While I try to find parallels in everyone I meet,
The similarities of everything in my sight,
You’re the one thing I’ve never found twice.
You have the facial shape of an angel, the body of one too,
But you doubt like a scientist yet all your dreams come true.
And here I stand watching you as you leave me behind.
If I had the chance to redo what I have done wrong
And the strength to do what I have never done,
I could make you realize that I really deserve you.
And you know,
I’m a believer in love and a victim of loss.
I’ve experienced being treated unfairly
And have treated you so at cost.
Though I have to take blame for all my mistakes
I promise that I would not have done so
If it weren’t for all the pain I was forced to take.
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
This is a really pleasent poem and it truely makes you think about past relationships! I was talking to my friend next to me while reading it, and it totally relates to his current situation!
The poem runs well, yet your punctuation is left up for doubt. Did you make it like that on purpose, or did you un-intently make it so?
The line:
The 'But you doubt like a scientist' part, doesn't sound very well written. It seems to much like your trying to hard to get a simile in there. That may not be the case, but, it's just seems that way
Nova!
Hi,
The opening stanza is really lovely; the sound is great and it flows beautifully. It really drew me in as a reader.
I'd change the second stanza as "facial shape" is awkward, the second line is too long, and the third is a bit dull.
I'd change the last two stanzas and instead of telling the reader what you mean and feel directly, try representing it through imagery.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Yeah, I'm more of a lyrics person, I don't really do punctuation enough
I can fix that up right now. I wasn't really thinking of it too much!
Thank you!
~IGMW
Very well written and good words, but I do not totally understand your punctuation. Maybe it's just because I am more of a novelist and not much of a poet... The thing I don't understand the most is the fact that you have two periods; one in the top stanza (that's what they are called, right? XD), when it seems like there will be a pattern of "comma, comma, period" in the next lines, which there isn't, and one randomly place in the bottom stanza... :/ Maybe I'm thinking so far into this, haha.