the Master of the

City being able to enter the minds of his people.”

“So he can here all the vampires thoughts?”

“Only the ones linked to him.”

“You know,” Darren called out, almost half a hallway ahead of

us. “In addition to knowing your thoughts, I have excellent hearing.”

I looked at Lyssa, she was smiling and staring straight ahead.

She knew. I felt like I should have blushed, in any other case I would have.

Then I remembered, you needed blood to blush.

The hallway was suddenly very quiet, except for the sound of

my feet heavy against the carpeting. I couldn’t hear either Lyssa’s or

Darren’s footsteps that loud. I stepped lighter, but it was still nothing

compared to their silence.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“You’re going to meet with Matthew, then we have to take you

to the council where they will decide whether you live or die. If they allow

you to live, Matthew is going to be executed, and you will be bound to my

father.”

It seemed unfair, that a group of people would decide whether I

was worthy of living. If they said no I would not go down easy.

“Darren isn’t you’re birth father,” I said.

“He isn’t,” Lyssa agreed.

“Then how does that work?”

“A long time ago, when I was seventeen my parents fell to

yellow fever. I survived, and Darren took me in. I lived with the vampires

for about a year when I started showing signs.”

“Signs of what?” I asked.

“Yellow fever. Apparently I did have it, but it had laid dormant.

Until then. I got really sick. That’s when Darren brought me over.”

“You’re story is much more interesting than mine,” I said softly.

“It’s more interesting than most.” Lyssa smiled at me. The

smile said she wasn’t mad at me, like I had expected. Some of my

nervousness subsided.

Darren was waiting for us at one of the gold curtains, he nodded

when we reached him.

“Now, Sylvie,” he said, “You’re going to meet Matthew now. I

want you to know that you’re going to feel very weird around him…attached

would be the word. He might try some tricks, and if you feel yourself falling

into his gaze at all, I want you to call Lyssa. She will help you. Also, I know

how it looks, but don’t fret about his…situation.”

“What situation?” I asked. Darren wasn’t meeting my eyes, and

that made me very nervous.

“You’ll see. I just want you to know, he isn’t in any pain.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Good.” Daren pulled the gold curtain aside and wrapped it

around a hook on the wall. I followed him in.

The second I entered the brick room, I knew what Darren meant

by ‘his situation’. Matthew was chained up to the wall. His arms were held

upward to where he couldn’t move them and there were tight shackles

holding his ankles to the wall. Even if he could manage to get his hands

free he wouldn’t be able to stand upright without falling over and breaking

something.

He screamed, one long painful note. I felt a tug, like there was

a rope attached to my heart, and his pain was pulling me toward him. I

took one step.

He fought against the chains, blood ran down his wrists where

he had cut himself. I could feel the ghost of his pain. Just looking at him

drove a pity right through my heart. I wanted to save him from this torture.

How could they do this to him?

“You’re hurting him!” I cried. I gave in and ran to him, wrapping

my arms around his waist.

He screamed again, pushing me away with his body.

“Let go of me!”

My arms dropped to my side. Why didn’t he want me to help.

I all of a sudden felt utterly pathetic. Useless in the eyes of this

man I was so dearly attached to.

Attached, that word, Darren had said it earlier. He said that

Matthew would try to pull me toward him. I felt anger flare in me, anger

toward my own weakness. I was my own person, and for a moment I had

forgotten that.

I looked up at Matthew, his head was down and he had stopped

thrashing. Blood wove down to his shoulders and into his hair. He lifted his

head, and his eyes met mine. Those ice blue eyes, the gaze that had

captured me once before.

This is bad, I thought. I felt that tug in me again. His pleading

eyes were calling me toward him. I needed help. What was I told to say…I

couldn’t remember.

“NO!” I screamed, turning around and crouching on the ground.

“You will not control me,” I said more quietly.

I looked up, Lyssa was standing above me smiling. Darren was

watching Matthew. I heard chains clattering.

Lyssa, I was supposed to say Lyssa when I needed help. I

didn’t need help though, and that thought made me smile again.

