Published May 7, 2012
When the sun was a God and the moon ruled the night,
When a sight for sore eyes was an eagle in flight.
When the stars stretched forever, and silvered the sky,
And questions unanswered would gladly defy.
When reason was nature and mystery shone,
When the coming of autumn meant summer had gone,
When winter was frozen and hard to endure,
But green buds of spring would creep up the door.
When billowing black that mingled the air,
Was flesh of a beast caught alone in a snare.
When tapering trunks were the highest rise,
And evoking the ancestors words to the wise.
When towering earth was the feat of the day,
And the lifeblood of flocks kept bad spirits away,
When remedy was hope and fortune the cure,
And the cool mist of rawness hung over the moors.
When angels and scriptures were yet to be born,
Before clanging iron pervaded the morn,
Existence was transient, fragile and rough,
But the twinkles of diamonds transcended the scruff.
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141,419 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey Izzy
Imagery:
I love it! The Imagery in this is creative and very well described. It makes me feel like I'm floating in another dimension and looking at everything at once. I especially like the 'towering earth was the feat of the day and the lifeblood of flocks kept bad spirits away.'
Rhythm and Rhyme:
The rhythm is a bit off in places where you've tried to squash too many syllables onto a single line. "But green buds..." and "The lifeblood of flocks..." stand out in particular. Also, some of the rhumes seem forced, like you've had to tweak the line just to fit the rhyme in. When trying to rhyme always try out a few different possibilities before settling on a final one.
Repition:
I like the repitition in this, just try to keep it consistent. In the first two stanzas you repeat 'When' on the first three lines, but on the third and fourth you repeat it on alternating lines.
Overall:
Wonderful imagery and a great use of vocabulary. Keep trying hard and you'll keep getting better!
~ Ten