Shadowland Chronicles : Chapter 1

Okay, so there were two things I almost immediately noticed about this story. First, it is really long. Consider breaking your chapters into smaller parts so that they are not as intimidating for us reviewers. You'll find you will get more reviews that way. Secondly, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. I suggest you read this article. It should be helpful. Now let's get onto the fun part. My corrections are in red.


I ventured into the shadow-lands for the first time in almost a year, curious to see what madness had taken place in my absence. I was a bit unnerved so I placed the hood of my long, black cloak over my head so that it covered my eyes. As I walked briskly down the brick path through an empty city, the only sounds I heard were the clicking of my high-heeled boots on the ground and the cawing of ravens in the distance. There were never many shadowen among the streets, but I’d never seen Alterath so empty before. It almost looked as if the city of Alterath had been deserted, or rather, evacuated. However, I couldn’t understand the reasoning for any necessary evacuation.

I had personally vanquished Lord Zenox of Baulteroux and imprisoned Prince Kairuto of Emmenia with bindings protected by celestial powers that could not be broken or reversed. I kept walking with my head slightly hung, puzzled by the desertion of the once mighty city. Suddenly, I heard the distinct sound of a person, or being of sorts, running. As I quickly lifted my head, I caught a glimpse of a woman chasing after a member of the Tsin-Tu vampire clan. I ran after her, shouting and screaming, “Wait! Stop!” but she kept running. I continued to follow her through a maze of back-alleys until she’d stopped, cornering the vampire in a dead-end against a cement wall.

I hid behind a dumpster and listened as she interrogated her “victim” persistently. “Who are you!? Why are you here!? What business do you have in Alterath?! Who sent you?!” she screamed, but the man wouldn’t answer. “ANSWER ME DAMN IT!!” she shouted as she slapped the man across his face, but still, he would not speak a single word. I quickly walked over the where she was standing with my hood still covering my eyes. #FF0000 ">This should be a new paragraph. “I’ll handle this,” I said calmly as I walked towards the vampire.

“I believe the woman asked you some questions, I suggest you tell her what she wants to know.”

“And just who the hell are you?! The Queen of Sheba?!” he shouted. It was then that I removed my hood, revealing my identity. The man gasped and stuttered, “I-I’m very s-sorry! P-p-please, forgive m-my rudeness y-your highness!”

He then proceeded to answer the previously asked questions without further hesitation. “My name is Hu Ling, I am a member of the Tsin-Tu vampire clan. Master Li Wong sent me in search of a man named Vincent LeRouge, however, I’ve no clue why.”

“Thank you for you cooperation, Hu Ling. Tell Master Wong that Mr. LeRouge is no longer a citizen of the northern regions of the shadow-lands. You might also add that, if he #FF0000 ">has any business with Mr. LeRouge, that he can come see me!” I replied, calmly but viciously. “I believe, my work here is done. Farewell#FF0000 ">.” #FF0000 ">Some of your dialouge is a bit cliched, watch out for that.

As I began to walk away, the woman grabbed my arm. “Lilyana?” she asked quietly. I stopped, staring ahead wide-eyed and puzzled. #FF0000 ">A new paragraph starts everytime someone new speaks. “Kanna?” I asked as I slowly began turning to face her. When I’d finally turned around to where I was facing her, a smile crept upon my face. #FF0000 ">These two sentences are very redundant. By eliminating that first part, you don't sound like a broken record. It was, in fact, Kanna, my long lost sister and fellow goddess. #FF0000 ">Wow, your long lost sister! Can we see some more emotion from the protagonist? I mean, it is her long lost sister! “It’s been a while hasn’t it, Kanna,” I said, giggling. “what has become of the shadow-lands in my absence? It’s almost as if Alterath has become a ghost town. Maybe I should have returned sooner.”

“I am ‘in the dark’ just as much as you are on that matter, Lily. I’ve been tending to matters of my own. Very time consuming. I’ve not had a chance to visit Alterath until today and upon doing so, I found that no good, dirty…”

“Kanna!” I interrupted, “let’s be as polite as can be, now. There’s really no need for name calling and besides, there are more important situations at hand right now.”

