NECROMIA: Of Beginnings

InnerVoice wrote:Prologue

Blackbark Woods was not the sort of place one thought of when dreaming up images of healthy, green trees or small, friendly critters. The trees of Blackbark were actuallyvery ugly, consisting of large, misshapen trunks, twisted branches, and brownish, rotten-looking leaves. The woods were considered strange for a number of reasons. For one, no living thing had ever been witnessed to live in Blackbark, be it a great doe, a small rabbit, or even a tiny, pesky fly. For another, the mass of hideous trees was always silent. No matter how hard the wind blew, a rustle of leaves could never be heard. However, the oddest trait of the place was the bizarre black bark that covered every single tree. Because of its strangeness, Blackbark Woods was considered wicked and most, if not all folk left the ominous woods alone.

your writing, although very well written, falls into a rhythmic pattern. This happens alot when writers describe things. For example: bizarre black bark, every single tree. Can you see that it has the same pattern? the problem with this is that is makes the reader conscious of the writing rather than allowing it to flow as they read.

This night, however, was different from all other nights. There was a woman in Blackbark; a woman as strange as the woods itself. She was running in nothing but a long nightgown, not even a pair of shoes gracing her feet. In her arms, she held onto what appeared to be a bundle of cloth. She ran quickly, leaping over overgrown roots and paying no mind to the occasional branch that nipped at her gown. Even the hard rocks littering the ground didn’t seem to bother the barefoot young woman as she sprinted by tree after tree. Not until she reached a small clearing some miles into Blackbark, did she finally stop. I love strange women :]

The woman’s labored breathing was the only noise that could be heard as she leaned tiredly against the rough bark of a particularly large tree. She allowed herself to rest for only a moment, wiping away the beads of sweat that had formed at her brow with one hand. With the other, she stilltightly hugged the bundle of cloth to her chest. The young woman tucked a strand of black hair behind one ear and took a deep, calming breath before crouching to the ground. Her eyes were impossibly sad as she finallylooked down at the bunch of cloth in her arms. In reality, her bundle was much more precious than simple cloth. Within the soft, blue fabric was a baby.

Awesome paragraph, it really drew me in.

Still squatting, the woman positioned the small child as comfortably as she could against the bottom of the blackened tree trunk. Her delicate hand trembled as she reached forward to cup the baby’s soft cheek.

"And, what in the blazes do you think you’re doing, girl?”

Quickly snatching her hand back, the woman whipped her head around to the source of the abrasive voice. good diction She twisted her body forward, blocking the child from view as she took in the appearance of her unexpected visitor. The figure, standing on the opposite edge of the clearing, was draped in a heavy cloak, a hood masking the stranger’s face. “Who are you?” the dark-haired woman questioned harshly, voice still raspy from being out of breath. “What’s your business in the woods?”

The onlooker released a slow, ironic chuckle in response to her questions. “It is not I who is a stranger in this place, but rather you, my lady. And it is not I who am acting peculiarly, but you.” nice dialogue.

Same as the others. This isn't really a critique, but an oh-my-gosh-that-was-really-great kind of review.

The dialogue was my favourite. And your characters were very well established, especially the woman. I enjoyed how you had the woman interrupted by the "seer", rather than having her dump the kid and then have him stumble across it. You half-revealed her actions, which gave me a bit of understanding of the whole "why", but not so much I feel like I know everything. So I want to read more! Post more soon!

The other reviewers were right that the "seer" has the potential to be cliche, and so does the dark and creepy wood. But fantasy is founded off cliches, so I believe, and even the oldest cliche can be given an original twist to it. And they can also be good; allowing you to surprise the reader when you reveal more of the character. I look forward to seeing more of the "seer". (:

One question: If she's such an important woman, hinted by the "my Lady" and the "who-do-you-think-you-are-speaking-to-me-like-that", then why didn't she leave the child with maids or a member of the family? Why those woods where she knew it would probably die? Is her home in trouble then, and she didn't want them to find the baby? Oooh. Post chapter one soon, please. And PM me when you do! Dying for answers here! C:

~EmmaJane~

I don't really need to critique because I feel the others did a phenomenal job in doing so. I just wanted to tell you how great what you've written is and its potential. This story is so fabulous so far, and I cannot wait to see the first chapter. Would you please PM when it is up?

