Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
WARNING:
This story is not suitable for everyone. Hint: This has LGBT, (Boys Love specifically), for those who are not excepting and more conservitive, written all over it. So do not procced after this point if you are not comfortable with that.
Chapter 1
Keagan
He keeps on looking at me. Ever since he walked in, his eyes have been completely fixed on me.
“Guy’s this is Demetri. He’s come all the way from Oregon. No harassing the new kid, understand? Tell me if they bother you. I’ll send their butt straight to the front office, got it?” Mr. Carson asked.
“Yeah.”
“Good. Find an empty set.”
He made his way from in front of the classroom to the seat next to me. Perfect, like I didn’t see that coming. I took a quick glance to the left and studied his face. He seemed awfully calm for a new kid.
“…Are you done observing?”
His voice startled me.
“Oh um…yeah. Sorry.”
“Good, stop looking at me then. You’re starting to creep me out.” He replied.
Me? Creeping him out? Who was the one eyeballing me five minutes ago? This kid is pretty fucking amusing if you ask me. Don’t think I’ll be talking to him much. Something about him already rubs me the wrong way. I’m surprised he caught me though. With all that hair in his face you’d think he wouldn’t. Whatever.
Demetri
This place really isn’t my scene. The teachers all seem like they have sticks shoved up their asses and the kids here are no better either. I guess he caught me looking at him because he decided to look back. Made me pretty uncomfortable. I feel like kind of a douche now for saying what I just said. Didn’t mean to be mean or anything but gosh. Have to be more careful next time. Maybe I should say I’m sorry. It’s been thirty freakin’ minutes already, it’s so awkward and the tension in the air is thick. After all, I’m the one who caused it. He hasn’t looked at me since. Let alone will he say anything to me now.
“I’m sorry.”
Puzzled, he glanced towards me.
“Um, about what?”
“Being a douche. I’m not real good in things that require me to be social.”
“Oh, well its fine. I get it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Word of advice though, you probably wanna use another approach when meeting someone new.”
“Yeah, but then again, It’s not my fault you were being a creeper…”
Suddenly he smirked and turned his gaze back in front of him. It got silently awkward again. What did I say this time? I guess he really did see me looking at him. It’s not my fault he has ‘that face’. You know, the one that just catches you off guard because in a very peculiar way, it’s just perfect. Yeah, that face. He’s quite the opposite of me when it comes right down to appearance. He has shaggy long brown hair, green eyes, dimples, and a nice build, while I’m all fluffy long black hair, hazel eyes, shallow cheeks and slender. He has his own sort of unique style too. I on the other hand look more like a hipster than anything. Kind of makes me wonder where we’ll end up in a month or two. I’ll either love him or hate him.
Keagan
Ever seen the show Saved by The Bell? Well, the bell is about to ring in a minute and I’m ready to get the hell out of here. Not another class but a free period. As soon as the bell rang I made my way out of the classroom. A familiar face was standing at my locker. It was my girlfriend Natalia. Her face lit up as soon as she saw me making my way to her.
“Hey, babe. What’s up?”
Suddenly she frowned.
“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want you to call me that?”
“Right…sorry.” I murmured as I opened my locker.
“So? Not gonna ask me how my day was?” She questioned.
“How was your day?”
“It was pretty good. Thanks for asking. Listen, can we cancel our date on Friday? I forgot I told Jeanne that I was gonna help her study. ” She said with a smile.
Rummaging through my locker I decided to ignore her. This is the fifth fucking time she’s cancelled a date on me since we’ve been going out. So basically we haven’t gone on a date since the first one.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Thanks for being so understanding honey. Love you.”
Irritated I walked away and made my way outside onto the school’s campus. I don’t know what it is but today just hasn’t been my day. Even more annoyed I decided to sit on the bleachers alone and listen to my music.
After a while I managed to clear my head. Suddenly I noticed the new kid was making his way up the bleachers. I took one of my ear buds out as I looked at him making his way towards me.
