I scream, I yell, I laugh, I cry
I grab my sides as ghosts fly by
Fly by my own tormened heart
My hidden pain, my horcrux part
I weep for joy, my wails they ring
Just a decoy, while dead within
But in the darkest of the night,
I sit up straight, turn on the light
A voice so pure, calls out and sings
My name – within a hope begins
A song within my soul it sounds
A force that breaks and shakes the grounds
Is now within, I've seen the light
I know my troubles, made my plight
Just some more time, I will be strong
Within my heart, this fleeting song
Will guide me trough, show me my way
Until I howl, fall down and pray
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
**puts on Yoda voice** Fragmenting sentence structure you are to make that rhyme.**end Yodification** You have some good ideas and good phrases, but they are oppressed by this idea.that you must make that rhyme, that is the driving force. This also draws attention to uneven line length, in terms of syllables. The stresses of a line are like its heartbeat, you shouldn't hear it so much as feel it. If you are set on your AABB rhyming pattern, I would commit to a structure of syllables too, one kind of for with the other. Pentameter is fun!
Also using enjambment would help to
make the lines flow more freely cause then you
can seem like you are just expressing it
and it just happens to rhyme. I am nit-
picking though, it's good, reminds me of Poe
in its dark unrelenting descent. Though
he was quite rigid with his rhymes, he's shrewd
enough to use it as dramatic mood
enhancer, in "the Raven" the rhyme "-ore"
is inescapable, as the bird for
which it was coined. This has potential and
if this is all too vague to understand
by all means ask me to make it clear.
I hope you post more of your work on here!
Phew, poetry is freaking hard.
Hi, this is really good. Very fast moving and confusing (much like an actual nightmare). The rhymes sounded very natuaral, and I loved the reference to Harry Potter. My only correction is you missed the "h" in "through". Looking forward to reading more of your writing
P.S. Welcome to YWS XD
Sounds very nice, I like the ideas and the way you put them together.