Young Writers Society

Yeah, so I don't know how I can thank you for that huge effot Bubbles, so I guess I'll start by saying... thanks? I've edited most of the stuff that you said, but I left my plane scene in there, just because it's one of my favourites. I got rid of a bunch of stuff, and the final word count is around 2850, so it should qualify.

So, thanks for the help everyone. I'm going to submit it to the competition after work tomorrow, so... wish me luck.

OK, here's the second half. Enjoy

Stop, the rational side of him demanded. He's fine, but he is up the mountain. Did you really expect cell phone reception up there? You know better than that.

No, but, but - the unstable side of him gibbered. It stopped, knowing it had no firm argument. And even though it lay dormant, Mark sided with the voice - rationality did not make the smallest difference to it, or him.

Mark stood, staring out the window while his class looked on. "Uh, sir?" a boy named Alan Waters said.

"What? Oh, sorry. What were we talking about?"

"You were explaining the difference between puns and irony." The boy squirmed in his seat. "Sort of."

"Oh, of course," Mark said, and smiled wanly. "Well, irony tends more towards the sarcastic side of humour, while puns are more... more-"

His gaze was drawn out the window once again, to where he could see his car parked. He ached to get in and go straight to the airport, to find Shaun, or peace; whichever came first. Either way, the mountain called. It was irresistible.

Slow down a minute there...how did we get inside? I thought he was calling Shaun from the parking lot? **flails** Tell us how he got inside the class, purlease. Also – love the part about the voice. Might be better if you integrate those sentences a bit more though, to keep the word count down. Also – more details about the “dizzy spell” needed! What is this mysterious psychic connexion between the cousins? No need to tell us the name of the boy, as it’s irrelevant. Or the girl, at first. Love those last two lines XD

"Are you sure you're alright?" This time it was a girl, Catherine Major.

"Sure, Cathy." She started in her seat. He had never once called her Cathy, not once. "I've just got a call to answer."

Mark walked from the classroom, his face a mask of neutrality. The car was still humming when he came to it; he realised that he had never turned it off. As he clambered into the driver's side, he became aware of the eyes upon him. Rewarded with a keen eyesight he had never had before, the students of his class became crystal clear to him. Every one of them was standing at the window. The confusion was clear in their eyes, and it rose a faint smile to his lips. He watched them for a few seconds, and then drove away.

“a mask of neutrality” might be better as just “a mask” or “neutral”. One implies the other, if you ask me. Also – “it brought a faint smile to his lips” (not “rose”).

"Where are you heading to when we land? If you don't mind me asking." The pretty blonde stewardess cocked her head and smiled at him while she poured his drink.

He stared at her, but didn't see her, only through her. The stewardess took a small step back, disconcerted by his blank stare. Her smile wavered, but she struggled to maintain it. "The mountain," he said, in an equally detached voice, and turned. The stewardess put the drink down in the meal tray's hole, trying to disguise her distress. Orange juice splashed from both sides of the glass and Mark turned his attention to watching it sway. His attention was not diverted, even when the stewardess stumbled backwards in her eagerness to escape his company.

I’m confused by this section. In your first paragraph, you refer to the mountain as “this mountain.” Is that a specific or a general “this”? That is, are they there (“it is this mountain here that the story is about”) or is he being vague (“this/some mountain in Timbucktoo has candyfloss trees growing on it”)? It needs to be clearer, as I didn’t expect a plane journey to be necessary, LOL. Perhaps “this mountain in Scotland” would make it more specific? I don’t actually think this section is necessary, but that’s just me.

The mountain wasn't the sort of place you could take a taxi to. It was an hour long hike from a small town, and two hours drive before that. His brain was already succumbing to the jet lag, as he hadn't been afforded the luxury of a days sleep in a ritzy hotel like Shaun. Closure wasn't the sort of thing that could wait for rest.

The mountain towered above him, the summit invisible from where he stood. Cold emanated from it, and Mark wondered if a certain malice also filled the air. Even as he courted the idea, he began the trek upwards.