“Hey.” He said.
“Uh hi…”
“Mind if I hang out here with you?”
“I guess not…”
What does he want?
“Sorry about earlier.”
“Stop apologizing. It’s fine.”
“Can we start over?” He questioned.
“Sure.”
“I’m Demetri. It’s nice to meet you.” He said with a smile as he extended his hand to shake mine.
“I’m Keagan. So what brings you to Michigan? ”
“Family matters.” He said as he looked at the football players on the football field before us.
“Oh. Sorry for asking.”
“It’s okay. So what are you listening to?”
I gave him one of my ear buds so he could listen for himself.
“Ha, you listen to Phoenix too?” He said as he smiled at me.
“Wait, you listen to them?”
“Yup.”
“Never found someone who has. Tried to get my girlfriend to give them a go but you know, she’d rather listen to music that’s ‘in’. ” I replied.
“Ah. Listening to music to fit into the crowd huh? I’m sure she listens to music that isn’t. She just probably never tells anyone. Besides, music is the language or heart of the soul.” He said while sweeping his bangs out of his face.
“Yeah, it is.”
Suddenly the bell for sixth period rang. It kind of surprised me. I didn’t think time would go by that fast. Then again when you’re not paying attention it does.
“So, that’s the bell. Know what you have for this period?” I questioned.
“Yeah, Theater.”
“Well then I guess I can take you. I do too.” I answered as we started making our way down the bleachers.
“You? Theater?”
“Yeah. My girlfriend wanted a class where we could be together.”
“Oh. It’s just that you don’t really seem the type to be interested in stuff like that.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t at first but it’s grown on me.”
Demetri
It looks like my idea to apologize again went well. It seems like him and I have the same taste in music. He also seems like a really cool kid. Not at all like what I expected him to be. I like how he always has surprises in store. It makes me want to get to know him more.
“Keagan, where have you been? It’s not nice to make your girlfriend wait…” A voice said in disappointment.
“I was busy.” He said irritably.
So this is his girlfriend huh? She looks like a Barbie doll. It’s kind of creepy.
“And who is this?” She asked motioning towards me
.
“None of your business.” He answered as he glanced at me and looked back at her.
Relationship problems much? I feel like I’m watching a married couple argue right now. Maybe I should just walk away. Then again I don’t want to appear to be rude. Suddenly she rolled her eyes at me.
“Well, he doesn’t seem to be someone important anyway so whatever. Come sit with me?”
“I promised I’d sit with him so no.” He lied.
“Um…but I’m your girlfriend.”
“And he’s my friend. Bros before hoes.” He said with a smirk.
A faint smile painted its way on my face. Suddenly he motioned me to follow him. We sat at the far right side of the theater all the way in the back. His girlfriend and her friends kept glaring at us from the front section in the middle. Suddenly she sat on some random guy’s lap who appeared to be a jock. Keagan appeared to be calm but I could tell he was annoyed. Quickly I licked his face and covered my face with my hands while peeking through the space between my fingers.
“What the fuck was that?” He said while he chuckled and looked at me in amazement.
“Did it work?”
“Did what work?” He asked with a curious expression.
“It seems like it did.” I said removing my hands from my face while smirking at him.
“You’re so freakin’ weird.” He said laughing.
“I was trying to distract you. You seemed really annoyed.”
“Oh. Well, in a weird way, I feel a little better.”
“Do you now?” I said with a smile.
“Yeah. By the way, do those hurt?” He questioned as he glanced at my lips.
“What? My snake bites?”
“Yeah.”
“It did when I got them but no, not anymore. Why?”
Suddenly his face came in close to mine. As he looked down at my lips I began to turn red. Then he softly began tugging on one of my snake bites with his teeth. After, he switched on to the other one and he looked back up at me.
“That doesn’t hurt at all?” He asked curiously.
“…..No? And you say I’m weird?”
“Yup. You are.” He smirked.
