z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

soul catcher

by rainforest


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145 Reviews

Points: 402
Reviews: 145

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Fri May 19, 2017 4:12 pm
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I like how you compared death to a soul catcher and did not paint him as a negative or a positive entity. But I did not like how you kept it so short. I would like to see this expanded and explained more of how death does what they do and if they like doing it etc.

I agree with cytochrome when they say that you don't need the italics when they are already stand alone lines.

Overall, I would recommend some slight editing and expansion before this is a final draft. Legacy.




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Points: 325
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Thu May 18, 2017 1:15 pm
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Cytochrome wrote a review...



Heya!

Since this is such a short poem I'm gonna give it a line by line and an overall conclusion to my feelings on this work. :) (forgive me if I mess up some bb code).

i travel the world as a

The opening line isn't very strong as it doesn't really present a full idea, its a transition to the rest of the idea. Normally I wouldn't even mention it, but because of the italics in the second line:
soul catcher

I feel like your opening line should be rethought. The italics draw my eye already, so i don't really need help getting there, if you know what I mean? I feel like your opening could be reworked or you could lose the italics and still have everything work.

on the infinite conveyor belt

I'm really really loving the contrast between death, a biological process, and machinery jargon. Beautiful! The only issue I have is its very syllable-y and a bit chunky, I think you could rework it and make it smoother but just yes loving it!

the abysmal excavation of
oblivion

Same issue with the first, if I'm being lead to the thought, I don't need the italics to get there. Especially since it's a standalone line. You don't need any extra impact the italics give, your own words do brilliantly!

Overall, really enjoyed the poem! Most of my little not picks were structural, but I would also like to see you expand on the poem, give it a bit more depth, especially with the organic/mechanical contrasts, and really get your ideas across! I wasn't a fan of the note at the end, it kinda ruined the fun of dissecting the poem. Otherwise, brilliant job!





Writing is the geometry of the soul.
— Plato