“You’re right,” said Kanna with a heavy sigh, “I LOST MY FAVORITE SET OF THROWING KNIVES! They were a gift from king Shü n-Tao before his untimely death more than two CENTURIES ago! I can’t find them ANYWHERE!” she shouted, panting and out of breath when she’d finished screaming. #FF0000 ">Wow, talk about a sudden subject change. Where in the world did this come from? And what exactly does this bit of information add to your plot? I looked at her with one eyebrow raised and proceeded to shake my head. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “Have you thought to look underneath your sofa my dear, unorganized sister?” I asked calmly. Though my voice was calm, I laughed inside at her shouting.

“Well,” she said, “I haven’t exactly…No.” Kanna hung her head in embarassment and I heard her mumbling under her breath, “Why do you always have to know these things?!” #FF0000 ">New paragraph. I chuckled a bit and replied, “Because you had me hide them there when agent Reese Moore was over for dinner last year. #FF0000 ">Wait, I thought she was your long lost sister, and yet you had dinner just a year ago? That isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. Remember, Kanna? The two of you were discussing the sudden disappearance of Doctor Vespir and the murder of your maid, Rosalie.” #FF0000 ">New paragraph. Kanna hit her forehead with the palm of her hand and said, “God, I’m an idiot!” before throwing me to the ground and screaming, “WATCH OUT!”

#FF0000 ">Okay, so I am going to take a moment here to address your transitions. Yes, dramatic transitions do keep your reader interested, but sometimes you change subject so suddenly the reader is running to catch up with you. And let's make sure that the information you are giving us is absolutely necessary for the plot. This will also help with transitions.

We were under attack. The Void had found us and were hurling what looked like handmade crystal-tipped spears our way. Kanna and I ran for shelter immediately as quickly as possible. #FF0000 ">That sounds really redundant. Decide on either immediately or as quickly as possible. Neither one of us had ever killed a member of the Void and wouldn’t have known how to in the first place. The Void was somewhat of an organization consisting of shadow-like spirits. They had no body, only a pair of piercing red eyes surrounded by a cloak of what appeared to be black noise. And by noise, I mean the silent static that consistently rolls across a television screen when you try to watch channel two with cable.

Kanna and I took refuge in an abandoned building on the south end of Alterath. We waited silently in the dimly lit room for about an hour until we decided it was safe to run to my apartment in Draconius, ten minutes from Alterath to the South. I slowly cracked the door open to make sure we would be able to safely leave the building. Once I was positive that there were no members of the Void around us, I motioned for Kanna and we made a run for it.

When we heard the slightest movement, Kanna and I would hide behind bushes or trees to ensure our safety. #FF0000 ">Can you show this instead of telling us? As soon as we got to Draconius, we began walking. Draconius was the safest city in the shadow-lands, which is why my apartment was located there rather than Alterath or Emmenia. Much to my surprise, Draconius was still inhabited. I’d thought that it would have been deserted like Alterath had been, but I was wrong. #FF0000 ">Why would you think this? If this is where the protagonist lives, she would know about an evacuation. When my sister and I got to my apartment, we began discussing possible reasons why the Void would have attacked us. #FF0000 ">Can you show us this dialouge? It would give us great insight on the history of the Void and also your characters. I explained to Kanna that I felt the evacuation of Alterath could have been caused by attacks by the Void.

“What other hunches do we have to go on, Kanna? I mean, they attacked in broad daylight! I was under the impression that the Void were creatures of the night,” I said, frustrated. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “As was I. Do you think it’s possible that they’re trying to gain power over Alterath? Do they want to rule the city? What the hell is going on here?!” Kanna exclaimed. She had a very good point, but neither of us could answer her questions. We were clueless. I made a pot of tea and grabbed my journals. Kanna and I searched through the pages of every journal I had, looking for anything I’d written about the Void.

