I like this! You have some beautiful word choice here, and there is a dark sense of mystery throughout the work.
Okay I am going to rip this apart a bit, but take all of this with a grain of salt: it is your piece, so of course, you must stick with your own vision. Most of the critique is little wording things.
I like the idea of this sentence, but the message is interrupted by the amount of “its”:
“It carried no mind of its own, no heartbeat to carry its life support throughout its towering shelves.”
I would change the last part to “life support throughout towering shelves,” because it is already implied that the narrator is talking about that library's towering shelves, and this wording takes out an “its”.
“Although, one could say that the words were the mind of authors, of thoughts and ideas that all shouted into a cohesive chorus waiting to be heard. And one could also say that the shelves, the ladders, the librarians were all the working lifeblood of the place, but that was not the case with this library.”
This next section should be a little more connected with the first part of the paragraph. I understand that you are expressing how one could see the authors as part of what gives library a “heartbeat,” but this connection should be a little more direct. The first time I read this, I was left wondering “although what?” Clarify: connect the author's heartbeat to the one of the library, put this and the following sentence before the previous one, just smooth it out a bit.
And one could also say that the shelves, the ladders, the librarians were all the working lifeblood of the place, but that was not the case with this library.”
I am a big fan of sentences that start with “and,” so props for that. Here is a good reference to the heartbeat you were talking about before with “lifeblood”. Since this sentence is a continuation of the one before—and the one before starts with although—maybe take out the “but”.
“Inside this petite yet tall building”
Petite yet tall? I could see skinny yet tall, or delicate yet tall, but petite yet tall seem inherently difference. Of course, you could have written this as an interesting oxymoron that symbolizes something about the writer or the library that I am missing.
“He is a very old creature now, much more akin to tree bark than a man really, but he is wise, you see”
This is a preference of style, but I would take out the “really,” or put a comma before it, the same way you did with “you see”. I really like the “much more akin to tree bark than a man” bit!
“With the smell of the dusty books as his perfume and the worn out carpet on his bare feet, it is an easy conclusion that he is definitely a different kind of man.”
I am really nitpicking here, but I would say “under his bare feet.” I would also take out the “definitely” for flow. The “it is an easy conclusion that he is definitely a different kind of man” would be better at the end of the paragraph.
"Then, of course, he quickly comes scurrying back to his so called “home” which he finds most dear."
Nix the of course, you don't need it.
"It is here that, even with all of the voices screamed and all of the thoughts calling, it was here that he could become mindless, finding himself."
Take out the second “it was here.” I like how you associated mindlessness with finding himself: I instinctual associate mindlessness with loosing oneself, but he is “a different kind of man,” so he lives by different rules. Good stuff.
"Writer’s are curious creatures."
No apostrophe.
Now I want to know more! What is the big leap he is going to take? It would be nice if you did another installment.
Keep writing!!
-Chelsea
Points: 115
Reviews: 2
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