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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there Innergy! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, except on days where the stars align just so, like today, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
This piece is very short, which, although it made this a quick and easy read, really works against it. You cover a lot of different concepts without pausing to develop them, and such rapidfire jumping of ideas really hurts this.
To use the first stanza as an example:
"A sweet sound" is pretty cliche, but then you follow it up with "sour touch" and "tasty feeling", which aren't easy to visualize. I'm left wondering how exactly a touch can be sour, or a feeling can be tasty, and there's nothing in this poem to nudge this wondering in any particular direction. It's just BAM! unusual combination of descriptors and onto the next part of the poem. It just doesn't work.
One of the great things about poetry is that a poet can take two completely unrelated concepts and then spin them together in such a way that the reader feels that those two concepts fit together perfectly and always have. There's none of that in this piece, and this piece really needs such spinning. Without it, there's just a jumble of disparate words on a page, the results of what appears to be the barest minimum effort of conveying a poetic idea.
Try reconciling the images in the first stanza, for starters. You've got a theme of taste as a primary sense going on, so develop it. Make the descriptions meaningful. Show the reader how sweet a sound, sour a touch, or tasty a feeling can taste so that they can practically taste those things themselves. It would go a long, long way in making this poem stronger, more relatable, and, in addition, more memorable.
As it stands, there isn't anything particularly memorable or relatable about this piece. The few images here all too vague make this piece so.
Thanks a bunch, Kyllorac. I will definitely take your words to heart
I like your poem. Its very complex, but yet simple. Great refrain, and amazing oxymorons. I don't know if I love that its so comparative, because you can't really get an idea for what the reader "feels" but it works really well. I would suggest looking at the first two lines of the second stanza, they don't seem to flow all that well. Its a great topic and very well writen. I enjoyed reading it!