Out of thirty journals, the last one was the only journal containing any information whatsoever about the Void. Fortunately for us, all two hundred pages were filled with information that was very useful. #FF0000 ">What type of information? Have the two women discuss their research or have your protagonist read an excerpt from the journal. And if Lily is the one who wrote the journals wouldn't she already know this information? We took a break from our research and drank some tea. Suddenly, my doorbell rang. Kanna and I looked at each other with puzzled expressions on our faces. I set my cup on the table and walked over to the door, looking through the peep-hole only to see Ramiel. I opened the door and quickly got him inside. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “What’s with you, Lily#FF0000 ">? #FF0000 ">You’re rather…” he paused for a moment, “jumpy. Is something wrong? Are you two in trouble? WHOSE ASS DO I GOTTA KICK NOW?!” he shouted. #FF0000 ">Why do your characters get so emotional so quickly? It makes them seem very bipolar. If that is what you're going for, then you're doing a good job. But if you don't want your protagonist to be surrounded by a bunch of crazies, maybe tone it down a bit.

“Calm yourself, Ramiel! We were just attacked by the Void. They were in Alterath and they attacked in broad daylight.” I replied. Ramiel looked at me with a blank face, blinked his eyes and asked me if I knew why. I told him that Kanna and I thought they might be trying to overtake Alterath and gain control of the city. I also told him that Alterath had been deserted. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “What?! Are you sure?! Why would they attack you?! Are you sure it’s just Alterath they’re after?! What are you going to do?!” he asked. #FF0000 ">Don't tell us about a conversation. Show us the dialouge, please.

“We’re not sure of anything just yet. Can you get us some information? Anything helps.” Kanna replied. Ramiel nodded his head and left. Kanna and I finished our tea and got back to researching our own information. Hours had gone by and still, no word from Ramiel. Kanna had fallen asleep on my sofa and I sat in my study with a dim light on, drinking tea and getting more and more worried about Ramiel and the safety of not only him, but of myself and my sister as well. I thought of many different possible ways to vanquish the Void, but none of them would have been successful.

Another hour had gone by and just as I was going to attempt to get some rest, Ramiel knocked on the door. I quickly rushed to the door and let him in, then I woke Kanna. “What did you find out?” I asked Ramiel. He looked at me and sighed as he hung his head. I knew then that what he was about to tell us was nothing short of bad news.

“The Void are trying to overtake Alterath. They attacked the city and ran all of it’s citizens out to make room for themselves. They’ve got plans to form some sort of army to attempt to kill you and Kanna.”

“Well that’s just great!” Kanna said sarcastically, “how do WE kill THEM?!”

“Ah yes, about that…you’re going to need a lot of rest and a lot more liquid mercury and diamond dust.”

“DIAMOND DUST?!?!” Kanna shouted, “where the hell are we going to get that?! OR liquid mercury?!?!”

“From my basement,” I said, “I’ve got them both, but what do we do with them, Ramiel?”

“I’ll combine the two and put the mixture into my silver bullet casings, you two load your pistols with them and aim to kill.” he replied. I trusted he knew what he was doing so I left him to his work. Kanna went back to sleep on the couch and I went to bed myself. Just as I had gotten into bed, Ramiel knocked on my bedroom door and asked if he could have a word with me. “Come in Ramiel, I’m decent.” I said.

"It’s going to take me anywhere from a week to two weeks to prepare the ammunition and ready your weapons. I’m building new guns for both you and Kanna to use in battle. This will give you time to prepare yourselves. Remember, Lily, anything can happen between now and then, especially during battle. Nobody who has fought against the Void has ever survived, but I have faith in the two of you,” said Ramiel, sincerely.

“Why don’t you get some rest#FF0000 ">? There’s a spare room by the kitchen that nobody uses. #FF0000 ">Wait, so your long lost sister is sleeping on the couch, but this dude gets a comfy bed? The bed has clean sheets and blankets on it and it’s already made. I’ll have Kairi make us all breakfast in the morning and we can discuss this further over coffee.” I said to Ramiel. He nodded his head and left my room. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. That morning, I did just as I’d said I would. #FF0000 ">Show this, don't tell! Kairi and I had breakfast on the table before Ramiel or Kanna had woken, complete with wheat toast and miniature blueberry muffins. Shortly after Kairi had made both coffee and tea, Kanna and Ramiel came staggering into the kitchen.