Hadn’t he better know that Shaun is dead, or at least missing – before it becomes “closure”? A better word might be friendship, or discovery, or anxiety, or...something else, LOL. How long has passed since his dizzy spell? What does this make him think/feel? What is going on inside his head, other than the idea of malice? I don’t think “courted” is a good word. It reads better simply as “He began to trek upwards” as we still have the unspoken idea of “in spite of himself”.

His bones quickly began to feel brittle, and he realised with a mild shock that he had no snow clothes on; just his jeans, and a jersey with a long sleeved shirt underneath. He shivered, and shrank into himself for warmth, drawing his arms tightly around himself. In spite of that, he continued onwards, focusing on the sight of his breath billowing in front of him like a dragon's smoke. He let it mesmerise him, letting only the long tongue of breath occupy his mind as he trudged onwards.

No snow clothes?! What is he, suicidal?!...oh wait…yeah…

Mark had no measure of how cold it was, but he knew that it was colder than he had ever been, and he was only halfway up the mountain, if that. The cold was forgotten, when a sudden terror stole over him, and he stopped, looking around. His heart leaped into his throat and he moaned, feeling a mist of terror settle over him. Breathing seemed to echo around him, but he couldn't see where it came from. He could hear footsteps, but they were the same as the breathing; echoing all around him so that the source was concealed.

People moan a lot in this story. Just thought I should mention that

Eventually, Mark saw something. He put his hand over his eyes to protect them, and looked far below him. A man loped towards him, but what Mark saw couldn't be right. He balled his hands into fists and wiped his eyes with them, before looking to the beast again. It looked to be over ten feet tall, and was racing straight towards him, arms outstretched towards him.

Mark tried to scream, but all that emerged was a deep, throaty moan. He swayed with the bitter winds, and his feet threatened to collapse underneath him. The strength finally flowed through them, and he began to run, towards the summit. What can I do once I get up there? Mark thought wildly. I'll only be trapped! He seemed to run within a supernatural speed, and the summit rushed towards him.

Why/how does he get his strength back? Need more info there.

He soon stood atop it, surrounded by the same view that Shaun had appreciated not long before. Yet Mark couldn't enjoy it in the least. The beast seemed to be gone, but a depression that had been looming all day found him, helped by the terror inflicted upon him by the beast, and tears squeezed from his eyes. They made a glistening trail down his face, and quickly froze. He didn't wipe them away.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw a figure walking towards him. It came closer, and Mark stood still, waiting for death. The fact that there was nowhere he could run, even if he felt able, brought him some peace, or at least comfort. But he didn't feel terror clamping its bony fingers around his heart, and it soon become clear why. The figure threw its hood back, and Mark gaped.

"Shaun!" he called. "God, I thought you were dead! Quick, we have to get out of here. There's someone - something else up here." He cocked his head when he saw that Shaun's arm was bent at an awkward angle, obviously broken. Yet Shaun wasn't showing any signs of pain.

“Cried” is a better word than called.

Shaun smiled, and shook his head. "I can't leave now, couldn't if I wanted to, Mark. The Grey Man wouldn't take it well."

"But. . . what do you mean? Of course you can. If you feel too tired, just take my hand. We'll help each other down." Mark outstretched his arm, and smiled at his cousin.

Isnt he beginning to get suspicious about the broken-but-not-broken arm by now?

Shaun walked closer to Mark, until they stood side by side. "Why don't we lie down? I'm sure you're as tired as I am. So tired." Shaun walked around Mark, forcing him to turn slowly.

Creeeeeepy! **hides**

Seriously though, find another word for “walked”. Preferably a creepier one. How about stalked? Stalked is nice...

Mark only stared. "Do you not understand? We have to go right now!" Shaun took his hand, and Mark felt a wave of fatigue wash over him. He swayed, and Shaun steadied him. "Actually, maybe we should rest for a few minutes," Mark said, and giggled. Shaun let go of his hand, and he felt into the snow.

Fell, not felt. He's staring while he's turning? Or they've stopped turning? Or what? "Do you not understand" may be a bit wordy.