Suddenly cocky, I stood up and turned around to face Matthew.

He stopped moving in his chains, and I felt the power in his

gaze. It was calling me, but I didn’t respond. I had torn the bond between

us.

“Please, M’lady. The chains are silver, they burn.”

“No,” I said. The pity was there, but it was a ghost of feeling. I

could almost look at him and not feel a thing. “I’m no longer yours

Matthew.”

“She did it,” Lyssa said, her voice full of astonishment. “She

might just make it after all.”


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User avatar
842 Reviews


Points: 1075
Reviews: 842

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Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:59 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



My only suggestion is that you try to describe things more. I think you move at too rapid a pace. You have an awesome plot here but how bluntly they told her she would die if they didn't approve of her. If it was me, I would have been astonished but your MC just kind of took it. That made it kind of unbeliveable.

Also, I found that bond to be a little confusing. I've read other vampire books (don't worry. I won't tell you that your perception on vampires is wrong. I all ready told you I lilked your thought on them :) ) But I have heard of this bond between biter and victim (I couldn't come up with any better words 8) ) You should show more of what she is thinking at this time.

Other than that, I think you have a wonderful plot her. PM me if you write more (which I hope you do! )




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Points: 890
Reviews: 196

Donate
Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:30 am
Lady Sydney wrote a review...



Lyssa led me down a long hallway. The walls were a deep purple, and gold curtains were hung over the doors. At the end of the hallway Lyssa knocked on a huge curtain. It pulled aside as she stepped back, two guards tied the sides, holding it up like a show was about to begin.

We walked into a large black and white entry room. The three
large leather sofa’I don't think you need the apostrophe here.s were white with black pillows and a geometrical
patterned black and white throw blanket.

“Please, sit down,” One of the guards said.

“No,” A man said, entering the room from a door opposite of
us, “Come with me.”

“Darren, this is Sylvie,” Lyssa said.

“Sylvie,” Darren gave a slight bow.

As he was bowing, Lyssa leaned over and whispered, “Give him
your wrist.”

He extended his hand, as if asking for a handshake, and I
gave him my arm, wrist up. Darren raised one eyebrow at Lyssa. “You’ve
told her?” He [s]said[/s] asked.

“I thought somebody should.”

Darren chuckled. The air of comfort around these two made me
feel out of place, unwanted. The fact that Lyssa could tease somebody that
high up in the chain gave me a twinge of jealousy.

“Sylvie, Lyssa is my daughter,” Darren explained, as if I had
thought too loud.

“Oh,” I said. Vampires could have children?

“There’s more than one way to have a child,” Darren answered
my thought with a wink.

After that, I shut down my thoughts, or mostly. I would have to
practice that if I was going to be spending much time around Darren.

“Come, there’s much to do.” Darren walked out the door and
into another purple and gold hallway. Lyssa and I followed him.

“Can he hear my thoughts?” I whispered to Lyssa.

“Yes,” she said back, “It comes with being the Master of the
City being able to enter the minds of his people.”

“So he can [s]here[/s] hear all the vampires' thoughts?”

“Only the ones linked to him.”

“You know,” Darren called out, almost half a hallway ahead of
us, “In addition to knowing your thoughts, I have excellent hearing.”

I looked at Lyssa, she was smiling and staring straight ahead.
She knew. I felt like I should have blushed, in any other case I would have.
Then I remembered, you needed blood to blush.

The hallway was suddenly very quiet, except for the sound of
my feet, heavy against the carpeting. I could[s]n’t[/s] hear neither Lyssa’s nor
Darren’s footsteps that loud. I stepped lighter, but it was still nothing
compared to their silence.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“You’re going to meet with Matthew, then we have to take you
to the council where they will decide whether you live or die. If they allow
you to live, Matthew is going to be executed, and you will be bound to my
father.”

It seemed unfair, that a group of people would decide whether I
was worthy of living. If they said no, I would not go down easy.

“Darren isn’t you’re birth father,” I said.

“He isn’t,” Lyssa agreed.

“Then how does that work?”

