Young Love- Ch.1
She walked down the gray paved road in between two large and luscious fields of grass with a certain sad look. Her eyes were puffed and red, as was her nose. She was wearing a beautiful rosy red dress and a pair of black as midnight heels. She had long, flowing chocolate hair that created a brown curtain over her back. Her skin was a nice toasted golden color- obviously she had been tanning as she was regularly paler- and her lips were luscious and red. The girl had blue eyes, not a deep blue, but a grayish- bluish blue that made her absolutely stunning. But you could see veins like bloodshot lightning bolts covering the whites of her eyes. I almost didn't recognize her. “Sarah...?” I spoke quietly, barely a whisper. She looked up at me and I saw a tear run down her face. I had never seen her cry before. I had never wanted to see her cry. Ever. “Martin...!” She spoke with surprise.
I got up and walked over to her, as she was now standing. It was obvious she was crying, but she was trying to cover it up with that warm, kind, friendly smile that I loved to see from her. It was also obvious how good she thought she was at acting. I quickly went to her and held her in a caring embrace. “What happened? Why are you out here alone? Why are you crying? What’s with the dress?” I know it might have been too many questions, but I needed to know all of the answers. “I- I- It’s nothing.” She said, her voice quivering again. “Well it’s obviously something! What happened?” I asked her once more. “I said nothing!” She answered, pushing off of me and simultaneously taking off her high heels. She then ran from me, towards her home, leaving me standing there arms still slightly away from my body. The sky turned to evening. I looked back to the swing set I was sitting on just a moment before, thinking I might be able to sit on it again. Nah, it’s getting late, Mum and Dad are going to be pissed. Also seeing Sarah cry has really made me un-easy. I should get home. I thought to myself. I picked up the D.S. that I was playing, folded it, stuffed it in my pocket, and went home. On the way back, though, I glanced behind me to see if Sarah was coming back. She wasn’t.
“Yeah, yeah! I’m going, calm down!” I yell back at my mother as she angrily sends me to take a shower. I’m cold, tired, and dirty, so I might as well. I get to the bathroom and strip off my clothes. I usually use my showers as reflection time, so I will make this one a longer one. I take my Ipod off the counter and turn it to shuffle on a music list of All American Rejects- definitely my favorite band. Or who knows, I’ll probably decide some different band is my favorite in the next month or so. That’s how I am about music, indecisive, and turn the hot water knob up about eighty percent of the way. I like my showers hot, but not boil-your-skin-off hot. I get in and start to wash myself. I think about the events that happened a week ago. Sarah, beautiful as ever, crying, then running away from me. What was it about? Who knows? She has been avoiding me at Glenmoril High this past week. I guess I will know, though. I thought a few minutes later when I finish my shower.
End of chapter
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You drew me in with the romance
Instead of "and so was..." I think "as was..." might sound better. But that's just a picky little opinion of mine. I'm only two sentences in and I can tell you're a good writer.
I just wanted to highlight this passage to say that four sentences in a row start with the same word so maybe, to help it flow better, you should try to switch up the syntax a little and vary how you start the sentences. I also thought a few commas were missing when there are lists of multiple descriptive words before a noun.
Should this be "definitely?"
I'm not sure what the dash is for, either way this sentence doesn't really make sense. It needs a better transition from one thing to the other.
So this isn't a bad start, I'm interested to see where it goes because I don't really see a direction right now. Over all it didn't really pull my interest in, there wasn't like a hooker event or anything that made me curious so consider that. The sentences aren't that bad but you tend to stray toward "something something, so... something." And I think you should try to use so a little less.
Nice emotion though, maybe I am wondering a bit why she's sad. Keep it up! I hope this helped!
Thanks, I'll be sure to look through my spelling and grammar a bit more closely next time.
Hey, awesome story. I loved how much detail you put into such a short bit. I am a fan of how you created your character, and how you wrote about what was going through his mind. How he analysed the situation and how he acted. I also like the detail you put into describing the Sarah. I really like imagery and your imagery is amazing. I can really picture what she looks like with the description you put. Keep it up, i'd love to read more of this