My hand drifts instinctively to my cheekbone. A bruise is starting to form already, the left half of my face puffy, my eye swollen shut.
I look down at my arms, where more bruises have appeared. They're nasty yellow and green bruises that cover my forearms and biceps.
Biting my bottom lip, I roll down the sleeves of my jacket and flip up the hood. I pick up my backpack and trot downstairs.
Looking around, the house is empty as far as I can see. I'm guessing my brother Zack is off working some odd job, and Robin and Tess are at school. My dad's probably off at some bar or passed out on some chicks couch. My mom... well who knows where she is. Grabbing a water bottle and a banana, I head out the door. It takes me about twenty minutes to get to school, and by then I'm completely soaked from the icy sheets of rain. Checking my phone, it is only 7:20, meaning I still have ten minutes till class starts. I walk to my locker and unlock it.
I set my unneeded books into my locker, then start to pull out my science book when someone slams the locker door shut. The person grabs my hood and yanks me back so I'm facing them.
“Hey, Austin. What happened to your face? Your Daddy go crazy again?” Ryan Lane, the school bully, says in fake sympathy.
I struggle against his strong grip, but he only tightens his fingers around my wrist.
I hesitate before saying, “Hey Ryan! How are you?”
“Well I'm doing fine and mighty. How are you?”
I push my brown hair out of my face. “Swell.”
“Good, good.”
He just stares at me for awhile, his lips pursed.
“Can I help you with something?” I ask.
“No.”
“Can I go then?” I ask, adjusting my backpack.
“I don't know, can you?” Lane snaps.
I wiggle my fingers around, but my muscles are spasmy and shaking.
“Just stop trying. You're too weak.”
I take a shaky breath, then start to say something real intelligent.
Before I can form the words on my lips, Ryan shoves his hands on my chest, pushing me into the lockers. My head hits hard, and I slide to the ground, my vision turning blurry.
I hear footsteps and Ryan nudges my leg with his foot. “What's wrong Parks? Can't get up?”
I take a deep breath and force myself to my feet, but not to fight. I calmly brush myself off, pick up my backpack and start walking towards my classroom.
Ryan grabs my arm. “Where do you think you're going?”
I turn sharply on him. “To class, Ryan.”
He smirks. “You're staying right here 'till I'm done with you.”
I fold my arms in a sassy way, trying to look intimating. No such luck. The bully pulls his fist back and socks me in the mouth.
The taste of blood greets me immediately as I stumble back from the blow.
“Hey! Hey! What on God's Green Earth is goin' on here?” The school monitor yells, slurring his R’s.
Ryan puts on a innocent face. “I dunno Mr. Morrison. I was just asking my good friend Austin here what happened to his face.”
Rolling my eyes ever so slightly, I mumble a few words, then make my way to class, sliding into my seat and resting my head in my arms.
“Alright class!” Mr Ling chirps, clapping his hands together in an annoyingly cheerful attitude.“Today we are learning about cells! Isn't that just fabulous!?”
I let my head flop back, groaning inwardly.
He blabs for awhile. I try to listen, but his high, squeaky voice is giving me a headache.
“Mr. Parks, do
you know the answer?”
“Huh??” I mumble.
“The answer that Miss Lily so wondrously pondered aloud.”
My eye twitches a little. “I-uh-”
Mr Ling cups his hands around his mouth and whispers, “it's on the board.”
Squinting, I try to read the board. “I-i can't read it” I mumble. Ironic
“Well then, I suggest you get some eye-glasses, hmm???”
“Yeah.” I mumble, ignoring the snickers. I stretch my fingers across the desk and exhale, hoping the day will go quickly. Unfortunately, it's the exact opposite. A forty-five minute class feels like three hours, and by the time it's lunch, my eyelids are drooping and my brain exploding.
Shouldering my backpack, I head to the cafeteria, walking over to the empty table in the back of the room. I people watch for awhile, then getting annoyed of that, I let my forehead rest on the table, wrapping my arms around my head.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
It was a really good story I look forward to following. It almost feels like you're writing about yourself, I'm getting that vibe anyways. I hope you continue the story, it's really good and has potential behind it. If it is your life story literally that's better as a story, even though it's bad as a reality. True stories are always the most powerful and best stories written. Also being the most inspiring.
Also wanted to say welcome to YWS hope you enjoy the site.
Thank you!! And I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I enjoy your picture too, a cat in 3D glasses that's adorable.
From reading this, I'm assuming it's only an excerpt from your story. I think this is a pretty strong start to what you're getting at, and it gives you a lot of room for growth, as well as development.
Although I really like your story, I noticed a few mistakes. There is use of malapropism in your story. When Austin is, "fighting," Ryan, you used the word, "intimating," but by use of context clues, I think you meant to use the word, "intimidating."
Aside from this slight mistake, I've picked up on the nonchalant personality Austin appears to have. He mumbles a lot, doesn't seem to argue, and appears to brush the craptastic moments of his life off. Of course I haven't seen how he reacts when in a traumatic situation, but from reading this excerpt, that's what I've picked up on.
So, I understand he is supposed to mumble quite often, but there's a bit of an overuse of the word. It's perfectly okay to use a word a couple of times, as you have, but you may want to use the word, "again," when you're saying you mumbled for the second time in the classroom.
Also, wouldn't Austin need to rush to class after the commotion in the hallway, since he only had ten minutes to get to class? I know this isn't a big deal, but I noticed it was a bit unrealistic he made it to class on time when he dealt with a confrontation previously.
Other than those few things, I would like to point out what I really liked about your writing as well. As a fellow writer, I know when writing in the present tense, it is easy to slip up (at least for me). You do a great job of being constant in the present tense.
I also liked the way the dialogue was worked into the story. I always, always, always seem to notice grammatical mistakes when writers (particularly on this website, but also on others) are quoting characters, but I didn't notice any. The only, "mistake," I noticed wasn't even a mistake. It was one of those, "You get to choose how you do it," like whether you use oxford commas or not. I think I'll keep this one to myself, though, since it is your writing and everyone has their own style, and I actually REALLY like yours!
Now, back to how the dialogue worked into the story. I've also noticed myself, and others, struggling with incorporating dialogue into writing. You do a fabulous job of slipping it in; it seems quite natural. In other words: it doesn't appear to be forced. Dialogue seems forced so often, but yours flows into the story. This is probably what I like most about your writing.
You also do a nice job of bringing your characters to life. If they're already so alive in this excerpt, then I can't imagine how vibrant they become throughout the full story. It's not easy to present such rounded character so quickly; I applaud you for that.
Having had said everything I have, I really enjoyed reading this, as well as writing the review over it. I hope you push onward with this story, and I hope I get the chance to read more of it.
(Please let me know if I crossed ANY lines with this review. I'm a bit new to the site, and I don't want to cross any boundaries. I'm attempting to give people the advice I would hope to receive, but I really do want to know if I should have held back on some of the things I've said.)
Hello!
First and foremost, thank you so much for the advice! And likewise, this is my first day on this site! Thank you again!!!
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
A school bully would have plenty of time even if it was only ten minutes. School bullies are usually slackers with bad grades from a lack of intelligence. If he is a bully he would have bad grades or make a nerd do his work, and more than likely be late for classes.
Kevin, I think you may have missed what I was trying to say. I meant, how would Austin get to class on time? The commotion in the hallway was probably about ten minutes long, but he only had ten minutes to class. Maybe Ryan didn't care to get to class, but Austin seems to care enough to at least get to class.