In the new year the squirrels will still chatter and birds will peep,
All the flowers will bloom- it's a promise they keep.
The wind will blow hard and the sun will still shine,
And despite any gloom your hand will be in mine.
In the new year we shall have pie,
At the great new year party with every gal and guy.
There will singing and dancing galore,
There will be fireside myths and folklore.
There will be summer and winter and fall,
And there will be sun and snow- but most of all,
There will be love and warming embrace,
And we will shine light in every dark place.
Edited According to Reviews
In the new year the squirrels will still chatter and birds will peep,
All the flowers will bloom- it's a promise they keep.
The snow will still fall and the maple leaves too,
And in the great maple tree the owls will still 'Hoo'.
In the new year we shall have pie,
At the great new year party with every gal and guy.
There will singing and dancing galore,
Then there will fireside legends and lore
There be summer and winter and fall,
And there will be sun and snow- but most of all,
There will be love and warming embrace,
And we will shine light in every dark place.
Hey Clayre!
Shady here with your review!
I'm new to reviewing poetry, but I'm giving it a shot.
I agree with the reviewers before me. I don't like the second stanza as much as I could, because the rhyming feels a bit forced.
I like your poem overall, though. Your first stanza is lovely. It makes me think world just waking up after a long, cold winter, which is always a wonderful feeling (unlike the feeling in my semi-frozen toes >.>).
But your last two lines are my favorite.
There's nothing to add to that. It's wonderful. It makes me happy.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hey
Very well written. This is more than perfect and don't need much to be reviewed.
As Demeter had already pointed out that 'Pie' is forcibly written and I think she is right.
The first paragraph is great. It is all related to nature and it is well written, the opening lines make a good impact and that motivates us to keep reading.
The second para is good but personally I don't like it. (Don't be offended, I said PERSONALLY)
Oh My-- I love this. It is the Best Finish for a good start.
I love these lines, so touching.
Hi, Ingrid!
Rhyming poetry! ^_^ I like it. You created a nice atmosphere with the poem - I felt like I was brought in the middle of the celebrations and the warming winter fire.
You did rather well with the rhymes, and it's only very rarely when it feels like you used a word just to make it rhyme. "Pie" is an example for that - I can tell that you wanted to use some sort of food here, and since there aren't many foods that would rhyme with "girl", you thought "Aha! I know! Pie and guy!" Of course, I can't know whether this is the case, but the way you've written makes it *seem* like that.
One general thing that you might want to pay attention to is keeping the line lengths consistent. The very first line has 26 syllables, the first line of the second stanza has 8. That's quite a contrast! I think it would be worth it to try and make all the lines about the same length, because then it wouldn't feel like like it was all over the place. Consistency is good!
Overall, I quite liked this! I hope you write more rhyming poetry because you do know how to do it and it's something I really enjoy reading!
Demeter
x
Hey! Nice poem. I can see you worked hard on it, and it's also surprisingly really difficult to write a happy poem without it coming off silly and ridiculous. Your first and last stanzas do not fall prey to that, so I'm happy to see the potential for something feel-good!
That said, the middle stanza definitely falls prey to the silly and ridiculous. Pie? Gal and guy? Galore? Do you want to say "swell, let's have milkshakes at the soda fountain" next? I mean, that would be fine, but that caricature falls way too easily to the ridiculous, and you avoided it so well in the other parts. I think there's good intent: you want to describe the community gathering, not just the relationship you mention in the first stanza. But it needs to be done differently. Be super careful, 'cause if rhyme gets out of hand, it will take the wheel over from you and drive the poem. And oh gosh, does rhyme believe in Fahrvergnügen. It will enjoy taking your poem anywhere it wants to, and it doesn't need a Volkswagen to do it. That's what I think happened with that second stanza. So be careful when you rewrite. Rhyme adds to your poem, but if it seems forced it will shatter all your effort.
Next thing, while you edit, be careful of your meter. Usually, it's pretty smooth.
But at the end of the first stanza, for example, it gets forced. We don't say WILL be in MINE, but we say will BE in mine, and so to pair that phrase with the meter of the other lines, it rings false. Which sabotages again, what you want to do with your poem. If we get tripped up by meter, we get an uneasy sense while reading the poem, and your happy images tell me that's not what you want.
Should you fix that and replace the middle stanza, this will be a very nice poem. I especially like these moments:
So, PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review. Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey Ingrid! I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review, but I'll start with an overview. I hope it helps you out. Now, let's get cracking!
I liked this poem, it was very inspirational! You send a strong, optimistic message, and you use some awesome imagery. I felt that at times, the rhythm seemed a little off, but it was not too noticeable. I think the last stanza was the strongest, and the second could use the most work.
The first stanza!
The first line seemed a little long to me. In almost every line you use two parallel ideas, I liked the birds, but I wasn't so fond of the squirrels. I'm not sure why, it might just be because squirrels aren't very poetic animals... I don't know what I'm getting at with this, but for some reason the squirrels felt off.
I like the second line! The idea that flowers keep their continual promise to bloom is beautiful. One idea you might want to give a shot, try using a specific flower, like a rose, or a tiger lily. The reason I say this is because most people don't associate a specific flower to 'flowers'. It's a vague term, so people get a vague image. Try substituting a specific flower for 'flowers and see if you think it fits!
The first two lines of the second stanza were fun and bouncy, but they also felt a little forced. I think you could pull off something better. I liked the last two lines, it was the first two that really stood out to me. Why pie? It just kind of felt like a random choice to me.