“You two look like a couple of zombies! Here, sit down and have some breakfast. When your brains are fully functional, we can discuss our situation.” I said as I laughed. The look on Kanna’s face was one that couldn’t be described in words, while Ramiel’s hair was sticking out in every which direction. “So, how did you two sleep last night?” I asked. They both groaned and proceeded to sip their drinks. Apparently not well, judging by their reaction to my question. Kairi served our breakfast and Ramiel began stuffing his mouth with food.

“Geez, Ramiel! Slow down, you’re going to choke! Remember, CHEW and SWALLOW!” Kanna shouted. I giggled under my breath. After Ramiel had swallowed what was in his mouth, Kanna reach over and slapped him in the back of his head. “Now slow down! You act as if you haven’t eaten in days,” she said, her voice a bit calmer than before, “and QUIT STARING AT KAIRI WITH GOO-GOO EYES YOU PERV! She’s too young for you! Friggin’ sick bastard!” shouted Kanna. #FF0000 ">Other than making Kanna sound like she has anger issues and Ramiel is a pedaphile, how does this affect your story? Is this adding anything at all to your plot?

I looked over at my sister and then at Ramiel and told them to quit fighting and eat their food. After breakfast, I helped Kairi clear the table and asked Ramiel and Kanna to meet me in my study when they finished their drinks. I sat in my study with my journal on the #FF0000 ">Void and began planning an attack. Shortly after, Ramiel came to join me, followed by Kanna.

“Ramiel, Kanna, your actions at the table during breakfast may have been hilarious, but I’ll have no such actions taking place at MY table. Now, Ramiel, about the weapons.” I said calmly.

“Yes, the weapons. I’m building a whole new type of fully-automatic, hand held weapon which I’m calling the ‘D6 Static Silencer’. The clips will each hold a total of one thousand bullets. The ammunition will be pre-loaded into all of five-hundred clips. I would assume that the Void will be scattered throughout the city, as well as along the path from Draconius to Alterath, traveling in groups of three or four.”

“But…” I began. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “You will each have two D6 Static Silencers and will be carrying the clips in mythrill bags. The weapons are very powerful and the ammunition even more powerful,” he interrupted, “I’ve ordered special armor for you to protect you against any weapon or magic they use against you. The ‘Diamond-Mercury’ bullets have been designed to explode upon impact with static or black-noise of any sort. They will also kill were-wolves, vampires, and demons, so the Static Silencers will be useful even after this battle. I know you can do this, I have faith in you both.” he said.

While Ramiel’s speech was very touching and inspirational, #FF0000 ">(How can it be? All he talked about were the guns!) there wasn’t much time to spare. I thanked Ramiel and asked him to resume his work. Meanwhile, Kanna an#FF0000 ">d I grabbed our coats and went into town. My first priority while in town was to get some groceries. Kanna and I went to Mung’s Grocery where we bought various breads, vegetables, meats, etc. As we were walking down the freezer aisle, searching for mini-pizzas, we saw our friend and ally, Hecuba. She walked over to us and asked if we were going to the club tonight. “No, we can’t make it, I’m sorry. We’ve got a battle to prepare for, again, I apologize.” I said, sincerely.

“Well in that case, screw the club! I’m helping you!” Hecuba said excitedly. She was the Queen of Necromancers and always ready and willing to fight. I told Hecuba to meet Kanna and I at my apartment at night fall. She agreed and we resumed our shopping. Kanna and I went to the register and paid for the groceries in our shopping cart. Our next stop was the local pub. We were looking for a man named Aileha Rossman. He specialized in clothing and accessories such as hand bags and belts. Kanna walked into the pub first, I followed. She knew Mr. Rossman better than I did and was more familiar with his work. We walked over to the counter and sat down on the old, wooden bar stools. I ordered an apple martini and Kanna scoped out the bar from her seat. “How do we know he’ll be here, Kanna? It’s eleven fifty-five in the morning!” I said, a bit worried. The bartender brought me my drink and I laid the money I owed on the counter. “Well you shouldn’t talk, you’re drinking a damn martini!” said Kanna, looking at me with my drink raised to my mouth.

