I'm broken.... I'm beyond repair. No cast or splint can fix me because I'm broken mentally and emotionally. The doctor says I should take that pill but I've realized there is no drug in the world that can fully repair me. My tinted thoughts rush back to me all the same. My sanity has broken into fragments and slipped from my grasp.
The parts of me I have held onto are riddled with truth and fiction, and I have forgotten which is which. Lies pour out of my mouth because of it. I make people believe I am whole and pretty but I'm not. My mind is not whole. It scatters itself around me, mocking me for what I've done to myself and those I love. Oh, how I want to tell those I love to run as far possible from me because I don't want to hurt them. I'm too selfish to tell them.
I have regained pieces of myself but they aren't what they used to be. They aren't the innocent child I was and want to be. Innocence has left them so when I bring them back to myself they are malicious and attack me. I fight the demons that dance about my mind but I'm almost never successful. Their anger boils inside me 'till I can't take anymore and I let it out on anyone and everyone who is innocent, unlike me.
I continue to fight but my courage is leaking away as well. I place a mask on to cover the hurt inside me. I paint on a smooth and delightful smile over my rough core. I sprinkle sparks in my eyes to cover up my insanity. Sometimes, the most intelligent, beautiful people have a disgusting soul.
**********Hello! This is my first work and is taken from my journal so some grammar and punctuation may be wrong. Don't be afraid to be hard critics!**********
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Wow, this is a very intense beginning, and I can relate. =^.^=
It's also a great start, so I think you can make a story from this. It could be about what caused you to become like this or what happened afterwards. However, I think it needs a little suspense in it as well if you want more reads and if you want to keep the reader's interest on your story. Maybe also add a dash of fiction into it as well.
Good luck, and I hope you do make a story from this! =^-^=
Hello. This is Margo Seuss here for a review. As a fellow lass with a dark soul, I enjoy a good bit of sorrowful writing with my morning brew. You have some great phrases in this bit. A fav:
This reads more like a poem than a short story. I think it would be more suited for a poem. To me, a short story has a plot and characters. What you've written is purely emotional; someone's thoughts and feelings. I believe this work would be more powerful as a poem. Take what you have and place it into free verse stanzas. You've got the narrator's voice across: they're depressed, frustrated with themselves, and taking their sorrow out on others, resulting in guilt.
Try not to repeat ideas too much. You state in the beginning that the narrator believes him/herself to be insane and beyond help. You state this over and over in the first paragraph, but in different ways. 'I'm broken beyond repair...nothing can fix me because I'm broken...their is no drug that can fix me...my sanity is broken beyond repair..." Instead of stating the same idea over in different ways, try adding something new. Maybe you could state why the narrator feels the way that they do, or elaborate on the emotion. Eg. 'I've tried talking to people about the way I feel in the past, but no one understands me. I don't belong.' This statement tells us why the narrator feels they are beyond help and states that they feel like an outcast. Additionally the phrase 'I'm broken mentally and emotionally' just isn't strong. It would be better to simply state once: My mind is broken and cannot be fixed.
Try organizing each idea in the form of a stanza to create a poem. You sort of already have this. You have three paragraphs in which you talk about different aspects of the narrator's state. First you mention the narrator is broken mentally and is convinced he/she is beyond help, then you say he/she takes their sorrows out on other people and feels guilty (at least it seems he/she does) about doing so, and finally you talk about how the narrator tries to hide their instability behind a happy facade. Simply organize each stanza so that each one is specific to talking about one idea. This will make your words more powerful and result in a stronger piece of writing.
Keep up the good work and remember: a good work is never finished.
--MS
Hello, Izzy01! It's Artemis28 here, and I want to drop by for a review! Welcome to Young Writers Society, by the way.
Let's get to the review. I spotted one error right here--"to" should be "too." I'm pretty sure you just typoed that, but it's these little mistakes that improve your writing if you fix them!
"I'm to selfish to tell them."
Also, in this section "till" should have an apostrophe before it because it's an abbreviation. In addition, I want to talk to you about the "who has done me no wrong." It's kind of confusing when you put it like that. Maybe a little bit of redundancy will help emphasize your point here--you could say "...I let it out on anyone and everyone who's innocent, unlike I am." But it's up to you.
"Their anger boils inside me till I can't take anymore and I let it out on anyone and everyone who has done me no wrong."
So, overall, the piece is great. Your figurative language really helps set the mood of the work (gloomy, miserable, etc.), and description stands out in this short story. The way you wrote it was so powerful--you have great potential, you know. So keep writing things on here, keep getting reviews and improving, and soon you'll be better before you know it!
XOX,
Artemis28
Thank you a lot for your review! I probably should have looked at my writing a little closer but I'm learning. Thank you for the review!