Published October 22, 2010
I feel the fish hooks pulling at my cheeks
The line forcing my lips into an arc
Sometimes it barely takes a little tweak
A gentle tug when my mood is too dark
A pulsing starts to build up in my ears
The tips of all my fingers start to numb
Forgotten are the words that led to tears
My mouth left with no choice but to succumb
I feel the edges reaching for the sky
That rush of fiery feeling in my gut
It seems to light the sparkle in my eye
The door that holds the anger's firmly shut
You look at me and flash a warming grin
My lips betray me, I smile back, you win.
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141,424 Literary Works • 674,403 Reviews
Wow! That was REALLY good! The use of vocabulary was perfect and it flowed along so well. Keep up the good work!
You followed the Shakesperean sonnet rhyme scheme, rhythm, and meter. There are times when the iambic pentameter is a bit off (lines 2 and 4, etc.) but I suppose that's okay since you followed it correctly in most parts.
Now, for the content:
The poem is very confusing. I don't know who (or what) the persona is. A girl? A fish? If she were a girl, then why the fish hooks? If it were a fish, why does it have fingers? Who is the "you" and what is his/her relationship with the persona?
Because I get a funny image from all this. I see a girl with fish hooks forcing her mouth into a smile (as for who or what put the fish hooks there, I have no idea. the fishing lines are tied to clouds or something) with another person (boy or girl, I don't know) smiling at her.
Maybe next time you could use free verse instead. Sonnets are difficult to write well. The rhyme scheme and metrical constraints can hinder you. And keep the language simple.
The grammar is sound, but maybe you could have used punctuation marks?
Sorry if that was harsh. I was just trying to give constructive criticism. That's what workshops are for, no? xD
Hello! This was so cute and happy. I loved it. The metaphors and personification are wonderful. The word choice and rhythm are nice. The flow was nicely done. Great job!
~Ballerina