“….You did that on purpose.” I said blushing.
“Bingo.”
His girlfriend looked up at us with anger written all over her face. Keagan just smiled and glanced towards me.
“So what’s up with you guys?” I curiously asked.
“She and I use to be best friends back in middle school. Over the summer in between transitioning into high school I asked her out. All of a sudden she just changed. I was hoping she wasn’t one of those people who would you know? But it happened. So now we’re like this. I love her but I can’t stand her half the time anymore. I don’t know whether to drop her or stay with her. I don’t want to lose her you know?”
For a second I remained silent.
“Have you tried talking to her about how you’re feeling?”
“Yeah I have but she just ignores it or brushes it off.”
“Then maybe you guys should take a break. Maybe then she’ll realize that she needs you and she really loves you.”
“I doubt it.” He said with a frown as he looked at her. “Besides, she seems pretty comfortable on that other dudes lap…”
I grabbed him by his face and turned his gaze towards me.
“Aye, stop being such a sad puppy.” I said with a frown, my hands still remaining on his face.
Suddenly he started tickling me from the sides.
“I’m being a sad puppy?” He said as he was attacking me.
“Yes you are.” I said as I was laughing to death.
Suddenly he stopped and looked at me.
“…What?” I asked.
“I find this very weird. Me being so comfortable with you like this.”
“Now that you mention it, me too. But then again, you’re very easy to get along with.”
“That’s just it. I’m not.”
“Maybe I’m just special.” I replied with a huge grin on my face.
“Oh?” He said as he smiled and started tickling me again.
All of a sudden the bell rang again.
“Time sure does fly by doesn’t it?”
“It seems like it.” He replied.
“By the way, how do you guys do bus call?”
“What’s your bus number?” He asked.
“24.”
“I’ll walk you to it and explain on the way.” He said with a smile.
“What about your girlfriend though?”
“I’m sure she can find her way. Better yet, the guy she was sitting on can probably take her.”
Speaking of the devil, she was making her way to where we were.
“Let’s go.” She commanded.
“I’m walking him.” He answered.
“You know, if you keep this up I’m dumping you. What kind of shit is that? I’m your fucking girlfriend. He’s some nobody. You either walk with me or it’s done. I’m not putting up with your shit anymore.”
“My shit? What the f-”
“Just go.” I interrupted. “It’s okay, I’ll find my way.” I said smiling at him.
“What he said.” She replied.
He looked at me with a semi-frown on his face.
“If you say so. See you tomorrow?” He questioned.
“Of course.”
Suddenly he gave me a hug.
“I really would have rather walked with you instead. Now I have to go with the fire breathing dragon.” He whispered in my ear, making me chuckle.
First day of school and despite all the crap, I can honestly say it was okay.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Right, Inverted Clock. Here's my first review of the day.
Okay, there's some good in here - you've made a grounded start, you've got some good characters, you've set the story up for more - but I'm not going to go into detail on that, because the most important part of the review is how you can improve. I do have quite a few issues with this piece, but I'll try not to be as harsh as the previous reviewer. So here goes:
Firstly, your punctuation and writing style. This is trivial stuff to sort out, but nonetheless important. You missed out commas on several occasions where I would deem them appropriate, and there was this little mishap:
You mean 'guys', no apostrophe is needed. And I'd follow it with a comma, so it reads 'Guys, this is Demetri'. Looks and sounds far smoother.
Also, dialogue:
This conveys a problem that litters the whole piece - you use full stops at the end of dialogue instead of commas. If you are going to follow up a piece of speech with 'he said', 'I said' or 'she said', then you, unless it is a question or benefits an exclamation mark, must always finish it with a comma. And, if I could just mention, I think 'as I was laughing to death' is overkill here. Just saying 'I said, laughing' would be enough.
No matter how you finish the speech, be it comma, question mark or exclamation mark, never capitalise 'he' or 'she' or anything that doesn't naturally begin with a capital letter.
