Published February 2, 2010
Should I run or Should I hide? With Grace I have complied
My eyes are open wide,
I'm broken deep inside,
I'm crying, glassy-eyed
I'm trying to decide,
should I run or should I hide,
Should I revolt or abide,
My life seems like one big landslide,
I can't find anyone in which to confide,
I feel like some part of me died.
I hear every lie that I have lied,
I'm on that eternal slide,
Which takes me to collide,
I'm going to fall into that great divide.
For hours I've cried,
For years I have denied,
I long to be untied,
I shout shouts that only echoes have replied,
Every sigh I have sighed
Every lesson I've defied,
Every tear I have cried,
It all leads down to the choice that you provide.
Now I ask why I never complied,
Why from you I've always shied,
Why I submitted to my pride,
When all along I could have been allied,
With the one who dried,
those tears that dyed,
my face, and began to guide,
me with his Grace.
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Hello! I think the rhyming you have used gets very repetitive in this poem, and then it comes as a bit of a shock for the reader when the final line doesn't rhyme at all. You need to find a rhyming scheme that isn't quite so repetitive, for example AA,BB or ABCB. Your rhythm could also do with tidying up a bit - count the syllables in each line and try to make them all roughly the same so that it flows a little better. You have the potential for a good poem here, perhaps a little more description would also help, so play around and have fun with it.
This poem really struck me as standard teen angst fare. As sugarxsnow already mentioned, the forced rhyme, inconsistent rhythm, and lack of unique and clear imagery really didn't help things. Poems do not need to rhyme, and that you only used one rhyme, while technically impressive, started annoying me early on since the lines were so short. In addition, I am wondering what is up with your punctuation? Not every line has to end in a comma, and the lack of properly-used punctuation made this poem difficult to understand. In general, punctuation in poetry follows the same rules as prose.
I do see how the title ties in, but I agree that it could use some shortening. "With Grace I Could Have Complied" is one possibility.
Overall, I suggest completely rewriting this poem with proper punctuation. In addition, rather than force yourself to rhyme, try a different form. Something I do when I write poetry is write out in plain prose what I want my poem to be about and then play around with things until I get the result I want. Another thing you need to work on is your imagery. Imagery in a poem should be easy to visualize while at the same time making the reader go, "I've never thought of it exactly that way before." Imagery is a very important part of poetry, and without strong imagery, you poem will not stand out among other poems.
I hope that was helpful.
Hi. I'm Kate. Apparently I'm late for school, but I'll do your piece a quick review. We'll go in detail later when I get back.
Nitpicks have been nitpicked, though not in detail. You haven't seen the rest of it yet. Looking closely at the above commentaries, I think you have a lot to clarify, improve and edit out. I will point out what else you can do later on. There are a lot of forced rhymes in this piece, as you see, and I'm peeved by the lot of them. They're thrown in so randomly in there, it doesn't make any sense. Also, your title has little relevance to the piece itself, and can work out well with shortening. What is this 'Grace' you are talking about, anyway? And you can see that I have questions yet to be answered above. I hope you can answer them by editing this piece, not explaining to me what you are trying to convey. Reword. Edit. Fix up rhythm. Edit out rhyme that doesn't make sense. You know, poetry is not all about rhyme. It's about the content as well. And the meter. And the depth. And the uniqueness of idea. Don't write just for the sake of it. You need to have a good idea first before you write it down, or it will sound forced. Poetry can work well without rhyme. It can even be twice as amazing. You should check out more literature. If you still want to stick with the rhyming scheme (and if you want examples of poetry with good meters) I recommend Edgar Allan Poe. He's the best when it comes to stuff like that.
I'll be in touch later on. Please wait for me if you would.
Sincerely,
~Kate