Published June 22, 2011
The soldier boy that lays in bed, deathly still but not dead
his filthy clothes and blooded face, A constant reminder of the War torn place
with hands once still but shaken now, he Grips his Rifle and moves to stand
His cries of War carry through, like shells of mortar Aiming true
his sight is blurred, and eyes are burning
The hills and sights of home he is yearning
But the little soldier boy that Once could see
Now lays still, blind and silently
his lungs no more a breath to take, and angels bid his soul to take
but none so lucky are men of war, with blood soaked knives and minds that tore
but now they sleep, as deep as they fought, in endless silence
But that of war.
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138,117 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey there! Here are some things I want to ask you. I think they'll help you fix up this poem.
What, in one sentence, do you want this poem to say or evoke?
Right now, there's a lot of 'buts' and it leaves the reader wondering what they're supposed to listen to and what they're supposed to trust. We get some images and we listen to you, feeling like you're trying to tell us your message, but then you're kind of wishy-washy about what you want to say to us. If you don't know what to say, just SHOW us what you want to show us and let us feel it out on our own.
My favorite part is:
Because even though the meter is off (and it is throughout most of the poem; I would suggest trying to write this without rhyming, just to see how it goes), the rhyme brings it together. It's not forced at all. It's exactly what should have been said about this. So in this poem, I think that rhyming and meter could work well. They would work, I think, to bring out the sound and feeling of a march rhythm. But you have to make sure that your meter lines up. There's a little bit about meter in this article, but if you have NO idea what I'm talking about when I say meter, I mean the rhythm of the words in sentences, the number of syllables in a line paired with the STRESS that you put on words. If you want a better explanation, PM me and I'll tell you more!
Anyway, yeah, if you could fix the meter and decide what you want this poem to focus on, I think it could turn out really nicely.
Lemme know if you have questions.
Hannah
I really like this poem. It goes really deep and is very emotional. Like the first commenter said about breaking up the lines, I agree that would be good for the affect this poem has. Apart from that, an amazing piece of work.
Thank you, i'm quite new to the whole posting my stuff, so im thankfull for any criticism or tips
WOW i really like this its really good.
I see you're new, so let me welcome you to YWS. Don't take this to personally, I like to find little errors and correct them. I'm also really obsessive over word choice at times.
The first line could should be two lines.
"The soldier boy that lays in bed,
deathly still, but not yet dead."
Adding yet in the second part makes it have more flow.
I noticed that your rhyme scheme and the way you split up your lines is inconsistent. Also, you should break it up into stanzas.
That's all I got for now. You have talent and potential, all you have to do is work on technique.
Keep Writing,
Bel