Anyway, moving on from that, there is the far more crucial plot and character development that I want to comment on. I've got three main problems in this area, and they all need a bit of work.
My first issue is with the girlfriend, Natalia. For me, she's just too stereotypical - that kind of Barbie-girl bitch has been used so many times it's like she's a freebie hand-out to every novel writer, and you must resist the temptation to use her. She's not original, she doesn't have anything that separates her from the numerous bitchy girls I've read about in other stories, and so she doesn't stir any new emotions within me. Do something with her; it doesn't have to be much. Maybe she's got deep insecurities? Maybe she's had a troublesome past? Maybe Keagan's not the only victim in the relationship - perhaps he treats her badly as well, only we've not heard her side of the story? I don't know, but at the very least, amend her looks a bit. 'She looked like a Barbie doll' has been used so many times that it's not even funny.
Secondly, there's the way the boys act towards each other. The stuff they do - like how the Demetri licks Keagan's face to 'distract' him - is just not realistic. I don't care how well you're getting on with someone, or how weird that person is, you do not lick someone's face in the middle of a busy classroom. Even if Demetri doesn't care about the potential reaction, Keagan certainly would. Whether he's gay, bi or whatever, schoolboys don't lick each other's faces in public, because they're often terrified of what people will think of them. Nor do they put their teeth around the other's snake bites. They've only known each other half a day.
That leads on to my third problem - you can see what's coming. Obviously, you mentioned before the start that this was going to contain essence of gay or whatever, but even without that I reckon I'd be able to figure out where this story was going. It might just be my trained eye (I'm a crazy fangirl and expert at picking out anything that may allude to gay undertones) but I feel I can see how this is going to play out. Guy meets guy. Guy has girlfriend. Guy hates girlfriend. Guy likes guy. It's not rocket science.
I'm not saying to remove their chemistry, not at all. Keep it, but make it more subtle. Leave it so that we kind of know what's coming but we're not entirely sure how it's going to happen. As in, no face licking. That's too much.
Anyway, that's all I have to say. Hope this helped a little. PM me if you have any questions, I'll be ready to offer advice.
Keep writing!
~Dark
1) Why is one guy being rude to the other guy for no reason? (I don't remember their names because their personalities, and by extension their whole characters, were exactly the same)
2) Why do they start apologizing to each other all over the place following the fact? What changed between the characters that prompted them to apologize? Usually boys are a little too aggressive for apologizing right after dissing somebody in cold blood like that.
3) Is there a reason why the guy with the bitch girlfriend hasn't dumped her yet? I'm not buying it. People do not poison themselves with such awful partners because they like it.
4) Why did the one guy let the other guy close enough to his lip to bite it? Are they both gay?
5) If they are, why was no mention made of this? Why does one of them have a girlfriend if he's gay? Is he bi? Even if they are, why do both of them act so cool about it? Why is literally none of this explored?
6) How is it possible to write so much fucking dialogue that gets across so little?
7) For that fucking matter, what the fuck is with all the fucking swear words all over the fucking place that serve no fucking purpose except to fucking fuck shit fuck?
8 ) What was the point of this, anyway? Characters are not established, conflict is not introduced, the "hot" scenes are not hot, the "angry" scenes are not angry, there's nothing at stake, etc, ..., ..., ...
There's a really good book out there called "How Not to Write a Novel". In it there's a chapter called "Why your job is harder than God's", and it boils down to having to explain every single thing that happens in your story -- and then having it all making sense (as opposed to real-life, where unexpected things can and do happen and they may or may not have an explanation). If you can't do that, don't expect anyone other than your girl-cult to like this crap.
Thanks for the criticism. I didn't think it was THAT bad. Then again when writing, another person can find more faults than you can when it comes to your own work.
Like i said, this is the first chapter out of eight that i currently have. The story started off as being something my friend wanted me to write about. It was for her personal entertainment only so it was quite rushed and i wasn't really into it at first but as the chapters went along, i started to get into. Then come to find out, she's sharing my book all over the place and i developed fan girls so i felt obligated to keep going even though i knew that it wasn't that good.