Shaun stood over him for a moment, and then pulled off his gloves. He bent to pick up a handful of snow with one hand and used them to cover Mark's feet, working upwards. Mark gradually lost the feeling in his legs, but didn't care anymore. He was still light headed from Shaun's grasp. "What - what are you doing? Mark muttered.

Shaun picks up handfuls of snow without gloves on?! Jeez, he really must be…dead, lol. If Mark doesn’t care, why does he ask what Shaun’s doing?

Shaun smiled. "I'm saving you. If you're gone before the Grey Man gets here, he won't be able to take you. You'll be free."

"No" Shaun said, beginning to wake from his daze. "I don't want to! Let me go!"

**coughs** MARK…

Shaun bared his teeth, and grabbed Mark by his collar, lifting him by it. "You think I wanted to go?" he yelled into Mark's face. "I wasn't ready either, but now I'm trapped, and it's even worse than death." Mark stared at Shaun's hands, and noticed that while they weren't transparent, they were something close to it.

"No," Mark moaned from deep in his throat.

"I'm sorry," Shaun whispered, and covered his face with a last handful of snow. Mark could see no more.

Oy. That is one creepy story. I like the moan here, but earlier I think it could be … exchanged for another word

Overall, I thought this was fascinating. It could have done with more length and a bit more description, especially of the two main characters, but it was definitely a good read. Remind me that I never want to go mountain climbing!

Hope I helped somewhat, and good luck with the competition!

Cheers,
~bubbles

OK, here's the first part. Yes, there are two parts. Why? Because it's a long story and I talk too much in crits sometimes. Deal with it

Mark sat with his cousin Shaun in a pub, the two of them drinking beer. "I heard a thing on the news last night about this mountain," Mark said. "It's supposed to be the ultimate challenge for any adrenaline junkie." Shaun snorted, and Mark grinned. "Their words, not mine," he amended. But I thought we could have a little bet."
A sparkle came to Shaun's eyes. "A bet? You've got me interested. Tell."

I think this starts a bit abruptly. Perhaps you would be better off going straight to the dialogue, and letting the tags tell us about their surroundings etc.? I’m going to be really irritating a rewrite this whole opening scene, because I’m evil like that, just to show you what I mean:

“I heard a thing on the news last night about this mountain,” Mark said. “It’s supposed to be the ultimate challenge for any adrenaline junkie.”
Shaun, his cousin, snorted into his drink.
“Their words, not mine,” Mark grinned. “But I thought we could have a little bet.”
He paused for a moment, making a show of sipping his beer.
“That is, if you’re interested.”
A sparkle came into Shaun’s eyes. “A bet? Sure I’m interested. Tell.”

You see? I think it could be a lot more...action-directed, if you see what I mean. At the moment, it sounds static – they’re in the pub, drinking beer, having a conversation. But they’re not actually…existing beyond the conversation. Um. You could cut out a lot of words by rearranging the story a bit, so that it’s not just “he said” but how he said it, and where he said it, and what he did while he said it. Builds atmosphere and gives story life, and all that.

Mark watched him, smile fading. "Sure. You go the this mountain, and climb it. If you reach the summit, you can stay doing what you do. But if you can't, you're going to come back, and you're going to come back and begin teaching, like you're supposed to. I didn't help you through college for nothing, you know."

Shaun slumped. "I know. But it's just - normal life is so boring when you leave it to itself. But it's a deal. I'll go, and I'm gonna conquer that mountain. And then when I get back, the drinks are on you. I'm not coming to your world easy."

OK, this is interesting. But it’s a bit confusing. One minute we’re talking about a bet, next minute the terms of the bet indicate some long-lasting conflict between the cousins. If I were you, I’d give the reader a little more of a heads-up before bringing this bit in. Perhaps Mark could dwell on what the terms could be for a while, and give us some internal dialogue in preparation or something? I know you have to keep to a 3000word limit but I think it’s necessary to the continuity of the story (just my 2 cents though lol).

