Confluence?

I agree with what Lumi has said. Since I'm also quite new to writing poems, I'd tell you my way of writing rhyming or lyrical poem.

First you need to have an idea around which you're gonna write the poem. Personally, I try to tell a story through a poem. Even I'm pretty bad and choppy with vocabulary, so I use http://www.rhymezone.com/ to figure out variety of words which could fit well, rhyme well without breaking the flow or disturbing momentum of the story.

You might end up writing a word which doesn't have a perfect rhyme in the context. Still, keep writing. After you finish writing the poem, read it aloud. You'll realize many stanzas are terribly choppy. Go back and ruthlessly edit them out. Try using synonyms where it is possible. Also, you can take some creative liberties to keep the flow sturdy.

This is not a perfect technique but it'll help you immensely in building your vocabulary and managing your flow. Here the problem is, it is really difficult to read the entire poem. The rhyme literally comes in the way. You should be ruthless while editing a poem. Even if it means editing out your favorite line. It is very hard to do that, but ultimately if that one line is gonna break the flow of the entire poem you just have to do that! Best of luck with your future works. Link me if you post any poem, I'll be happy to review it!

Yo.

This piece's issue with rhyming is so large that it literally skews the meanings of words you incorporated for forced rhymes. Normally I let this sort of thing slide, but you've sacrificed meaning for an optional poetic technique, and that's not a good thing. To me, this whole thing is a big mess that takes too long to reach a substantial meaning. Your first lesson to take away is that length does not equal quality. Large words do not equal quality. It is better to have a three-lined substantial piece than a meandering mess decorated with meaningless rhymes and loose, broken meter. For this reason, I say scrap it and hold onto the basic idea you wanted to convey.

Do you know what it is?

Once you have that idea, you build the bare bones of words that help substantiate your meaning. That is a poem. Those few words are art. Once you have those words, you build your images and themes, your motifs and undertones. And when do you consider rhyme?

It's the very last stage. Consider rhyming a poetic challenge. Something that ups the reward level if done right; but so so so so so so so often, it's the very first step a new poet takes into creating contrived poetry, and it doesn't add up to anything worth anything. So until you master conveying your ideas to your audience, I'd forget about rhymes and look at the necessary things:
♦ Meaning
♦ Imagery
♦ Thematic Loyalty

Shape it up and learn from your mistakes.
Lumi

I love this poem! It has a lot of detail and I could really feel what the narrator was telling. I like the way you told the story. May I ask, what type of poetry is this. Or is it free verse?

The following ain't a review, cause there ain't enough to criticize
I'd just like to give a little advice on rhyme.
Firstly, keep on rhyming.
Secondly, play around with various rhymes, meditate on it a bit.
Most importantly, put your better rhyme first, generally the one you thought of first. Here I'd switch Dearths and Earth. That sort of thing.
Yours,
The Fiend

Indrashish!

The rhyming throughout here seems contrived, especially the earths/dearths, ate/hate. Yes, it provides a lyricism, but it's like hearing Mary had a little lamb over and over again to a subject that is actually somewhat complicated and serious - it doesn't mesh well. The diction also seems irregular, some words also out of place. Lots of cliche phrases and images like the frozen ice, "game of death", vast nothingness - but then also mixed in with technical jargon: Now I'm a vector, "statics" of birth?

I do get a sense of a general discontent, the nihilism and existential questions, but it doesn't really start to hook until the 9th line where there is evidence of the speaker taking action. The metaphorical journey cannot yet become interesting until some connection with the reader is established. I like the sentiments and the idea, it's just a matter of execution. What real-life event(s) spurred the writing of the poem? A relative's death? A solitary moment in a car ride passing over a homeless man? A sense of personal failure? Write directly and specifically about whatever it was, write what you know. Get rid of all generalities, and see where that takes you?

I hope this helps. Let me know if you ever want to chat this up.

~ as always, Audy