“A long time ago, when I was seventeen, my parents fell to
yellow fever. I survived, and Darren took me in. I lived with the vampires
for about a year when I started showing signs.”

“Signs of what?” I asked.

“Yellow fever. Apparently I did have it, but it had laid dormant.
Until then, I got really sick. That’s when Darren brought me over.”

“[s]You’re[/s] Your story is much more interesting than mine,” I said softly.

“It’s more interesting than most.” Lyssa smiled at me. The
smile said she wasn’t mad at me, like I had expected. Some of my
nervousness subsided.

Darren was waiting for us at one of the gold curtains; he nodded
when we reached him.

“Now, Sylvie,” he said, “You’re going to meet Matthew now. I
want you to know that you’re going to feel very weird around him…attached
would be the word. He might try some tricks, and if you feel yourself falling
into his gaze at all, I want you to call Lyssa. She will help you. Also, I know
how it looks, but don’t fret about his…situation.”

“What situation?” I asked. Darren wasn’t meeting my eyes, and
that made me very nervous.

“You’ll see. I just want you to know, he isn’t in any pain.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Good.” Daren pulled the gold curtain aside and wrapped it
around a hook on the wall. I followed him in.

The second I entered the brick room, I knew what Darren meant
by ‘his situation’. Matthew was chained up to the wall. His arms were held
upward to where he couldn’t move them and there were tight shackles
holding his ankles to the wall. Even if he could manage to get his hands
free, he wouldn’t be able to stand upright without falling over and breaking
something.

He screamed, one long painful note. I felt a tug, like there was
a rope attached to my heart, and his pain was pulling me toward him. I
took one step.

He fought against the chains, blood ran down his wrists where
he had cut himself. I could feel the ghost of his pain. Just looking at him
drove a pity right through my heart. I wanted to save him from this torture.
How could they do this to him?

“You’re hurting him!” I cried. I gave in and ran to him, wrapping
my arms around his waist.

He screamed again, pushing me away with his body.

“Let go of me!”

My arms dropped to my side. Why didn’t he want me to help?

I, all of a sudden, felt utterly pathetic. Useless in the eyes of this
man I was so dearly attached to.

Attached, that word, Darren had said it earlier. He said that
Matthew would try to pull me toward him. I felt anger flare in me, anger
toward my own weakness. I was my own person, and for a moment, I had
forgotten that.

I looked up at Matthew, his head was down and he had stopped
thrashing. Blood wove down to his shoulders and into his hair. He lifted his
head, and his eyes met mine. Those ice blue eyes, the gaze that had
captured me once before.

This is bad, I thought. I felt that tug in me again. His pleading
eyes were calling me toward him. I needed help. What was I told to say…I
couldn’t remember.

“NO!” I screamed, turning around and crouching on the ground.

“You will not control me,” I said [s]more quietly[/s]even quieter.(You didn't have to change it to 'even quieter', I don't think, but it sounds just a little bit better.)

I looked up, Lyssa was standing above me[b],
smiling. Darren was
watching Matthew. I heard chains clattering.

Lyssa, I was supposed to say Lyssa when I needed help. I
didn’t need help, though, and that thought made me smile again.

Suddenly cocky, I stood up and turned around to face Matthew.

He stopped moving in his chains, and I felt the power in his
gaze. It was calling me, but I didn’t respond. I had torn the bond between
us.

“Please, M’lady. The chains are silver, they burn.”

“No,” I said. The pity was there, but it was a ghost of feeling. I
could almost look at him and not feel a thing. “I’m no longer yours,
Matthew.”

“She did it,” Lyssa said, her voice full of astonishment. “She
might just make it after all.”


Wow! Very nice, JC! :D I loved this a lot. The characters are well done, and Matthew, poor Matthew. :cry: That's mean, cruel even.

*loves it* :twisted: hahaha

Anyway. On a more serious note, there is little you need to work on with this. The only thing I suggest is that you watch your punctuation, namely your commas. Other than that, though, I didn't see anything else wrong.

Nice work. :wink:

Aqua 'Gel





We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind