While we were in slumber
The sky a velvet sheet of black,
Pricked with shimmering silver and gold,
Like glitter tossed across breathless dark,
Milky white traces of light shine down,
Allighting on branches, hills and valleys,
The moon is smiling as she lulls the world to sleep.
Few are awake to witness the ancient display,
most are walking far, far away, alone in the land of dreaming.
The wind flies down among the forests,
Leaving no trace but the sighing of bows,
Trailing long ghostly fingers behind.
All the world is sleeping, all the world is at peace.
All wait for morn, for glorious sun.
For the sun rises shining, this new day begun.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is beautiful, I love your imagery just as it is - you describe things very well. I like how you describe the wind, and the sky "pricked" with silver and gold, and also your use of personification to make the moon seem like an actual person, smiling. I really like this, great job.
Be careful with spelling and word usage. "Bow" (pronounced like "bough") is actually a verb which means to bend down. A bow, on the other hand, can be a ribbon, a type of weapon, a stringed stick used to start fires, or what musicians use to play instruments like the violin.
These last two lines rhyme, but the rest of the poem doesn't, so they felt really off and disrupted the flow.
Inconsistent punctuation seems to be a recurring issue in your poems. Not all lines need to end with a piece of punctuation.
The imagery in this poem was pretty, but not especially original, and some parts had me wondering "How does that work?" One example is "breathless dark". How is darkness breathless? Why does it make sense to describe it as breathless? Elaborate on things like these in your poem, otherwise they're just pretty words without substance.
This was my favorite line. :)
Overall, this is a decent start for a poem, but it needs work. Fix up the punctuation and give your imagery more substance, and this will be quite a lovely little poem.
This is beautiful and reminds me I should go to bed!
Well done!
It should be while we were in a slumber grammatically speaking but there's nothing wrong with taking a bit of poetic license!
To alight only has one L.
Why is the moon an "ancient" display?
land of dreams maybe?
that's it,
xx
Velvet
ps well done once more!