"Flight A2217 will now be taking off please fasten your seat belts and enjoy your flight to Rei De Janeiro." Said the intercom. This was going to be a regular flight. So I thought.
Chapter 1
Around 30 minutes into the flight this flight attendant small around in her 50s comes and ask me if I could give up my seats for the elderly couple behind. Now here is the problem with this. I was riding in front row seats with my sis and I didn't want to give them up but I was like there an elderly couple. So I just look at my sis and sorta shrug and not 2 seconds after the attendant goes "Do you even speak English" I looked at her and replied with-
"All passengers please fasten seat belts we are encountering some turbulence." Interrupted the pilot
The plane began to shake and I looked out of the window to see the wings flapping like a bird. Then I looked back at the attendant but she had walked away. The plane started to turn. I was curious as to what was happening. Then I saw out of the window. a storm. As we were turning I saw a bolt jolt down and strike an engine. It immediately tore the wing off. It was stronger than most lighting. The plane started to spiral and face downwards into the jungle of Brazil. I knew I was either going to die, or wish I did. The plane was twirling I look at my sister and tell her I love her she says so back. The plane comes into contact with the ground sliding across the jungle and finally hits a tree jolting me forwards and knocking my sister out the tree aims downwards and splits in half I sit hanging, looking down at the ground. Were stuck in a tree. I hear a woosh sound and a sudden pain in my left arm I look and see an ax launched into it. I grab it with my right and pull out. That's when I was knocked out. I woke up late that night staring down not feeling to good lost a lot of blood. I shake my sister. I regret knowing her fate. I couldn't seem to find a way out. My best and only option was to pray and unbuckle. I put my right arm on the back of the seat. And I unbuckle with my left. I start hanging from the ground with my seat. I pull myself on top of the seat and assess the damage. I can see one other survivor on the ground crawiling stuggling. I take a carry on fill of cloths and build a makeshift rope for the 20 foot drop and apply it to a knob located on the end of my chair. I climb down, carfully. I land on the ground. Its covered in green, woods all over. I turn and run to the survivor. They seem to have been eaten bitten by something. Bleeding and missing and eye they look at me in pure horror. They point behind me. I turn around and see a humanoid like creature towering over me with large teeth grinning with blood driping down. One thought. Just one thought crosses my mind. Run. I turn and I was to slow. The creature grabs me and yanks me backwards throwing me onto a tree. I see a hole small enough for me to fit in. I jump right inside and crawl to the very back. The creature grabs my leg and tosses me out of the tree. I spot the ax that was loged into my arm. I jump to it and turn around fastly and I chop the creatures head off. I fall backwards. I felt very tired and in a lot of pain.
I turned to the tree where the man had lied. He was dead. I sat up and looked at my arm and leg. I needed to get them bandaged up. They were badly hurt. I take the axe and cut the cloth used for my rope. I tie it around my arm. I walked over to the tree were I hid. I took the creature and stuffed him inside. I walk around the forest to get an idea of where civilization, water, food, and the other necesities could be found. I walk towards a small tree with the carvings ٍعر ّفس إخف سشبث
I couldn't make out what they were. I just continued to walk fowards. To move on. I had a small bag. My axe, pocket knife, and some small amounts of clothing batterys, lighter and a flashlight. I set up camp towards 2 trees leaning on each other right beside a creek. It had a cave with an end so I set a fire there. The trees I put all my food in. All i had were chocolate bar and about 4 things of oatmeal bars. I knew I would run out quick. I fall asleep to the sound of the running creek, owls, and a howling of some creature I have never heard. I knew this was going to be a long night.
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140,104 Literary Works • 673,009 Reviews
Hi, ItWasntMe! regismare here to review this chapter!
The title drew me in immediately! I just grabbed me because it was so unusual. So, good job!
I like the action and good pace in this story. It kept me interested throughout the entire thing. You jump right into the action, which I really love, and you have a level-headed main character who's both sarcastic and resourceful and great to read about.
One thing I would recommend changing is the sentence structure here. It's not very varied. most of these are just simple sentences strung together, and it makes it seem more like a list than a story. It's tedious to read and a little off-putting. I'd also recommend having a stronger emotional connection to the characters in this piece - we know very little about their inner workings and so we, the readers, find it hard to bond with them and care about them and understand them. Additionally, this piece is lacking in descriptions and literary devices which would enrich the setting - what is the setting, by the way? You mention Rio, so I imagine a transit flight over South America and assume they crash over the rainforest filled with jaguars and river dolphins, but that's just what my mind jumped to. More context would be good, too - why are your characters on the flight? Where did they come from? What do they intend to do upon arrival at Rio? The usual.
Now, for the nitpicks:
This is a really effective way to introduce. It drew me right in, and it also gave me a little insight to the main character, which is good. I'd recommend the so I thought to be on a different line for more impact.