I set my drink down and pushed it aside. “He’ll be here at exactly twelve o’clock,” she said, looking over at the door. Five minutes later, at exactly twelve o’clock, a short, slender man with grey hair, a beard and mustache walked through the door. #FF0000 ">Watch your redundancies. Kanna and I got up and walked towards him. “Mr. Rossman, my name is Kanna, I’m not sure if you remember me, but I have an inquiry about your work.” she said. Aileha looked at Kanna for a moment, a bit puzzled. #FF0000 ">Why is he puzzled? New paragraph here. Finally he said, “Ah! Kanna! My best customer! What is it that I can do for you today?”

“I need two, medium sized, mythrill hand bags and two leather belts each with two gun holsters and two separate holsters for extra ammunition clips.”

“Well now, sounds like there’s going to be some serious fighting going on. I’ll have them ready for you in a week, how does that sound?”

“Great! What do I owe you for them?”

“They’re free, anything else you need, just call me.” #FF0000 ">Really? How convienent. Lily just happens to have diamond dust and liquid mercury. They just happen to run into the Queen of Necromancers at the grocery store. Now this guy is giving away free equipment. Fantasy stories are supposed to stretch our imagination, but they still have to have a sense of reality to them.

Mr. Rossman handed Kanna his business card and we left. Kanna and I went back to my apartment and waited for Ramiel to come upstairs. I made a fresh pot of tea and some sandwhiches. Ramiel came into the kitchen with a sketch of the D6 Static Silencers and a pre-loaded ammunition clip. The three of us ate our lunch and had a cup of hot Jasmine tea. Afterwards, Ramiel when back downstairs and resumed his work while Kanna and I did some more research on the Void, occasionally taking a break to have some tea. Five hours later, at night fall, Hecuba knocked on my apartment door. I let her in and made yet another pot of tea. Kanna informed Hecuba of our situation, the attack, and the evacuation of Alterath while I was in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, I called Kairi over to make us all dinner. I returned to my study to join in the conversation between Kanna and Hecuba. We decided to meet up again in a week and five days to plan our attack against the Void. Hecuba went down to the basement and told Ramiel to come upstairs for dinner. During our meal, I asked Ramiel to make two more D6 Static Silencers and told him the amount of ammunition needed would not be affected. Ramiel agreed to make the extra weapons and said that he would also order another suit of armor. After dinner, we said goodbye to Hecuba and Kanna called Mr. Rossman to order another Mythrill hand bag and leather belt. I helped Kairi clear the table and paid her for the days work. Ramiel, Kanna and I went to bed early to catch up on some much needed rest. For the next four days, Kanna and I took a break from our research and lent a helping hand to Ramiel. We went into town to buy the necessary tools and materials that Ramiel would be using to build our weapons and design the ammunition cartridges. #FF0000 ">It seems to me that there is a lot of unecessary information in here. Most of it is just repeating what we already know or giving us information that most readers would just assume. Re-read your piece and determine what is absolutely necessary for the story.

The weapons were being made from titanium steel with midnight blue colored designs, hand painted onto the weapons. They were then coated with Teflon to protect them from weather damages as well as to seal the paint so that it wouldn’t chip. Three more days had gone by and I received a phone call from the armory in town saying that the armor Ramiel had ordered was ready to be picked up. Ramiel had just finished loading the five hundred ammunition clips and had also built two of the Static Silencers and was starting on the other four weapons. Kanna and I went into town to pick up our armor. On the way back to my apartment, we stopped by Mr. Rossman’s shop to say hello.

“Mr. Rossman, good to see you again. Anything new in stock?”

