I wish I were a boat sailing towards your glorious sea.
You'd be waiting there with open arms to greet me.
Oh, throw your arms around me!
Open up your ports and keep me!
I wish I were a plane helping to project your incandescent light,
I'd be some spiritual body representing your infinite might.
Oh Angels and Heavens collide into this glorious beauty of sight!
Turn around and greet me with your wings held up high
I wish I could sing you softly into dreams
I'd crossover into that world with you if you would let me
And we could share wonderful lies just for one night
But you say that something in my voice doesn't make you feel right
There were others before me, you have made that clear
People you've met and missed, lovers still held dear
"Nothing would ever come of them" from your mouth to my ears
So why do you still have trouble sleeping without them near?
Is it because you miss them or am I not enough?
I wish I could be psychic and call all of your bluffs
Is everything really over now, or are we just the same
As the days when we were children without worry, without blame?
Years have passed, friends and more have come and left
There are still some sweet memories in which I don't feel bereft
Of love, and hope that things might turn out well
Praying to God that what we have doesn't turn to hell
But God has long since died and so I'm left in this cold,
A prolonged winter that's been italicized and bold
Still I wish I were some boat sailing towards your glorious sea
But the water would close up and ice surround me
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I agree, this was really pretty. You certainly do Have Your Words (pardon the pun), and you sure know how to use them. Bittersweet, and that's how I like my poetry. Nice work, and please keep writing! You have lots of talent, and you know how to use it.
--Dreamy
Hey there!
*Likes* <- for brilliance of language
I love these kind of poems. They're packed with vivid imagery and beautiful language. You've truly captivated me and it was one of the best reads of poetry I've experienced in ages. It was truly BRILLIANT.
Personally I think to improve the effect you should think a little about conveying meaning as opposed to a rhyme scheme, although I really did enjoy the fluency and pace of this.
My favourite line was this:
However, I'd think it would sound better as this:
Anyway, lovely, lovely poetry!
Keep up the writing.
Ben.
Thanks for the comments, Amy, Silented, and Kamas!
Kamas: I understand the cliche of the poem, but when I write it's usually spur of the moment. I am currently having trouble coming up with any interesting ideas off the top of my head
I've been thinking out more ideas for more interesting stories lately, but it's difficult for me.
Amy: Yeah, in retrospect I'm starting to wish that I hadn't been so worried about rhyme scheme. I'm not really used to poetry... I don't feel the same freedom that I do with songwriting. When I write poetry it feels like I'm bound by certain rules and structures. I need to break out of that. And... I'm not much of a hopeful person, which is why it ended up breaking so quickly XD
And also I notice that in most relationships I see with my friends, everything is just suddenly broken up within the span of a few hours. I think I might have had that in my head during the sudden transition... I really don't remember at this point.
Silented: Yeah, I wish I thought of using the Sirens -_- Oh well. It's just another idea to use if I ever do another writing with sea imagery :] Thank you!
~IveGotMyWords
Hey there!
I second Kammie here, your language was nice. Your rhyme scheme I also don't have much of a problem with, which is cool because I see a lot of forced rhymes hanging around at the moment.
In addition, I like the metaphor. I do. You've pulled off this poem quite nicely in a culmination of a good vocabulary, a solid rhyme and a whole lot of flair. What I do wish is that, like people have said, you kept the meaning more consistent throughout. I feel a bit bugged that the speaker suddenly gives up, when I was actually enjoying the hopefulness there.
But that's all I've got. Nice one!
~Amy
Hi there, welcome to YWS.
The deteriorating extended metaphor you did was well presented but unoriginal. Love to Death, yup, not very original. It's just the idea itself that is cliche, so apply this to the next poem you write and try to be more creative with the story behind your words.
Though I must congratulate you on your colourful language. It was enjoyable.
Keep writing poetry.
Kamas
I like how it transitions from "Ohhh I love you in these ways" to "What the hell am I to you". Like the repeated metaphore that also changes at the end. Nice =]. It would have been perfect if yo used the sirean thing that lured sailorsto their death (with the sea metaphorthing) It would have made some good imagery with this.
I have no real complaints. Nice job.
Keep writing and good luck.
Silented1.
Hey, reviewing again!
I like how you tell the whole story, there's a progression from the rush of wanting someone for the first time to actually getting them and the deterioration of those feelings. I love the imagery in the beginning of the poem, I think it would help the cohesiveness of the poem if you were more consistent with it for the rest of the stanzas, or if there were some transition out of it. (Maybe the comma between "missed, lovers" should be a semi-colon?). The line "A prolonged winter that's been italicized and bold" is wonderful, my favorite line actually.
Great job, can't wait to read more! =]
Hey Words!
Okay, this is going to be a really general review, so yay?
For the first two stanzas, you have a really hopeful tone that makes it sound like the narrator is wanting to come into the other person and that the meeting is completely new, but by the third stanza, it seems like the two people know each other really well so the tone seems completely off. Then, as you describe the relationship further, the beginning seems more off. So you might considering making the poem more consistent, if that makes sense.
Good luck, and welcome to YWS!