Usually, numbers are written in their word form.
This whole thing feels a little incomplete. It gets across the personality of your main character quite well, but it fails to set up the scene properly (what does the setting feel like? Is the plane shifting? Is your main character afraid of flying? How does it smell? What do any of the characters look like? ect.) or describe anything or get to know the characters. Why should I care about any of this? There was a really strong hook at the beginning, but now it's just tapering off and I'm not really sure whether or not to care about these characters.
The full stop should be a comma, and the I (<--- wow that was fun to code) should be a lower case letter.
So, your main character sees this. What's their emotional response? Their physical ones? Where's the adrenaline, the paling face? Where's the wash of panic? Someone seeing this would react very differently.
Try to avoid using then - it makes prose seem more like a list than a literary work.
Curious? Most people I know would be in the throes of terror in this situation.
More description here would be good. You tell, rather than show. You also say saw too much, which can be left out because we assume it's him who's seeing. Describe the story - what does it look like, what kinds of feelings does it inspire in your main character? What toes the lightning bolt look like? What does the thunder feel and sound like? How does he knew it was stronger than most lightning?
This is my favourite line. It's so cool, and I get to know the main character even more. I love how sarcastic and snarky they are.
You have so much potential for heart-wrenching stuff here! Show the shouting and the strained voices, the fear and the hopelessness of the situation. Show the sounds and the feelings of the G-forces on the passengers, the main character's attitude to death, ect. Rather than making it so brief, you could get us so attached to your characters and make us cry for them.
Where did the axe come from? Aircraft regulations forbid carrying axes or any other weapons.
I don't know how much you know about plane crashes, but luckily for you, I know far, far too much about them :p So, let's go: When planes loose their wings, they free-fall, perhaps nose-first like you've written here. Good so far. Then, they pick up speed because this is tonnes of metal, flesh, and fuel plummeting through the atmosphere (fun, right?) toward the ground. If the fall is from cruising altitude (anything from 28,000 feet to about 46,000 feet) and with a wide-body jet (anything a320/b737 and bigger) then the plane may even begin to break up if it exceeds its speed limit. Then, it hits the ground. There won't be any sliding on the ground and fall being broken by trees in this situation - there are no wings. If there's still fuel left (and because this happened 30 minutes into a flight, there still would be), the plane explodes - but the wings are missing, so the explosion may not be as big as an intact plane would be. If there's not, it just hits the ground and there's a big impact. Because it fell in the rainforest, trees would be flattened and the plane would shatter and break up. So, yeah.
All of this paragraph is like a synopsis rather than a part of prose. What happened to descriptions and feelings? We get nothing on how your main character is feeling. Plane crash survivors often go into shock and start to function on autopilot - no pun intended -, and then become overwhelmed with emotions later on. Also, how is he treating his wounds? How did he get food? How is did he find his sister? Not to sound too morbid, but the impact of a crash like that wouldn't have left much intact - human bodies and foodstuffs alike.
This is good, but we need more! mooooooorrreeeeeee! More description please.
[/quote]One thought. Just one thought crosses my mind. Run.[/quote]
This is a nice touch : )
It should be quickly.
The rainforest is an extremely hostile environment. The vegetation is thick and there are animals everywhere that will hurt humans and possibly kill them. Your main character isn't able to do this.
I'm fairly sure this is Arabic. Why is it in a Southern American rainforest? I'm caught between it being unbelievable and it being an interesting big of foreshadowing.
The food would get taken immediately.
People don't do this after a plane crash. They're distraught, disturbed, and terrified. They need immediate help and they'd be affected badly psychologically.
Where is this forest? I first assumed it was a rainforest, but now it seems not to be? Elaboration on the setting would be really good.
This chapter is full of potential and could be a really striking first chapter! I hope my review was helpful to you in some way, and keep writing!
-regismare
Hey! Just going to tell you now that these are all suggestions and things I would do. I am just trying to help you in your writing, but you have no obligation to listen to me
Again these are all suggestions to better your work.
"Said the intercom." I think you can leave this part out. It is pretty clear that it is an intercom so it takes away from the hook of the story.
"Around 30 minutes into the flight this flight attendant small around in her 50s comes and ask me if I could give up my seats for the elderly couple behind. Now here is the problem with this. I was riding in front row seats with my sis and I didn't want to give them up but I was like there an elderly couple. So I just look at my sis and sorta shrug..." You are missing a lot of commas like after "into the flight," and "this flight attendant, small, around her 50's", take out the in and add the apostrophe for 50's. "Now here is the problem with this." You could put : instead, or ; just so it flows better. Make sure to spell out sister and change sorta to sort of. It makes the work casually formal. Last thing, "but I was like there an elderly couple." It is actually they're.
"Do you even speak English" add a question mark after.