“Well hello, Kanna! As a matter of fact, I’ve got three Mythrill hand bags and three leather belts with gun and ammunition holsters.”

“Mr. Rossman, I’d really like to pay you for these.”

“Now, Kanna, I’ve already told you there’s no charge. You’ve spent more money in this store than any of my other customers. Please, I insist, they’re free of charge.”

“Okay, I’ll just buy something else from you then!”

Kanna grabbed my arm and told me to pick an outfit or jacket of my liking. I didn’t argue, there was no use. Kanna was one person I never argued with, even if I knew she was wrong. I grabbed a knee length, leather coat from the rack. It was black with two silver dragons on the back. Kanna picked out a pair of pants and a red, long-sleeved cotton shirt. We walked up to the counter and Kanna paid for our clothing. We said goodbye to Mr. Rossman and left for home. When we got back to my apartment, Ramiel had finished another weapon and had just started on the fourth D6 Static Silencer.

“Kanna and I picked up the armor and our accessories in town already, how much longer for the guns?”

“About three days, maybe two and they’ll be finished.”

“Okay, well I guess I’d better call Hecuba so we can plan this out a little better.”

“You do that! Oh, can you make some tea?”

“Yes, I can. I’ll do that while I call Hecuba over.”

“Thanks! Okay then, back to work!”

I put our shopping bags on my bed and went into the kitchen to make a pot of tea. While making the tea, I called Hecuba and asked her to come over right away. She agreed and told me she’d be at my door in an hour. I hung up the phone and finished making the tea. When it was done, I had Kairi take#FF0000 ">n some down to Ramiel and I went into my study. I cleared off my table and laid out some blank paper and a pen. An hour later, Hecuba knocked on my door. I invited her in and we sat in my study, along with Kanna, discussing our attack. We agreed that we would stick together rather than splitting up for safety reasons. Kanna suggested that we conceal our armor with our cloaks. Hecuba and I both agreed with Kanna’s suggestion, none of us wanted the Void to know that we were the ones walking towards them. For the next three days, Hecuba stayed at my apartment. Kanna slept in my bed and Hecuba on the sofa in my room. I slept on the sofa in the front room and Ramiel stayed in the spare room.

Every morning over the course of those three days, we would wake up and, after breakfast, would sit down and revise our strategies and make any necessary changes. Ramiel finished the weapons in two days and on the third day, we all sat around my apartment and relaxed. We went to bed early and slept until noon on the day of the attack. Kanna, Hecuba and I put on our armor and belts, put our weapons in their holsters and the extra ammunition clips in theirs. The rest of the ammunition was split up between the three of us and put into out Mythrill hand bags. Hecuba had bought us all special boots called Cloud walkers. They were designed so that you could walk anywhere and not make a sound. We ate what I would call "Brunch" and left for Alterath.

Your plot line is strong and it is a great idea. However, your story does need some work. I feel as if you just sat down and started writing. It doesn't feel like there was any planning put into this. I suggest you sit down and do some brainstorming. Here's a few tips:

#FF0000 ">Timeline: Make a timeline of events that you want to occur in your story. Start with major events and then fill in with some minor events.

#FF0000 ">Characters: Your characters have names, but little else. Sit down and develop them a bit more. What do they look like? How old are they? What are their likes and dislikes? Do they have any habits? How do they know each other? Take time on this, since your characters are very important to your story.

#FF0000 ">Setting: This is another thing you need to develop. What does Lily's apartment look like? Make sure that when you are describing a scene that you use all five senses. What is the temperature? What does it smell like? What sounds can you hear in this place? What tastes does this place evoke? Make us feel like we are there.

Like I said, the plot is there and it is a strong idea. I think this would make a marvelous story. Hopefully, my critique wasn't too harsh. If you need help with any of this feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to help. Keep writing!

this is just a draft, there are most likely some spelling and gramatical errors as well as punctuational errors, however I'm still not finished with the book I have three other chapters and am working on a fifth....Will be revising when finished and uploading to a completely different website...however, I would like opinions on the storyline itself