Beat me down with your hateful words
Crush my heart with your immaturity
Break me again with your violent personality
Hurt me more with your insecurity
I'll still be here in the end
I see the way you look at other girls
The way you used to look at me
But it passed long ago
Your love faded into the night
You left me in the cold, to suffer, to die
Never thinking twice, every time you hurt me
Everytime you told me, "I don't love you anymore"
I died in my soul, I died in my heart
One more time is all it would take
One more scream to make me feel
More insignificant than you already make me feel
Every time you talk to me
All I'm hearing is screaming and yelling
Telling me I'm not good enough for you
But there was a time when you said
You'd never hurt me like others have before
You promised me that you would never
Make me cry, make me wish that I would die
And never breathe again
What happened to your loving words?
You broke all your empty promises
The ones you said you'd never break
Look what you've done
You broke them anyways
Do you feel better now?
Now that I'm broken and confused?
Do you feel like a man? Like you're better than me now?
You're no different from the rest
I once thought you were, but I see the truth now
The truth that was hidden so deep behind
All those beautiful lies, the breathtaking emptiness
Of your sweet promises
I just want you to know
That what you're doing now doesn't hurt
I've finally hurt enough
I can't possibly hurt any more
But you can try all you want to
I want you to try, because in the end
It still wont hurt me
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i have to agree with Liz about this. And just a word of advice, if people have taken the time to read your work its good for them to leave a crit if its good or bad, any feedback you should take onboard, otherwise people may not want to read your stuff atall!
Meevs
x
thank you for ur advice, however I am going to ask that if u dont like it, please dont read it....the minute u decide you dont like it, please just stop reading and dont bother commenting. thank you!
okay, for one this is too overloaded. you've weighed it down with heavy words that suffocate the poem. words like "hateful", "violent personality", "breathtaking emptiness", they need room to breathe. use them sparingly.
i also feel like i've heard his scenario again and again. i've no doubt that you feel it uniquely, so write it in a fresh way that makes the reader sit up and listen. it'll be more powerful that way.
this would be a lot stronger if it was more condensed. you drag out what you want to say until it feels very repetitive.