" 'All passengers please fasten seat belts we are encountering some turbulence.' Interrupted the pilot" Add a period at the end, and a comma between belts and we. Also, you don't need to capitalize interrupted. I would also change the wording to say the pilot interrupted.
"Then I saw out of the window. a storm." Putting a period here is a common grammatical error that I myself make sometimes. To make it better, I think you should change it to something like "Outside my window, Mother Nature answered my question. A storm was approaching from the distance."
"As we were turning I saw a bolt jolt down and strike an engine." This is the beginning of an intense scene, just add a comma between turning and I.
"The plane started to spiral and face downwards into the jungle of Brazil." I would better word this to say "The plane started to spiral nose-down at alarming speeds into the jungle of Brazil."
"The plane was twirling I look at my sister and tell her I love her she says so back." !!! Sentence fragment, be careful. Separate with punctuation between twirling and I look.
"The plane comes into contact with the ground sliding across the jungle and finally hits a tree jolting me forwards and knocking my sister out the tree aims downwards and splits in half I sit hanging, looking down at the ground." Another very long sentence. Don't be afraid to add periods. It might add to the intensity. Also, add a comma between ground and sliding and maybe change it to say "the jungle until it finally hits a tree, jolting me forwards and knocking my sister out. The tree falls over and splits in half. I sit there hanging on to my seat, looking down at the ground." Just a suggestion.
"Were stuck in a tree." We're, not were.
"I hear a woosh sound and a sudden pain in my left arm I look and see an ax launched into it." Yet another run-on, be careful. Period or something after arm. Also, instead of launched maybe change it to etched. Maybe even italicize woosh to add to the effect.
"I grab it with my right and pull out." You may want to add hand.
"I woke up late that night staring down not feeling to good lost a lot of blood." This sentence was extremely awkward and confusing to read. I would put something like "I woke up later that night, still staring down. I was not feeling too good, and I could tell I had lost a lot of blood."
"I put my right arm on the back of the seat. And I unbuckle with my left." Instead of making "and I unbuckle with my left" a new sentence, just replace the period with a comma.
"I start hanging from the ground with my seat." This is kind of strange... how does one hang from the ground?
"I can see one other survivor on the ground crawiling stuggling." Grammar... "I can see one other survivor on the ground, crawling, struggling."
"I take a carry on fill of cloths and build a makeshift rope for the 20 foot drop and apply it to a knob located on the end of my chair." This is a lot of information in one sentence. Maybe sseparate when he is tying to grabbing the carry-on. Don't forget to hyphenate it too. Also, a typo with cloths instead of clothes and fill instead of filled so "I take a carry-on filled with clothes..." instead.
"I climb down, carfully." No comma needed.
"Its covered in green, woods all over." It's, not its.
"They seem to have been eaten bitten by something." Eaten, or bitten?
"Bleeding and missing and eye they look at me in pure horror." Gory, nasty, ew, but good job. Except that it doesn't make much sense. Did you mean "Bleeding and missing an eye, they look at me in pure horror."?
"I turn around and see a humanoid like creature towering over me with large teeth grinning with blood driping down." I will only slightly alter this and say that maybe you should change it to "I turn around and see a humanoid like creature towering over me with a large, grinning set of sharp teeth and blood dripping down its chin." (Dripping has 2 p's)
"I turn and I was to slow." Too, not to, and maybe replace the and with but.
"I spot the ax that was loged into my arm." Lodged, not loged.
"I jump to it and turn around fastly and I chop the creatures head off." Fastly is sadly not a word. Maybe quickly?
"I turned to the tree where the man had lied." Lay, not lied. He did not tell him any lies.
"I take the axe and cut the cloth used for my rope." Axe is the deodorant, ax is what you mean
"I walk around the forest to get an idea of where civilization, water, food, and the other necesities could be found." Necesities should be spelled necessities.
"I couldn't make out what they were. I just continued to walk fowards." Forward, not fowards I think you meant.
"To move on." This isn't a complete sentence.
"My axe, pocket knife, and some small amounts of clothing batterys, lighter and a flashlight." Again the ax is here too. Also, batteries, not batterys.
"The trees I put all my food in. All i had were chocolate bar and about 4 things of oatmeal bars." I would reword this to say "I stored the food in the trees. All I had was a chocolate bar and about 4 packages of oatmeal bars." Last thing, you forgot to capitalize that I.
All in all, this is a very good story. There are just some grammatical errors that need fixing, but it is simple and not a big deal. I will say that towards the end your sentences were very choppy, and the crash actually seemed kind of rushed. Maybe you could add some more details to it like the panic of the character and the other passengers. I'm sure that the plane was not quiet as it went down. Maybe you could also make the survivor the elderly person sitting behind the character, just so that the part is not - no offense but - useless in the rest of the story. Again, good job. If you every need anything else reviewed, just let me know. I'd be happy to help
Hope this was helpful.
It was thank you very much!