1) I write whatever comes to mind. I started it that way because i wanted to. Because i felt like it. I have also realized that my characters do seem to have the same personality, i'm trying to work on giving each character their own personality.
2) I realize that. I'm not a boy so trying to understand one is not as easy at it seems.
3).....When did he ever say he liked being poisoned by a crap relationship? Ever loved someone to the point where you couldn't let them go, even if they made you feel like crap? Yes? No? You don't have to buy it but it happens.
4) You're asking me all these questions but it's only the first chapter. I'm not going to unveil anything. There's no fun in that.
5) See #4 .
6) What is there to get across? What are you talking about? What, are you saying that the dialect is so much but amounts to so little? Because it does amount to something. My stories tend to come together like a puzzle piece. I get that things don't make much sense now but they will. Ever heard of being patient?
7) LOL. I want them there. That answer your question? Does cussing ever amount to anything? No, it doesn't. Teens swear like sailors. These are teenage boys, do you expect them not to cuss? I get not all of them do but my characters do. Get over it.
" If you can't do that, don't expect anyone other than your girl-cult to like this crap."
Now wouldn't you say that's a little harsh? But no, you're just being honest aren't you? I know for a fact that i am not the best writer in the world but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try. Maybe i will read that book. Writing is my ticket. I'm glad to know that i seriously need to improve. Thanks for taking your time out of your day to review my work. Very much appreciated.
Heya Clock -- vAx is my new account I made before I remembered the password to this account.
Now that I'm on here, I might as well reply to your reply.
I was a bit moody when I wrote that review, so yes, it turned out to be one of my harsher reviews. However, I still think the points I made are valid. Let's see if I can clear them up...
1) The things you like to write are not necessarily the things others want to read. With you, it's dialogue; with me, it was descriptions. I'd go on and on describing some set piece of my scene, even though in order to advance the plot, the reader only really needed to know that the set piece was THERE; not what colour it was, what texture it was, and what demons it reminded the main character of. That's irrelevant. Same for you and dialogue -- dialogue seems fun to write and imagine in your head, but in practice, 90% of it is idle text that goes nowhere. As a wonderful user, BadNarrator, once told me: good writing is NOT fun. Ah, I was in denial about that statement for so very, very long... but now I realize how true it is.
2) We have a forum here called "Ask an Expert". Surely some people on this site are experts at being boys.
3) Nobody said it, but it was heavily implied. She keeps skipping out on dates with him, she snaps at him in public for something as inconsequential as being called "babe", she says she loves him but she clearly doesn't. And of course I can understand loving somebody so much that you can't let them go no matter what. But once again, that's not explored or even hinted at.
4) I am asking those questions because I cannot, for the love of me, imagine a situation like this just happening in real life. In my mind, a boys-love relationship would develop slowly and uncertainly. Which fits perfectly with your statement that it's just the first chapter. But if it's only the first chapter, why are they already biting each other's lips?...
6) What I mean is that they're discussing inconsequential things that don't advance the plot or the character. Who cares if one of them listens to Phoenix? Sure, you could write it into the story, e.g. "Is that Phoenix? Oh my god, they played this song at my mom's funeral." or something like that. Something to teach us about the characters; something to reveal the situation; something to shed light on an easily missed nuance. "Music is the language or heart of the soul" tells me a grand total of 0 things about anything.
7) If it's a stylistic choice, go for it. It doesn't work for me. I don't mind swearing in general, but when it's used, there had better be a good reason for it. When I was in high school I swore like a sailor, too -- but when I'm writing a story about me in high school, what is swearing going to accomplish other than wasting your time on a few more keystrokes?
You've impressed me with how calm your reply was to a review as harsh as mine. I hope you don't think that I hate your story just for the sake of hating it, and at least consider the points I brought up, if not fix them.
Your servant,
cC