The Gorilla Man

“The Gorilla Man”

By IsaacHunt of YoungWritersSociety

Disclaimer!!!

Blaxploitation Comedy Ahead!!! If offended, do not read!!!

This is a work of fiction and is to be taken for face value. The author who constructed this work is African American himself and is no way or form racist, sexist, xenoist, homophobic, whatever –ist or –ic, and does not support ANY kind of bigotry whatsoever. I made this to be funny, not offensive, but if you are offended by what you read, please don’t read on and forget that this ever existed.

Furthermore, the characters and events depicted in this tale were, are, and never will be real. Anything in real life even being remotely similar to the things in this story are completely coincidence.

Now that that’s out the way, please enjoy.

Dejaniqua (Day-juh-nee-kwah) a.k.a Dejay (or D-Jay), stared at her ceiling unable to sleep, her mind was full of worry that she might be caught being side bitch as she could almost feel the heavy hand of Franklin’s main bitch (Jashalanamareeka (Jah-Shala-Nama-Reeka) a.k.a Jay Shaw (or J-Shaw)) striking her face.

Scared, thinking J-Shaw might be hiding in her room like some type of boogey man or some shit (only her scary ass would think of something stupid like that), she picked up her hand-dandy curling iron and checked under her bed. She saw nothing but old stuffed animals she used to play with, some inexpensive high heels, old clothes, more random shit, and finally, the weed stash her parents still haven’t found yet. (Well, to be fair, they didn't go into her room or her life at all, so she could do whatever she wanted).

The next place she checked was her closet. With one hand on the door knob and the other gripped tightly on the iron, she felt braver then Pedro when he had to sneak ten pounds of cocaine up his ass by airport security. She swung open the door while flailing her iron around like an epileptic and screaming like a mentally handicap monkey in one, quick, finesse move.

Unsurprisingly, she hit nothing but one of her “DGK” shirts that are conveniently hung beside her Love Pink leggings and half way cut shirts. When Dejay was swinging with absolutely no coordination, she hit the wall on the back of her closet causing a loud racket that grabbed the attention of her mother (Creyshaunetta), who at the time was watching “The Bad Girls Club” while on the phone “firing” somebody up on twitter.

“Dejay! What the fuck was that!?”

“Nothing mom! I accidentally fell while twerking.”

“What!”

“I mean accidentally dropped that thun - thun thun.”

“You dropped that what!”

“I mean, you must’ve heard the bass from Beats headphones.”

“Oh…

Well shut that shit down and got to bed!”

Her mother’s response immediately made her salty. “Okay mom!” She hollered back as her response, but soon afterward, she muttered under her breath “bitch.”

Frustrated by her mother finally getting on her ass, she decided to go to sleep, but before she laid down, she opened up her curtains and got on her new and prayed for some new Nike foams and Jordans (or as she calls them “shoes guys are supposed to wear but I wear them anyway because I'm messy as fuck”).

In her bed, finally asleep, the moonlight from her window shined upon her ratchet beauty, but the moonlight wasn't the only thing peeping at her… oh no, little did she know, a sinister villain was watching her sleep as well! (Um… that didn’t come out right).

Anyway, As Dejay dreamed about Drake and Chris Brown (ironic right?) getting a tan together, the death–defying, hang–gliding, train–riding, water–sliding and word–defining Gorilla Man breaks into her room. He was dressed in a cheap, green and yellow, Party City, generic superhero costume that made him look like a crazy, overweight black man trying to be a vigilante.

“Damn that’s a ugly ass thot!” , G–Man said to himself as he broke into her room with a laser pen and some butter. (There was no way his big 3hunna straight-outta-Nigeria pound ass was going through it normally.)

The first thing Gorilla Man did was go through Dejay’s closet to collect her Jays, which were absent because the only shoes she had at the time were some Ugg Boots (so he took those instead). Next he took the one polo sweater she had in the closet, one of her finest weaves she had hanging on a rack, some of her extremely-ripped jeans, her box of basketball wives ear rings, and finally, a poorly hidden bong she had on the floor.

With all the stuff gathered up underneath his arm, it was time for Gorilla Man to swing on out of there (see what I did there, cause ya’ know, monkeys and vines… never mind). But before he left, Gorilla Man performed his “special” move on her – “The Judgment of the Almighty Primate”.

He got on Dejay’s bed, bended over, and slowly pulled down his spandex. His disgusting, locker-room smelling asshole hung in her face.

He released a loud, tuba-like fart.

Instantly, Dejay sprung up from the loud noise of a band instrument and ended up crashing right between Gorilla Man’s cheeks, fully inhaling a smell similar to raw sewage.

Gorilla Man then closed his eyes, sucked in his stomach and took the biggest diarrhea dump he ever took in his life.

Shit exploded all over. It went down her throat all the way to her lungs, all over her face, all over room, all over her bed – basically, imagine a girl lying down in bed with a good sized mountain of 2 creamed dark roast colored shit on top of her chest covering her entire head.

Dejay was dead within 30 to 40 seconds, probably sooner (probably as soon as she inhaled that fart).

Gorilla Man then placed a banana on top of the jaw dropping poo mountain as his artiste signature. He quietly slipped out of her window into the night and once outside he laughed maniacally to himself as he got away from the crime scene (ironically, Dejay’s mom heard this and called the police). All that was left was a dead thot and a huge pile of shit resembling a gigantic ant pile with a spoiled banana on top of it.

The Gorilla Man had struck again…

(I couldn't find this site's guidelines and honestly hesitated submitting this due to the more kid-friendly nature of this place, so if this is too graphic, please tell me and I'll remove it immediatley)