The third line was nice! It was very optimistic. I like how it acknowledges bad things will happen, but it still provides a warm and comforting feeling.
Keep up the good work! I hope my review was helpful!
Hello there ^^
First thing I'm obliged to say, I'm not a poet myself. I wouldn't bet on being able to write reviews on poetry either. I will try to tell you my honest opinion, though. I hope it will at least cheer you up
Well, I liked this one. It's really optimistic and cheerful and colourful. If I were to paint it, I would use spring colors, though you speak of all the seasons, and I can imagine music in the background of to poem. Not quite that I'd like to hear it sang (though maybe I would, I don't know), more of a music coming from the words themselves.
You pretty clearly expressed your welcoming of the new year, and though I'm usually a fan of darker writing, I found this poem really refreshing. It gives hope, somehow, in these times of everything being serious and kind of gray (here at my place anyway). Yet you managed not to overdo it - you didn't paint the sky in rainbow colors, more like you gave your readers a rainbow umbrella each, to protect form the pessimism and the dark thoughts for a while. I hope that makes sense, a little.
All in all, a very sweet poem, I'm glad I read it!
Kind regards,
Aria
IngridClayre,
I think your poem is beautiful for the message of hope and joy it spreads.
I think it could be better if you didn't force the rhymes. Some of them are iffy, and they feel a little awkward. Some of the rhymes were very good, such as in this stanza
It doesn't feel like you purposely set up the line breaks so that the lines would rhyme. If you read it aloud, there's a rhythm to it, as if you can nod your head while reading it to the beat. Try reading the stanza aloud. Isn't there a touch of music to it?
I actually disagree with one of the previous reviewers on this one. Yes, it's hard to find a rhyme for galore, but the last line feels weak, and it trips up the rhythm. I think part of the problem is that the first half of the stanza has a shorter line paired with a longer line, and the second part has two lines of equal length. That just provides a stumbling block.
But it is a beautiful poem. Never doubt that. The joy of a New Year is clearly expressed, and I envy your ability to rhyme without making it sound trite or childish. I generally fail at that aspect of poetry.
IngridClayre,
I've seen you around a few times, and I figured it's about time I review something of yours, eh? Anyways, since you're newish, I want to just introduce myself. I'm Audy, I love poetry and that's all you need to know :3 If you ever have any questions or need any help with anything, feel free to knock on my wall, I'm only happy to help in any way that I can ^_^ All of that said, let's get right down to this poem, shall we?
I first want to say that kudos for maintaining the rhyming structure. Rhyme is never something that is particularly easy to do. I feel you did a pretty good job with the rhymes, folklore/galore (nice) but there are places where the flow kind of slips. Sometimes the line is bogged down (such as the first line), or sometimes a particular word will trip me up (such as in the last line on the first stanza - just leave it as "...despite any gloom, your hand will be mine" you still get the same effect. The "in" just trips me up every time. My advice for you is just to read it out loud and if you ever pause or hesistate, then take a good look at that particular spot in your lines.
All of that being said, I think this is a cute poem. It has a lot of happy imagery and excitement towards it being the new year. My problem with this poem is that I don't really care about any of it. It just feels superficial, too general - I already know that the new year is going to bring the seasons and sun and rain and all of that. There's nothing new being expressed here, not even any of your own thoughts or feelings or insights. It's almost like the purpose of the poem was to rhyme and that's it.
This is a good exercise, but it fail to captivate even my imagination. Try writing a poem without rhyme and see where that takes you. Write about something that interests you or something you care about. Write about someone you care about. Be as specific as you can. "There will be singing and dancing galore" -- that's boring. There will be square dancing. There will be pigs and haystacks and farmers chasing after runaway tractors while the ladies spin around in a circle, their dresses open up like upside-down umbrellas.
o_0 What? Okay, that gets my attention a little more. Specificity always does.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your writing!
~ as always, Audy
Hi! I really liked your poem! So here's my review!
In the new year we shall have pie, (Pie seemed kind of randomly placed for the sake of the rhyme)
At the great new year party with every gal and guy.
There will singing and dancing galore, (I liked this part!)
There will be fireside myths and folklore. (I liked this, but your poem is kind of jumping around a bit. First it's a new year, then its New Years, and now its night at a fire?)
Like I said, I liked your poem a lot!
~mari
Hello,
I will be reviewing this piece.
I love the simplicity of this poem. Not simple as in juvenile, but simple as in…easy to read, beautifully phrased, light on the heart, and captivating all at once. I notice that you are 14 years old. I cannot express how impressed I am at your talent. If I had to use one word to sum up this poem, it would be “cute.”
I have never been a fan of rhyming because few people can do it well. You have done it extremely well, with the exception of the last line of the first stanza. It doesn’t quite fit, so I would suggest you work on that. The last two lines of the second stanza don’t quite flow either. Maybe you should revise those lines. The last stanza really caught my heart. It was beautiful. I truly loved it.
Keep writing! You have great talent!!!!
Ingrid!
It at last time for me to return the favor and a review a work for you! First of all, I really like this poem, it's great! There is only one thing that I would fix. The word "folklore" seems a bit awkward. I like the rhyme, and it definitely fit, but perhaps "tales of lore" or something else would better in order to maintain the great flow you have. Once again, I loved this poem and I can't wait to continue working with you and reading more of your work! Keep writing and thanks for sharing.
Zephion
Thanks for the review Zephion!