Tenebrae Chapter 1 Part 2

Hello IssacHunt,
Myjaspercat here for your review

So, before I continue onwards, I would like to mention that I haven't read the first part of this chapter. I'm kind of coming in with a fresh mind (if you know what I mean). I apologize now if I end up 'complaining' about something that has either been explained earlier on in the story or that has been explained in a reply to a review. Anyways, now that that is over with, onwards...

1.) "The space vessel Spirit Wind stood in slow hover above the grey cloudy planet." & "The ship was black, sleek, and took on an elongated shape with many curves."
---Ok, so I only have a small thing that I don't personally like with these two quotes. I think they are two plain and telling while also being very descriptive. To try and clear it up, you don't need to describe everything right away. Instead of telling us that the planet is gray and cloudy, it would help a lot better if you showed it to us somehow or add it in gradually. Same goes with the description of the vessel, don't just tell us that it is 'black, sleek, and took on an elongated shape with many curves' show us a different way. Even if you have to tell your reader this information then tell us with 'bigger' words, something that gives your story depth.

2.) "The main concept and design for the craft came by an engineer at UAC quite some time before the cataclysm
---Is this really necessary. Does your reader really need to know this information or did you just put in here because you thought that your reader needed to know this? That is one thing you want to keep in mind while you are writing your story; I this information really needed. In my opinion I don't think that your reader needs to know what the main concept and design came by, it just seems like an info dump. Watch those.

3.) "On the end, rightside of the ship was a large rectangular silver garage. The garage door opened to release a fleet of about sixty or so white shuttles, when they made it to Tenebrae’s sky, a good distance away from the atmosphere, they scattered all over the planet. More people would be coming in due time, but for now they had to cover as much ground as they could. The passengers of one shuttle in particular were in charge of analyzing the strange stone structure. "
---Few things here:
a.) simple grammatical mistake; 'rightside' should be 'right side'
b.) Again, I think that this paragraph holds a lot of info dumps.
c.) I don't really understand fully what is happening here. I think that it would be better if you described it more, you know gave your reader something to actually imagine in there head. I want to say, show don't tell, and I promise I will elaborate more on that latter on.

4.) "Since there was no room to land, the ships protracted prongs to land on, making sure the aliens on the pikes were undamaged for studying"
---Ok, so if there wasn't anything for the ships themselves to land on, then where did the prongs go so they could land. Also I don't think that 'prong' is the right word in this context.

5.) "Leona pulled out a small device and scanned it, causing a red beam to move up and down on it for a second before disappearing."
---Maybe it is just me, but I am pretty sure that your reader could assume what happens when something is being scanned. There is no need for you to describe it.

6.) The next thing has to do with dialogue, it seems fake/ forced. The conversation between Leona and Specter (who are a scientist and a soldier) doesn't seem like the kind of conversation you would imagine. They are one some kind of mission right, so I would expect them to be very professional and like how yizhongt said, I wouldn't expect them to giggle. Make sure you dialect is realistic so it makes the rest of your story realistic and easy to read/follow.

Overall those are the main things I think that could be touched upon because I believe they apply through the entire story. But before I finish, like I promised I want to touch up on show don't tell as well as a few other things...

SHOW DONT TELL: this generally means that you want to write in a way that you reader can imagine easily what is happening instead of directly telling them what is happening.

"Show, don't tell" is the golden rule for a reason--because it is almost always connected to every problem you will find within your own writing, or that someone else finds.

Now, like with all rules, the "Show, don't tell" rule has some flexibility. It has to because if you were to show every single little thing in your work it would be so convoluted. Many of us have read those older works from the 1700's, 1800's, and early 1900's, where things are described in ridiculous detail to the point where you just don't care anymore. The opposite of this is also true. You don't want to simply tell us everything about something either. Have you ever read one of those paragraphs where the author describes the entire history of a chair that has no importance to the story?

So when it comes down to it, what exactly gives this rule flexibility? Often times it's length. In novels it is acceptable to have occasions of telling. In fact some of the best authors do tell all the time in novels. You might not notice it because it doesn't hurt the flow of the story. They've learned how to bend the rule and get away with it. Almost any sentence with "was" or "had" in it is telling, but it's okay to actually use those. You have to be selective in what you tell. If something is very important to a character--perhaps an action that defines the character--you should be showing it to the reader. But if it isn't really important, maybe a bit of character history that otherwise cannot be done with showing, then some telling is okay.

What about short stories? This is where the rule really gets tricky. Can you tell? Yes, but very little or none at all. Short stories do not have the luxury of length and character development as novels. Telling should be kept to a very minimum in short stories, but you can still have a little bit of telling. Again, just be selective.

Lastly I agree with yizhongt and when they said that this seems more like it is being told from a narrator point of view. If that is what you are going for then your fine.

I hope I helped enough and sorry that this is so long ---Good luck and continue writing.-Myjaspercat

Yes, the story finally continues. First of all, I liked reading the story. It was a nice and easy read. I liked the description you gave of the ship and the shuttles landing on the planet's surface. That being said, I found the first three paragraphs contained too much description. It was more of a narration from a narrator's point of view. It would have been great if you could have added some dialogue between the landing party prior to touch down or perhaps even a little dialogue between one of the scientist and the pilot reminding the pilot to not hit any of the spikes. I don't know, perhaps its just my preference.

One more thing, I don't think you want to put a tough space marine type like Specter to giggle. I think chuckled would be a better word than giggle.

Can't wait for the second part of Chapter 1. This is a great start, but perhaps a little more dialogue. Keep up the good work ! Cheers !!