"Sounds good. But make sure you don't break anything. When you can't go on anymore, come right back." He winked, and punched Shaun playfully, and the two of them laughed. But they knew it was serious. Shaun's life hung in the balance of a single bet, and if he lost, he was resigned to a lifetime of teaching. If he comes into the real world, Mark thought, he'll come with a bang. Hell, maybe he'll even make the job fun. Maybe.

And so, two weeks later Shaun was gone. Maybe on his last adventure. Mark had taken him to the airport, had smiled while he waved to Shaun, but had still had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. What if he can't be tamed? What if he isn't meant to be tamed? But Mark didn't call to Shaun; he didn't try to tell him that the bet was off. He only smiled and waved, the feeling of disquiet tying knots in his stomach.

That first paragraph is confusing. I thought Mark wanted to drag Shaun into the “real” world? Why is this, if he doesn’t think it will be ‘fun’ or good for his friend or whatever? I feel like their motives are muddled here. Also, slightly heavy-handed with the foreshadowing IMHO. Perhaps you could trim the other stuff down and leave it at Mark having doubts? “tamed” is a bit OTT, too...

Shaun walked slowly up the slope, feeling refreshed from a full days sleep in a hotel. He shielded his eyes from the glare of the snow, but didn't look away. It hurt his eyes to watch, but he couldn't help it. The mountain was beautiful to him, more beautiful than anything man-made ever could be. Shaun smiled; the summit was in view now. And Mark thought I couldn't beat this mountain, he thought. Feeling energised, he managed a half run for the last few minutes until the summit, even while hampered by his heavy snow clothes.

When he came to the summit, he looked down upon the world, the vast expanses of snow. Shaun couldn't help but to laugh. I can look forward to years more of this, he thought. The thought uplifted him, as he couldn't think of a life without adventure. He enjoyed the thrill of what he done, but the sheer beauty of the things he saw satisfied him too.

I like the first paragraph in this section; however you repeat yourself a bit here: “He shielded his eyes from the glare of the snow, but didn't look away. It hurt his eyes to watch, but he couldn't help it.” You could save on word count if you combine the sentences; “He shielded his eyes from the painful glare of the snow, but didn’t look away. He couldn’t help it.” What kind of mountain is this?! Maybe draw out the time frame a little, as it confuses me that he can get to the top of the mountain in just one day. That being said, it's not impossible...I just see it as being more difficult, given that it's the "ultimate challenge for any adrenaline junkie".

The sun had begun to lower, and Shaun began his trek down the mountain. Descending in the dark wasn't a good idea - a previously broken rib testified to that. The sun moved slowly, as it always seemed to at his altitude, which suited him just fine.

When he was around halfway down, a wild, triumphant yell tore from him. It was wordless, but had anyone been close enough to hear him, they would have understood it as a cheer of victory. As it was, the only thing that heard him was the mountain, and it responded as best as it knew how.

OK, a few points here. I agree that “The sun had begun to lower” is awkward. It would read better (and save verbiage) as “The sun was setting.” I also think it should be “as Shaun began his trek down the mountain” rather than “and”. Also, if descending in the dark isn’t a good idea, why is he descending when the sun is setting? Might be a good idea to have him mentally remark on trying to get down before the sun set completely, which would also incorporate “the sun moved slowly…” a lot more smoothly.

Notes on mountain climbing: I know next to nothing about this, really, but courtesy of Vertical Limit I have picked up a few things (the things you learn at the movies…ahahaha). Firstly, climbing alone is a bad idea, especially for a beginner. So I’m assuming Shaun is accomplished and/or slightly reckless. Even so, I’m fairly sure most people know not to yell on a snowy mountain. So perhaps the sound should be a little more accidental. Or, perhaps Shaun sees the Grey Man in the distance and shouts to him, or something. It might, in fact, make the story creepier if the Grey Man is partial cause of his victim’s demise…ish…thingy…LOL whatever happens to him, anyway. As it is, one wonders why he risks his life to cheer when nobody’s listening (yes, it’s understandable, but…I think it needs more reasoning). I love that last line, though.

