Published November 9, 2012
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,021 Reviews
Hello there Innergy! ^^
How are you doing on this beautiful day? =) I will try my best to give you a good and helpful review here.
Before we get into the poem itself, I need you to change the format of this to actually make it look like a poem. A lot of people won't bother reading something when you haven't used the enter button at least once.
It will look a lot better and attracting like this:
Alright, now let's get to the poem itself, shall we? ^^ This is a cute piece but like Dogs said, it is also a predictable piece and we need to avoid that. I would like to see you create more imagery and mystery in this so it will keep swimming around in our brains even after we've gone off the computer.
You can do it! ^^ If you have any questions, shoot me a pm or leave a message on my wall. =)
qaralynn
Hey there Innergy! Dogs here with your review today. Ok so this is a good piece of work you got going on here. It's cute, it's adorable, and it's predictable. I knew exactly what was going to happen after I read the title and the first sentence. That should be a major major red flag to you as a writer if the reader is predicting whats going to happen once they have barely started reading. In a piece like this I want to see a twist, something I would never expect. It's like you listening to your friends tell the same story all the time, it gets boring and you're thinking to your self (I've heard this before...). Put a little pizzaz into this! Throw some glitter on it! Or, if you want to keep it with the same plot line that's ok, however... if you do do this you have to put in much more imaginative descriptions. You do it wonderfully with the "chocolate melting on a hot tongue." I as a reader want to see more of that style of writing in this piece, something that will paint a picture and make me feel how your character feels. I think this piece is a great start and has plenty of potential. If you have any more questions feel free to shoot me a PM. Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh