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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
You told us a story, plain and simple. You severly lacked descriptions. I have not the foggiest idea what the character looks like or what any of the setting looks like.
You really need more to your chracters. We have the backstory, but what about now? The narrator is fine, speaking with his voice has helped keep him as a seperate person and keep his character stronger than the rest.
The flow seems fine. The paragraph about mothers and supermarket despair wasa bit random and confusing. As well as the writing flowed i had a hard time connecting the pieces together. It was a rush of time and I'm not truely grasping where this story is going. I thought it was supposed to be a story about Ike? Now we've trailed into this area.
It's not a bad story at all, I find it very well written, it just needs organizing and fleshing out. You have a great starting spot, good luck.
Edited for submission.
-Mesh
If not "if"
I liked this bit. It summarizes the conflict your main character had with Rachael very well.
Review:
Well this was hard to critque. The way you info dumped was very insightful and provided indepth emotions that the main character felt. I think it's due to the fact that this was written in first person as well as the way you worded the info dump that made it worked so well.
Anothe reason why I believe it was so successful is because the information is well linked with the story and character and it basically doesn't waffle.
Personally, I think you could do less telling and more showing as well as some description of what is happening currently. It could make the story more interesting to read.
Overall, well written and I have that little feeling in me that makes me wanna read more. Keep going Mat.