For nights on end,
For days and days,
I looked for websites and all sorts of ways
to start up a career, of sorts.
-
I wandered this way here; I already tried that,
And I still didn't know where my career was at.
Why the Joker did tell us that talents do pay.
-
Getting my eyes fired, rendering mum and dad tired,
Staying aloof in the internet world, still very much un-hired,
I thought I should get over this ordeal.
-
And here I am now,
Writing this little rhyme,
In the dead of the night with no track of time;
To write me a little lullaby,
this sweet little laptop and I
now type, and type, to survive.
-
But in the morning I know I will
Wake up, wash up and still
Come back to this big bad world,
Where I will beg people for work.
-
Why it isn't money just money, that I need,
Trust me it isn't gluttony, envy or greed;
The powerless constraints though are indeed
why the wayfarer seeks out a cornerstone.
-
But in this messy, twisted corporeal,
I sure have learned man, the struggle is real.
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Canary word: Present
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This poem got my spirits up after reading a depressing one. I like how you twisted a depressing topic such as unemployment into something that someone can laugh at.
It is admirable that you don't rhyme with every line but instead add in some different endings so it doesn't seem like a limerick, although it doesn't stick to a pattern or rhythm and that's problematic.
I also like how you don't make it too choppy by adding semicolons and commas in your end-of-sentence punctuation. It's a good poem overall.
Hope you get employed!
Thanks TheRecluse!
Surprisingly, I did find a paid gig right after publishing this poem. xD Thought that was pretty interesting.
Thanks for liking my work. Keep reviewing!
Hey, priceofwords here!
I thought your poem was very humourous, playful and extremely relatable, which is sure to attract other readers! Your spelling, punctuation and grammar are all very good, no faults detected there, so well done.
In some ways, I like how your rhyming scheme is pretty uneven, because it represents the stress and chaos of trying to get and hold a job, something all of us will go through at some point. It also added to the poem's playful side, which I don't want it to lose because that is partially what makes it so appealing.
I particularly liked the lines,
'Getting my eyes fired, rendering mum and dad tired,
Staying aloof in the internet world, still very much un-hired,'
This is one of the most humorous parts of your poem and it flows really well. The phrase, 'staying aloof in the internet world' was one that I found to be very impressive.
However, I would suggest making the rhyme scheme ever so slightly more consistent; if there's one thing that makes a poem attractive to readers, it's consistency. Because of this I would also suggest you even out the number of lines in your stanzas, your poem currently gives off the impression of looking 'bitty' which I am sure you didn't intend.
But as I said before, don't fiddle around with it too much, because apart from those really small things, its great as it is, and you don't want to take away it's natural appeal. This is a great poem, and you certainly have a way with words. Please keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work!
priceofwords
Hello priceofwords,
Thanks for the in-depth review, and thank you for liking my work. You've given me a great perspective of how readers are seeing the poem, which is pretty 'priceless' (reference to your username) for a writer.
First of all what a cool username!
I'll keep the element of consistency in mind from now on. Keep writing such stellar reviews!
Thanks I'm glad you like it! I'm also pleased you liked my review
I think the way you've arranged the little sections is uneven throughout. All in all I do like the concept of this work. The rhyming is random throughout the work, and it shoukd have a set flow or pattern some sections match but a lot dont. In some of the work it does flow well with the commas you have added since its a slight pause.I think you should add a comma here like this, " in the dead of night, with no track of time" I personally don't like the way you put "of sorts" after to start up a career as its unnecessary a bit. Still nice work and I hope my review was at least a little helpful.
Thanks Staarryskyy, constructive criticism is more than welcome.
I kept the poem uneven deliberately to make it metaphorical for the frenzy that job-finding is, but yes, from the literary point of view it was highly informal. Especially the 'of sorts' part, but I added that to make it a bit more narrative. Anyhow, I get exactly what you're trying to say and I'm glad you shared what you thought! 