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My Love

by InnerTurmoil


These are my feelings.
That is my answer.
Please no harsh dealings.
Don't spear like a lancer.

I have my heart for you.
I trust you above all.
No more will I be blue.
Don't let me fall.


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Wed Sep 02, 2020 5:36 pm
mythh wrote a review...



Hey there... It's painful to read this. I relate to this, I really do and it's also painful to see that around the time you were as young as I am, things were the same. I'm really sorry.

To me, this poem was the fear of rejection, of dismissal, and of negligence. It is deep, I won't deny. It's short but prompt. It's not too complicated, rather straightforward but hits the same as poetry buried deep within a metaphoric realm.

I can't comment too much, although I would suggest removing all the periods(full stops) after each line as it's an abrupt and unsettling pause. Without them, it should flow really well.

That will be all. As I said, I don't have too much to critique. I really loved this poem and it was comforting to know that a totally different generation went through the same things as I did and went through the same thought processes. I hope you're still expressing your thoughts in such a beautiful form and are happy where you are.

I wish you peace of mind as I conclude this review.

Lots of love,
Myth




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Sun Jun 02, 2019 11:44 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



Wesh! Jade here to review your poem. It's old but I found it somehow... Ok, let's go.

These are my feelings.
That is my answer.
Please no harsh dealings.
Don't spear like a lancer.

I like the rhyme scheme, it's a fast tempo with a good syllable count. maybe Don't spear me like a lancer sounds better than don't spear like a lancer.

You should have a stanza between the two verses, but that's just my personal suggestion. It is optional!!

I have my heart for you.
I trust you above all.
No more will I be blue.
Don't let me fall.

Do not let me fall sounds more scared-like. I think that's what you're going for in this poem, right??

OVERALL: I think this was really good an I appreciated the raw honesty and slight metaphors it has. Great work!


-Professor JadeLotus-




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Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:48 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there. I'm doing a sweep of pieces of poetry that never got proper reviews for celebrating the #RevMo season.

I appreciate short and sweet poems and the wording is particularly interesting here. The fourth line is interesting in word choice but then it comes off sounding weird to me? It might just be how the word sounds out of place in comparison to commonly used words. I feel like the poem is depending on the lines sounding uniform and then this quick switch, just creates a tension in the air.

The ending line is rather cliche but the the entirety of the poem is as well. As a poetry mod, I've read so much romantic centric poetry so I don't have that much of a gauge for how it's used anymore. it does seem like you're embracing some of the dramatic side that comes with the issue, making the poem digestible to the reader. As a reader, I'm certainly feeling the emotion behind this piece.

The one other thing really bothering me is the imagery or the more the lack of it. It starts out rather mildly and you do make a few attempts at making the scene colorful, by directly including a color as an emotion. That's just not doing it for the poem though so I would recommend adding a bit more vividness to the descriptions.
Considering the subject matter, should be pretty easy.

Happy RevMo.
- lizz




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:25 pm
paula08 wrote a review...



Hey!
This is a direct simple and direct poem. Maybe if it was just a bit longer you would have managed to describe your passionate feelings to make the poem more intense. If I were you I would decorate this poem with more smoothing words and include similes to make it more flowing.

Nevertheless it is a great poem.

KEEP IT UP!!!!




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:45 am
bandgeek101 wrote a review...



I think this poem was really heartfelt and moving. The only critique I have is make it longer. This poem could be so much longer and a lot more enjoyable if there was more to it. Another thing is the line "Don't spear like a lancer." I think it would sound better if you changed it to "Don't spear like a lance". Otherwise, that's it. Amazing work.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:11 am
Chevy wrote a review...



Hmm...interesting poem....however, I think the following should be changed:

"No more will I be blue."

to

"No longer I'll be blue."




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Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:58 pm
Skye says...



Same thing everyone above me already said, and my congrats on writing a great poem! :wink:




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Wed Dec 01, 2004 8:52 pm
InnerTurmoil says...



Thanks guys I was thinking the same but just couldnt get it!!




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Sun Nov 28, 2004 2:47 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this poem - my only major criticism is that its too short! LOL But the ending is well done, very sharp and pointed - kind of like a lance hehe.

"These are my feelings.
That is my answer.
Please no harsh dealings.
Don't spear like a lancer."


I like the first two lines of this stanza - they are confusing, but intentionally so, and I like the way you get straight to the point (God, sorry, I dont know where all these puns are coming from). The third and forth lines feel a bit contrived though...I particularly didnt like lancer, it just didnt seem to fit, although I understand how needing a rhyme can make a poet desperate LOL. I'd change those two though - keep the ideas, just the words dont work.

"I have my heart for you.
I trust you above all.
No more will I be blue.
Don't let me fall."


I agree with Nate, "have" should be "hold" - it makes more sense. Other than that, I really like this stanza though. Particularly the end, as I already pointed out (ack, there I go again). I like the whole sentiment behind the poem, I can really relate to going out on a limb so to speak and hoping someone will hold you up...Good job. :D




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Wed Nov 24, 2004 4:10 am
Nate wrote a review...



I thought this was pretty good. However, you might consider changing "have" in the fifth line to "hold" and rearranging the seventh line to "No more blue I will be" to give it a more poetic tilt to it.

Overall, you have a good rhythym going here that stays fairly consistent throughout and the rhyming itself seems natural. Very nice job.





I didn't know beards could do that ;)
— ShadowVyper