Daughter of the living God

I really like the theme of this piece! The first few sentences are my favorite. The imagery is great! I think this works well as a short piece. However, the last few sentences were a bit hard to understand, and could flow better. The very last sentence is beautiful!

kbmcgregor3, hello friendie! Tell @nightcrawler I said hi!

Titles are confusing. Many mistake it as trivial, never needing a capitalization or any attention. Those people are-wait for it-wrong. They're all very crazy, weird, and unwonted. To avoid angry notifications by me, capitalize the title and make it well. In another virtual galaxy, lives an error. "Millennium" is spelled wrong, and you should fix it, changing your eye on the small things like capitalization and spelling.

"...that had burned for a millinium..."

I would like this a little longer, no doubt. I think it would flow better; I was disappointed by the lack of paragraphs. I liked this, though, and I think you should keep writing. Your pieces are great, just some nitpicks are the only errors I have ever seen. Follow your dreams, you might become an author someday!

-wisegirl22

I definitely like your theme. Temptation isn't written about a lot. Your idea for this is great, and your descriptions really drive home the nature of the "malicious words." A couple of suggestions: First, as I think someone already noted, your third sentence is a little repetitive. "majestically finger her hair, entwining ... curly golden hair."

I'm not sure what you mean by "For a second it was becoming." Do you mean she thought his offers were good? Do you mean the temptation gave her a thrill? If you could describe this a little more clearly, that would be helpful.

I would also put a comma in here, after "out": "...fling the lingering words out and far, far away from her." Without a comma there, I read "out and far" and stop, then notice "far away," and the flow is a little confusing.

Just one spelling typo: "millinium" should be "millennium."

In your dependent clause "before an ember of anger ... covered it," the subject of the clause ("an ember") is really far away from the verb ("covered"), which leads to some confusion. Maybe rearrange the sentence so that the subject and verb are closer together, such as, "before an ember of anger covered it, an ember that had burned for a millennium, since the beginning of time itself." That's not a really good example of how you could change it; there are probably better ways; but hopefully you see what I mean.

Your second to last sentence is a little long. Maybe divide it into a couple of sentences. Also, the phrasing of "proffered hand of light, it warming at her touch, and filling her..." is a little awkward. First, if you change nothing else, I would remove the second comma between "touch" & "and filling," because those are part of the same clause (which has two verbs, but one subject, "it.")

Lastly (I promise this is it), your last sentence is a fragment. I understand that you're connecting from the last sentence, so the sentence makes sense, and it's fine that way. However, I think your ending would be stronger if you made the last sentence a sentence. Maybe just get rid of "as," for example: "He who holds the universe in his hands now held her in his arms of grace, for ever and ever."

These are all minor nitpicks, really. (I'm just a very picky person. Don't worry; I do this to everyone. People in school ask me to look over their papers and edit them. When they get the paper back, they are shocked at the amount of red ink over their paper and the notes and questions I ask.)

Overall, this is excellent! Great job! I really like it!

This is really amazing. I've never read anything about temptation that I wanted to read again and again but here I am reading this for the third time. I like how it showed that it's human nature to get tempted but how we should have the strength of God to ignore it. Makes me wish I could be that good at saying no. I just have to say this, in the last sentence shouldn't the word "his" and "he" be capitalized because you are speaking about God? I guess it's fine I was just always taught to capitalize the first letter because it is a name for God. This is really good and inspiring though. Good luck with your writing and welcome to YWS I'm new too.

Good piece.

The one thing I would fix is the redundancy in the first paragraph. It reads somewhat like a run-on sentence. Also, "They curl in the air and majestically finger her hair, entwining themselves in the strands of her curly golden hair, flowing down to the ends and then springing back up to her ear, every so often emphasizing themselves in an over glorified manner" You have already mentioned the word hair, either break it up or find something to switch it around.

Not a huge fan of religious work, but this was pretty good. Keep the writing going!

Hey there, kbmcgregor3!

First, thank you for the mention. That was very kind. ^-^
Second, what an awesome work! I loved the imagery you put to play here. It makes me want to paint the darkness being chased away by the light of our loving Father! Praise God.
I think you have a great idea here. The only thing I would fix would be that the last sentence is pretty long. If you cut it in half, it will still be just as meaningful, and not be a run-on.
Other than that, I think this was awesome. I have always adored the idea of us being children of God, sons and daughters, in a personal relationship with him.
I also liked how you mentioned having pity on the Devil. I suppose that we are to love our enemies, and even though we know he will never turn to God, we do know that our way is right, and should pity him for missing out on that. That was a very interesting point. I never thought of that.
As I said, the imagery was great here. It was very poetic and made me think of sparks and butterflies and other fun imagination-y things. I feel you could expand on this, but then again, the shortness leaves more impact, in my opinion.
I love the song of praise we sing during the fight that we know we will win. Thank you for this!

Keep writing, God bless you.

~Night