The day is January 15, 2009. Published author and high school freshman Asher Edelson sits at his laptop, and gets ready to start his family history book. Let’s take it back – say about 4,000 years – to the time of the patriarchs. One moment Asher is sitting at a desk in H.B. Plant High School, and the next, a man leans against a palm tree in ancient Mesopotamia. The grandfather of Judaism.
They called him Terah. He was a good man, a crafter. He owned an idol shop in the great Sumerian city of Ur Kasdim. The Babylonian Empire had not taken over Sumer just yet, and the southern Mesopotamian territory prospered. As for the man, Terah, he sold statues of all kinds, shapes, and sizes. An, Ea, Enlil, name the idol, he had it. The man had a family. When his son came, he gave the boy the name Abram. The family lived in Ur for a little while longer, until they migrated up north to the city Haran. There, Abram was to eventually grow into adulthood.
Though Terah was a merchant of idols and believed strongly in the Semitic religions, Abram, his son, did not. One day, the boy walked into his father’s idol shop, and smashed every last idol, except for the largest one. Before Terah returned to the shop, Abram placed the hammer in which he destroyed the idols with in the hand of the remaining sculpture. When Terah walked inside, he gasped and nearly fell over. All of his idols – save the biggest one – were broken or entirely smashed! Terah saw Abram, and demanded an explanation. Unlike his father, who was by now raging, Abram stayed calm and explained to Terah that the biggest idol was responsible for the destruction of the rest.
“Ridiculous! Idols can’t move!” Now quite happy, Abram explained to his father that if these idols are so powerless that they cannot destroy each other, why would he bother worshiping them?
Trying to avoid coming to this conclusion, and also angry about his broken products, Terah stormed out of the shop. Abram just laughed.
Hope you liked this little fraction 
Helpful criticism, please. This is going to be a huge undertake for me, so I could use some motivation!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there Israeli_Camel! I am Winter.
I would like to start by telling you that I enjoyed reading this story very much. But I do have one question: Is this a story from the Torah, or did you create it on your own? I apologize for my ignorance, but I am not very familiar with the Torah.
Ok, on with your critique!
I would replace day with date.
I don't think you need the comma because "gets ready to start his family history book" is not an independent clause.
I think this should be "Let's take it back, say, about 4,000 years to the time of the patriarchs."
Replace the comma with a semicolon.
This might just be me, but I found this sentence very awkward to read. Try "When his son was born, he gave him the name Abram."
Take out the comma in the first sentence. Also, you should either take out "the city" or add "of" before Haran. For the second sentence, I would suggest saying "There, Abram would grow into adulthood" or "There, Abram grew into an adult." The sentence will flow better.
Take out the second and third commas.
Instead of saying "... in which he destroyed the idols..." say "...with which he destroyed..."
Take out the comma.
Overall:
This was well-written. Except for a few surplus commas and awkward sentences, your grammar was great. I liked the story as well.
I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions please PM me!
-Winter
There should be commas before Asher and after Edelson.
"Just" isn't needed in the sentence.
There should be a dash after Enlil, not a comma.
"Little" isn't needed in the sentence.
Rewrite this sentence. It doesn't make sense.
Why would Abram "just laugh" if he knew his father was upset with him?
Overall, the story is good. Keep on writing.
First, let me say I liked it, it was really good. Although, the way you made Abram "just laugh," causes me to think of Abram as a rebellious child, and that's not the way he's depicted in the Torah.
I think it might make it easier to read if you vary sentence lengths. Instead of doing three short sentences, do one short and one long.
I'd like to know a little bit more about Abram, if that were possible.
I don't think I'd be able to do what you're doing. It means that every time the reader gets to know each character, they have to move onto another one. It will be difficult to keep them interested. Difficult, but not impossible.
And I think that's it.