The ground shook, and Shaun's face instantly paled. "Oh, shit," he breathed, and began to run blindly towards the bottom. He had seen documentaries on avalanches; and it wasn't pretty. Neither was the mortality rate. His clothes prevented him running as fast as he could, and he paused for a moment, pulling at one of his numerous pairs of pants. Then he began to run, faster this time, but still nowhere near as fast as the snow. Tears ran from his eyes, blinding him, and he panted like a dog.

The rumbling grew louder, and unbalanced Shaun. He chanced a look behind him, and screamed at what he saw. This time his scream was not of joy. A wall of snow was rushing towards him, one that he couldn't see past, and he knew that he had only moments before it picked him up and he was engulfed. Thinking of that moved only to terrify him even more, and his legs pumped faster. The scenery began to race past him, and hope began to seep through his mind, against all common sense.

As above – why yell? ESPECIALLY if he’s seen docos on Avalanches. Just not smart, oy. Another note; if I were you I’d do some quick googling re: avalanche survival techniques. Assuming there are such things. WorstCaseScenario.c om may have something on that. Anyway, I think pausing to drop his pants is the last thing that’s gonna save him. And what about his gear etc ? Could he maybe drop a backpack or some unnecessary supplies? (he DOES have gear, right? Because, to paraphrase the immortal words of Legolas, “one does not just WALK up a mountain”). It would perhaps be more realistic to have him try some real life methods (again, assuming they exist –I’m shooting in the dark here) to escape, as we’re supposedly assuming he’s a professional “adrenaline junkie” (see above) and mostly these people are surprisingly safety-conscious (awareness of risk = double the fun? Who knows?).

That hope was obliterated when the snow caught up with him. It rushed over him and his bones turned to ice. He opened his mouth to scream but only gagged on a mouthful of snow. Vomit threatened to rise, and he attempted to swallow. The snow slowly melted, all the while taking his air. Pain was making him light headed, and threatening to make him faint. He attempted to claw his way upwards, and his head broke out into the open. He spat the snow out of his mouth and saw when he saw the person standing downhill from him. "Help!" he yelled hoarsely, and the person turned towards him. Shaun saw the creature properly for the first time, and shrieked. The creature was at least ten feet tall, maybe twelve, and was covered by shaggy hair.

This part is too fast-moving. I know, I know. Limited word space, etc. But that’s no excuse **pokes** This is, like, the most dramatic bit so far! This is our first glimpse of The Grey Man! Shaun just got swallowed by an Avalanche! We have to be TENSE! We must be SCARED! WE DEMAND SUSPENSE!

…erm. Well. You get the picture

IMHO, you should google avalanches and perhaps read up on people who have survived them. I know you have limited time too so I’ve done a bit of nosying about meself and have a few links that might help: http://www.upski.com/up08000.htm, http://www.secretsofsurvival.com/surviv ... anche.html, http://www.ehow.com/how_17657_survive-avalanche.html, http://www.netscape.com/viewstory/2006/ ... frame=true, http://archive.9news.com/acm_news.aspx? ... 89c01ca7bf .

The creature ran towards him, arms open, and all the while Shaun screamed, still flowing down the mountain in a cavalcade of snow, numbing to the pain. He went under the snow for the last time, and his breathing stopped. Seconds later, the beast grabbed a hand protruding from the snow and pulled him out. Shaun's arms flew about comically when the creature shook up, then he fell limp. After holding his chest to its ears and sniffing him, the beast slung Shaun over its shoulder, then walked towards the summit of the mountain.

OK, wait – I thought we’d stopped? The snow was melting before, and yet it’s still flowing, and while I’m not saying that this is impossible, it gives the wrong impression LOL. Perhaps work on integrating the description of the avalanche a little more. Also..why does the creature have a nose in its ear? Hehehe.

Mark's head whipped up and he clapped a hand to his heart. His foot pressed on the brake, and the car ground to a halt. Around him, the drivers honked their horns, and he forced himself to accelerate once more, still shaking.

The school came into a view and Mark sighed in relief. He slowly pulled into a parking space and sat, still panting.

