Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Young Love- Ch.2
The damned ringing drones on and on and on as my hand shoots forward to the snooze button. I hit it on target the first time, something I rarely do. My eyes slowly open, revealing my soft grayish eyes. I always loved them. They looked like an inverted copy of Sarah’s, while her’s are blue with tints of gray, mine are gray with tints of blue. Sarah... what the hell happened? I think, remembering the events that occurred just a week before, her crying and then running away from me, just seemed odd, almost... how you would say out of character. “MARTIN GET DOWN HERE! BREAKFAST IS READY!” Yells my Mother. This is how she calls me for breakfast every God damned morning. So I get out of bed and get dressed for school. “Great. Another day at Glenmoril High! High school of history.” I say to myself quietly. Don’t get me wrong, Glenmoril is a good high school. It has good teachers, good lessons, and good spaces where nobody will catch me gaming away the day in between classes, and sometimes during the unimportant ones. Let’s just say that I don’t, agree, with some of the people there. OH, why hide it, I hate some people, and they hate me. That’s good if you ask me.
My name is Martin Niegowski. I’m 16 years old, white, male, half Polish, quarter Canadian, quarter Russian, standing at six foot five. I go to Glenmoril High School. I’m a genius in math and computer programming, a B average in Science, I’m getting through psychology with flying colors, and most of the rest is a pass/fail on my part. I have two best friends, Michael, 16 years old, we share most classes this year. I do believe that when Michael was a baby, he was dropped on his head, because the man couldn’t be any crazier. He once climbed five floors up the side of his building to get to his apartment because he forgot his keys. Then he climbed back down to get his bag, and climbed back up. I also have Sarah. She’s also 16 years old and we share an art class and a psychology class. The girl is smart, kind, and beautiful. I wouldn’t say that it’s going too far to say that I love her, but lately she’s been dating Chad, the guy who, most likely, has the biggest ego in the entire fucking world.
Anyway, back to me. I use my spare time to play video games, play my guitar, climb trees, and, my personal favorite, riding my motorcycle, Road Runner. I’m a big fan of the Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show, even though it is 2015 and that show is lost in the ages, and that’s where I got the inspiration for my insanely fast motor cycle. Rock and Roll, Metal, and Alternative Rock are my favorite types of music. Swimming is the only sport I’ll ever agree to, though I do track at school. My hair reaches my neck in a point and forms a sort of upside down tear drop-shape in a rich and somber black color. I wear glasses with a blue, rectangular shape and upside-down green triangles on the sides. I live in Ontario, Canada. I don’t plan to live anywhere else, Canada is my home, and I will never leave it. Unless, you know, it’s for vacation. But that is all you really need to know about me. Honestly, people don’t care about me, and that’s fine. I couldn’t give two shits about them. I’m usually trying to blend into the crowds at school. I don’t give shit to people, and I don’t get shit from people.
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Hey there and welcome to YWS! I'm Kev, here to review your story!
I read your first chapter and came over to give this one a read, hoping that you would answer the question as to why Sarah was crying, but there wasn't closure on that yet. Even though you may be planning on revealing why later in the story, you still need to give us some conflict or action in this chapter. All that was said was a lot of description that could be said in a smoother and more effective manner as the story progresses. Instead of telling, *show* us. For instance, you could have had Martin going through another day of high school in this chapter and gradually worked in details where they were needed instead of unloading everything on us in one chapter.
The way you describe Martin was like you were reading off a list and making sure you got every last detail about him in. You gave him a description that was almost too accurate. Trust me, you don't need to do this! Don't worry about wanting a character that's attractive and feeling the need to tell the reader every attribute about him-- if you give the reader enough details about the character, they will paint a picture in their head and they will most likely make him/her attractive automatically. And remember that not every character has to be handsome/pretty! Sometimes people are just normal, and that's what makes them attractive. If you have a character with a unique and interesting personality, it makes up for their normality.
So far, you've given us plenty of description on Martin's appearance, but we hardly know his personality. The sentence "Anyway, back to me." will leave a bad taste in any reader's mouth. It sounds snobby, and no one wants to listen to a person like that. A humble character is a good character, unless one of their personalities is to be stuck up. If in any case there is a character like that, make sure that you give them a lot of personality to make us sympathize with them despite the fact that they come off brash.
There are a couple grammatical errors that can be easily fixed if you read through; if you need help spotting them out, just tell me and I'll point them out. Also, you need to indent when a new person is talking. Some of your paragraphs need to be broken up so they aren't blocks of text.
You can really make this story shine! You have talent-- a lot of it. That, with your passion for writing, will make something truly spectacular. Let me know when the next chapter is up!
-Kev
Helloooo Newbie, Leo here to review:-)
This is a good piece...i liked reading it..."But" the thing is that there is not much to review....this chapter is very short, more like a short story, and is basically is like an introduction!
Still, there are some things which i guess needs to be worked upon...
"I always loved them. They looked like an inverted copy of Sarah’s, while her’s are blue with tints of gray, mine are gray with tints of blue."
These sentences are in the past tense whereas your entire story revolves in the present tense...
Then, the third paragraph is somewhat dull, for me, as you go into great details when giving a description of the protagonist...Not needed actually..you can keep it simple, and highlight the important quirks which will come into play in the following chapters...that will be interesting...
having said that, I would like you to suggest one more thing that when you are writing a chapter, include some important events or details in it so that it connects with the next....I hope you are getting what i am saying...so just look out for this when you write the next chapter...
Thank you:-) and welcome to YWS.....