Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
These nights with your corpse nailed to my wall
Are the most terrible of them all
I hold pillows on both sides of my head to keep my ears closed
as I sleep with flies licking the blood off my cheek on this wooden floor
I fear your sharpened stiff tongue stabs into my ear hole
and releases those screams inside my burning head once more
your mutilated hands they now hang from a rope
with every finger stitched tightly close
just in case they come and try to choke
They swing from the ceiling from a string that your ghost turns and holds
I hear a dog outside my darkened room's door
he smells and wants your dead flesh so
he cries and scratches the door
or
is it you out here
who wants my flesh so.
the dog barks
I jump off the floor and watch
the grin on your skull, holding back a laughing mock
I have kept your ears inside a box
so they won't hear me whisper and shiver
for what I have done.
Your melted rotting eyes they're watching me
black pupils growing bigger, bigger and large
as they choke me
by gripping and shrinking my sour burning lungs.
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130,455 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
Kat for team WHY? this review day
um wow that was creepy...um...
So I noticed you said this is your first draft ? Let's get to it then ! Some formatting would really help here so that you don't have that big chunk in the beginning and then lines with just one word in them . Try making it even but, in this case, abruptness to set that eerie mood you are going for. Sometimes more gory doesn't do much f the mood isn't right . I have read some pretty horrifying things where they hardly had to use more than three adjectives. Tone and mood are your biggest allies, always always always . you seemed to really pick up the pace after line 9 and I feel like you kinda lost what you were going for but picked it back up in the end. The dog thing kind of threw me off so just consider revising the middle . Sometimes less is more, you don't have to use so many words . for example "black pupils growing bigger, bigger and large" could become something like (sorry im not a horror writer ...) "black pits consuming everything, leaving nothing" or if you wanted something shorter "blank lifeless voids" I don't know just examples.
Sorry that seemed like a lot of negativity ! I was trying to be constructive and helpful . I really enjoyed your poem though and it was very cryptic , thanks for rating it appropriately (reads anyways haha) . I did like how you described this maniacs insanity really well and you could try using some zesty literary devices to amp up that horror factor even more .
Welcome to YWS!
~Keep on keeping on
Kat
Hey, yo, Inkonpaperink! Strange here, and I have a review for you on this fantastic Review Day! Since I'm on a roll, let's talk about this one!
Usually, darker poems on here over glorify the darkness and edginess of horror. It is a useless technique, really. If you want it to be scary, make it creepy, set an atmosphere. Though I felt this overly brutal, it set an atmosphere that was highly elevated by your writing style. Rarely does that happen, so I applaud you.
Your first line in this poem kicks it off with a brutal punch to the face. So brutal it left me slightly unnerved. Usually, edgy horror gore poems have a climb up the mountain until he climax, but you shoved it down my throat. This whole poem was shoved down my throat. Sometimes, you need to relax and let it seep in.
The punctuation and lack of capitals where it's not needed is spot on. Your writing style makes it dark. That's why this poem is horror, it's because of your writing style. Sure, not the best, but for what it is it is grand. I recently have been one of those reviewers who went "Ew, your writing style is meh" so take that as a compliment.
This was fantastic. Perfect, in my mind. It is the perfect Volta.
Other than that, though this is a fairly good poem, take a chill pill on all the unnecessary gore in my face.
Thank you, good job, and keep writing!
I am amazed. I love the way you have executed the eerie presence of an unwanted demonic life inside your mind. It is a great hit at least for me. I have ni complaints. Everything in the poem is beautiful and great. Moreover the words create a feeling of something negative and dangerous event is going to happen. I love the presentation and the writing is really amazing. You have the great potential yo be a writer.keep it up.
thank you! tanny!
glad you liked it!