A sharp tap on the window startled him, and Mark looked up to see Mr Morgan, the principal. He wound his window down. "Morning, Mark," he said, his strong British accent permeating all his words. "Are you feeling alright?"

Hm. Well. To start with here, you repeat “still shaking” and “still panting” when you haven’t told us that he was shaking or panting in the first place. Possibly need a bit more info here, or to rearrange the info that is given; “Mark slammed his foot on the brake as he clapped a hand to his heart. Around him, drivers skidded to a stop, horns blaring, but for a moment he just sat there, shaking.” And it might be a good idea to extend Mark’s internal dialogue at this point, telling us exactly what he’s experiencing. Why is Mark relieved to see the school? Perhaps it would emphasize his state of mind more if he nearly drives past it? Also you can save verbiage by saying simply “Morning Mark,” he said in his strong British accent. “Are you feeling all right?” (two words there, BTW).

"I think so. Just a bit of a dizzy spell, I guess. I'll just sit here for a few minutes." Mark nodded along to his own words, wondering how obvious his distress was.

"Good man," Mr Morgan said, and reached inside the car to clap him on the shoulder, before walking away. Mark waited until there was no-one in sight before pulling out his cell phone. After several failed attempts at dialling, he managed Shaun's number. He hung up after twenty-seven rings. Thoughts raced around his head until it swam, and a sense of despair filled him. He's gone, he's dead! The mountain's taken him! Oh God, it was my idea for him to go, and now he won't answer? What now?

First sentence there rocks. Seriously. Perfect balance. But why is Morgan saying “good man”? I would expect him to hesitate for a moment, be a little worried, then accept Mark’s word for it. After all, dizzy spells? Yeah, they’re not so common people just shrug ‘em off. The transition from Mark dialing to the “hung up” part is too quick; maybe insert a short sentence (e.g. “He waited. And waited. After twenty-seven rings, he hung up”) to make it less abrupt. A reference to Mark’s “dizzy spell” here, I think, would help make his assumptions about Shaun more … crap, I can’t think of the word. More understandable? You know what I mean.

Will post more soon...

Thanks Meevs, and Clau. I'm just checking it before school, but I'll get onto it after work. Problem is, the word limits 3000 words here, and it's already uptown from 2500 somewhere. Some parts I thought would have to stand as they were, but I could try to get rid of some things and add more realism and description...

Read the first part, so far. Some grammar was off (I think the above caught it.) But you should still consider reading through it yourself and trying to catch these things. Try reading it backwards. (I know how odd that sounds.)

This started oddly, imho. We have no idea about either of these characters, but apparently one put the other through college, and the one who went through college slacks off and does nothing. How are these guys related? How did they get here? It seemed like a really odd place to start, and it just felt... flaky? Is that the right word? I don't think so. Their dialog didn't feel true to life, so the beginning didn't feel true to life. The whole scene just felt kind of fake, like when you was a soap opera and the actors look really fake? It was like that. I think fixing the dialog on the first part would help.

Is there a word limit to this? Because I think you should also add some body language. Give us a better idea of who this character is before he goes on the big challenge.

I'll do more later, I'm kind of busy... =]

Hihi! Here I go to review

. But I thought we could have a little bet."

But if you can't, you're going to come back, and you're going to come back and begin teaching, like

I'm not coming to your world easy."

And Mark thought I couldn't beat this mountain, he thought.

. I can look forward to years more of this, he thought.

The sun had begun to lower, and

out of his mouth and saw when he saw the person standing downhill from him

. her smile wavered

"No" Shaun said, beginning to wake from his daze.

Thanks, Nutty. Looks like I really screwed up those italics lol. I'm still trying to fix them. Oh well, third time lucky.

....Creepy. I saw a couple of typos. But you can go through and find that. And fix up the italics! it makes it hard to read.

But the story itself is good. Who is this grey man? and the mountain scene, as you said, seemed a little... vague. and awkward. Maybe watch some cheezy docos on mountain climbing to see what it's like. (I'm not sure myself)
But the whole... grey man thing is great! (I suck at critting.... ) But anyway, good luck on the competition!