~Day

To beckiw and thatboy,

Thank you both so much for taking the time to review my prologue. I really appreciate it!

beckiw - I enjoyed your suggestions. Of course, I changed my "figured" to "figure". I also changed my "young lady" to "young woman" as I believe that term fits the character better. I also enjoyed your comments about certains aspects of the story. I certainly agreed with the majority of what you had to say. I realize that this story has the potential to become cliche. Hopefully, I can pull away from that and incorporate more original ideas into my story as it progress. I'm also very aware of how close my dialogue comes to being "too epic". It is difficult for me at times to find the right words for my dialogue as I want it to sound old-fashioned, but not super corny. Finally, I wanted to mention that as the story goes on, some things will be reveled about this "seer" that may comes as surprise to you. But that, of course, is way in the future. Thanks again so much for your fantastic comments. Your criticisms with the story were spot on and I can't thank you enough for your great advice.

thatboy - Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm estatic that you found the characters to be believable as that was a main goal of mine. I'm also glad that the mystery grabbed hold of you as that was my intention. I certainly hope that Chapter One (which I will hopefully get posted within the next week!) will not disappoint. Thanks again!

very good, very enjoyable.

i enjoyed reading this piece, it was a good way to start the story. i now want to hear more.

the charcacters were very good and very belivable.

the prologue gripped me right from the start and the mystery i felt at the start carried on through the peice and kept me reading to the end.

overall: like i said, very enjoyable and a very good piece of writing, hope i get the chance to read chapter 1

Hey InnerVoice

The young lady tucked a strand of black hair behind one ear and took a deep - I know it's difficult to find things to use to refer to the character when you haven't named them but I think that 'The young lady' doesn't really fit. It kind of alludes to certain perspective on her, which isn't there.

blocking the child from view as she took in her unexpected visitor’s appearance. - The end of this sentence feels a little awkward. Perhaps you could switch it up a bit like 'as she took in the appearance of her unexpected visitor.' Just seems to flow a little better.

She then turned to gaze into the blackness that concealed her mysterious visitor’s face. - Again I know that it's difficult to think of things to call an unnamed character but I think that you have used this visitor or company thing a bit too much. By now I am assuming it's a man, so maybe it would be good if you could confirm that or just refer to him as the Seer as you have already confirmed that but I think you are now overusing the visitor thing, no matter how many different ways you say it.

“Yet you’re willing to see him perish in these ugly woods?” the figured questioned skeptically. - Should be 'figure' not 'figured' and I believe it is spelt 'sceptically'

Character - The characters were well done in this piece. I got the desperation from the woman and I felt for her. I think with the seer you just have to be careful that he doesn't fall into cliche. He is a cloaked stranger and you can't see his face and he is all knowing and what not. Because of all this you are running dangerously close to cliche with his character. So I would just keep that in mind as you write the rest of your novel and make sure that you do something original with his character or give him a certain something that makes him different.

Pacing - The pacing was good. You weren't in too much of a rush to get to the exciting moments, as so often happens, and you gave the reader room to get into the story and relate to the characters. So keep that going as you progress through the novel.

Dialogue - The dialogue was also good. It felt natural and you showed character through what they said. You didn't do it so much here but just be careful not to get too epic with your dialogue. It's a risk when you write stories like this with prophecies and people seeing the future. So just keep the dialogue real and true to the characters.

Description - The description flowed well and you give the reader enough that they know their surroundings and can imagine the setting without giving them too much. The only problems really, as I have said above, is finding interesting ways to refer to your characters that don't get boring and repetitive. I think the stranger and figure was fine and I didn't mind them being repeated because it almost became a character name but just be careful with other ways you refer to the characters.

Overall - I actually really enjoyed this. It flowed well and it alluded to things bigger than what you showed but not so much that I was angry you weren't telling me. You write characters well and I felt somewhat immersed in the world. As with any Fantasy novel though you have to be careful not to fall into the old cliches and plots, or if you do that you do it with flare and originality. So just always keep that in mind as you continue with this novel.

Hope I helped! If you have any questions just PM me

Bex x