z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Feline in the Meadow (Revised and Remastered)

by IntelligentQuill


Alone in the thickening meadow lived an elderly man by the name of Peter Hershing. Peter made a living for himself by gathering dry hay and carrying it to town in his makeshift wheel barrel to be twined together in a bouquet by the spinning wheels and sold for a small profit to the locals. He repeated his routine every day at dawn and returned at sunset, then made his way to his moss coated cabin. Peter wasn't well known in town, either. He'd sell his bouquets and head straight home.

Although Peter could supply for himself, he was a bit troubled. Being all alone has taken a toll on him, physically and mentally. For Peter, being alone was like having an empty cup with no way to fill it, but life soon changed for our dear friend, Peter.

Peter woke up on a bright Tuesday morning, brightest he’s seen for a while, and went on with his daily routine like every other day would be. He made himself a bowl of grits, picked dry hay, put it in his wheel barrel, and made his way to town.

After spinning and selling his hay, Peter made his way home. During his hike, he stopped to take a break on a large stone leaned up against a tree. Peter decided he could continue on after he took a short nap, so he did. All of a sudden, a small, high pitched cry woke him up. He looked left and right for the sound, but it seemed to be coming from every direction. Peter walked around his rest stop, searching for the source of the moans, when something caught his eye. In a thorn bush, he spotted two little eyes staring right at him. Moving carefully closer, he realized it was a small kitten that looked to be the size of a small rock with the mother nowhere in sight. Peter maneuvered his hands through the thorns and managed to rescue the kitten, an orange tabby, from further harm. The kitten looked a bit parched, so Peter took the kitten to a nearby stream, scooped some water in his hand, and let the kitten drink from his hand as if it was a bowl. Peter decided there wasn’t time for a nap. He tore off a piece of his robe and made a small bed for the kitten as he pushed his new friend home.

Weeks went by and the kitten grew fast, to his surprise, and soon was able to walk around and outside of the house, chasing everything that moves. He even decided to name the kitten after his favorite type of dry hay, Robin. Since Peter now has a new responsibility, he knows he must have the kitten fed and happy while he was gone, so he left a small bowl of minced meat and water every time he left for town. On a bright morning, Peter left for work, but this time the kitten followed him. “Stay here, you can’t come with me.” he said. The kitten just proceeded to rub up against his legs, purring as if he wanted to join him. With a hesitant sigh, Peter walked to town with the kitten following him.

Reaching the town, the locals took direct interest to the cat and its mother and duckling like behavior. “How did you get that little kitten to follow you?” asked an elderly woman who looked like she’s seen a miracle. “He just followed me today; I’m not sure why.” responded Peter and continued to work on his dry hay. The kitten sat on the ground next to him as he spun each strand of hay through the spinning wheel, swiping at each one that came in his direction. Peter felt comforted by his new friend and the attention it brought. It made him feel special, as if he became the center of attention just by stepping into town. He gently patted the kitten on the head and continued his work.

Peter sold his bouquets and headed out of town with the local children smiling and walking with the cat. “You seemed to have made some new friends.” He said to the kitten as it responded back with a graceful growl. Peter took the kitten home, ate dinner, and went to bed. The kitten, vibrant and energetic, was right next to him at every moment. He even made the kitten its own little spot on the bed it curled up in when it wanted to sleep.

This was Peter’s new routine. He had his best friend following him to work every day and the town happy to see them. Although it’s more work, it made him happy. Peter was able to fill that cup and a little more.


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:57 pm
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Hallo!

So, I liked this, and I think you have a good idea here. However, there are a few things I think could use improvement.

Firstly, the story itself was sort of, as Lauren2010 said, anticlimactic. Not much really happened; there wasn't a problem and a solution, there wasn't conflict or any kind of plot, other than this man finding a cat. There wasn't much character development, other than the man becoming happy because he found a cat. I guess you're trying to show that people are happier when they have friends? That just seems like a kind of unoriginal idea, and your take on it isn't particularly unique.

So I think you should add some sort of conflict to this. Maybe Peter has to do something challenging, and he ends up succeeding because he has the support of the cat? Or maybe he has to save the cat? Or just show how Peter changes because of the cat other than just that he's happier. Something, at least, should happen, or the story isn't really that satisfying to readers. And remember to stay original, to look at the story in a different way than others have before, because the idea itself has been done a lot before.

Also, I would suggest perhaps changing the first part of this. I guess it's part of the style that you tell the story in, but if you could change it, I think it would help the story a lot. Readers like a story to start with something happening; that's what draws them in, as opposed to just talking about Peter. Maybe start with him walking, and then tell the rest slowly in less of an info-dump. That makes the story more interesting, and makes the readers more interested to find out what happens next.

All in all, I liked the piece, and I think it has potential. However, it needs something more to be really good, to make it more interesting to readers.

Anyway, good luck with this!

_Wherethewindgoes




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Sat Jun 15, 2013 10:39 pm



Thanks for the feedback! I think I might remaster this.




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Sat Jun 15, 2013 3:12 pm
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi IntelligentQuill!

This was such a cute little story! I'm such a cat person, and so I appreciated getting to read such a sweet story about a cat and his friend. The way this is told, in the form of a parable or tale, is really interesting to me and I think it holds a lot of opportunities and positive qualities for a story like this. However, I think there are a few ways it might limit the success of this story as well.

The parable format makes this a very telling story. That is, you as the author are telling us most of what is happening, rather than showing us through the language of the story. It's a more passive way of storytelling, and not as exciting for a reader to read. However, there are cases in which it's successful! And often that's when telling and showing are incorporated together. It would also add some length and detail to this story, which I think would work to make it an even better story than it is. Try slowing down a bit and exploring these events, people, and places in fuller scenes and letting the reader really see what is going on!

The only other significant problem I had with this piece was how...anticlimactic it was. Of course every story doesn't have to have an intense action-packed climax, but there's not a whole lot of development over the course of the story and plot. Peter gets a cat, and finds a new friend, but what does that mean for Peter? How is he, or his life, significantly changed by the events that happen to him? We should see some change in him from the start of the story to the end, and it should mean something to us as the reader. Otherwise, why would we be reading about Peter over any other person who could be living this story?

Other than that, you had a few points where you switched tenses which made for awkward sentences, but that's a simple fix that can be done just by reading through the story yourself and tidying those things up! I really enjoyed reading this story, and hope you'll continue to work on it! Thanks for sharing!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-




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Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:42 pm
Sarrasponda wrote a review...



Hello! Was reading your work and thought I should leave some of my humble advice. :P
It's very good, hardly anything to even think about changing.

At the end of your first paragraph lies a sentence like this 'He repeated his routine every day at dawn and returned before the sunsets, then makes his way to his moss coated cabin.'
Half way through this sentence you change your verb tenses, which very much needs changing. There are a few other places in your story that have this same problem but on the whole it seems you are going for past tense.

Everything else is really good, I'd just like to point out that I find this sentence a bit awkward 'Peter took the kitten home, ate dinner, and went to bed, with the kitten that is.'
This just doesn't flow smoothly. Maybe if you did 'Peter took the kitten home, ate dinner, went to bed, and the kitten went with him' or something.

Well, I really enjoyed your story hope you write more! :)






Thanks for the advice! I took a look at the story again and gave it a small buff.




If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison